Husband has been gambling behind my back

[Wouldratherbeinitaly]

Been together for 17 years and married 10. I've always been the higher earner and have never minded paying a bit more to try and balance things out. Husband recently got a new job that gave him a good increase and I thought that things might be starting to balance out a bit. He's told me today he's in debt to the tune of £60k and has been gambling to try and pay off his debts (which has obviously made everything worst).

This has been going on for two years. I'm absolutely shocked. We have a joint account for bills etc and then our own. He has taken out 6 credit cards and has substantial amounts on all of them. On top of that he took a loan for £30k last year without saying anything to me. He has spoken to a debts advisor and has blocked himself on all the gambling sites. We've spent the afternoon going over everything and, with me paying more than I do now it's salvageable in terms of finances.

Separately, I'm am beyond angry. He got very upset when he told me and said "he couldn't tell me because I would behave the way I always did". He told me he'd contemplated suicide. There was a lot of crying and self pity but not once did I hear a sorry. It's only now that I've sat down to mull it over I just don't know if i can keep going. When I think back over the past two years and all the lies he's told and everything he's kept hidden, i feel sick. We've also just gone through 3 horrid rounds of ivf which I paid for (unsuccessful) and I just feel almost grateful it wasn't successful as I don't think i could bring a child into that.

I understand he's ill. I understand he needs help. But it falls on me again. He had a breakdown in the past and we had no help from his family. I had to pick up everything. I just feel this means he's heading the same way and I have to pick up the pieces. Like I always do. Part of me does feel like I should leave but I'm terrified he'll do something to himself. I've given him an ultimatum to get help and set down rules in relation to finances but I feel like his mum and not his wife.

Any idea where to go from here?

YABU - he's not well
YANBU - I'd feel exactly the same

He’s only sorry that he’s been found out.
And he’s been dishonest and is unrepentant.
i can’t see this ever getting better, he will drag you down with him.
i think you need legal advice.I’d be looking at separation and divorce.

I'm so sorry.

His attitude screams that he's probably still gambling. He's an addict - and addicts are very good liars. And if lying to your face or only drip-feeding half truths makes his life easier then that's what he will do. Remember this when you talk to him - he is not on your side as he's only looking out for himself.

Prioritise seeing a solicitor as soon as you can - file for divorce and detach yourself from him and his gambling debts. Do it as soon as you can. In the meantime make sure you are signed up for credit report monitoring. Make sure your name is taken off any joint accounts and if that's not possible - make sure any credit balances are not accessible to him, and speak to the bank to ask them to add an account marker to flag any loan or lending requests for an account where you are a joint signatory. They will have procedures for this as sadly it's very common.

I wouldn't bother talking to his Mum, as she'll be on his side and it's in her interests to have him staying with you rather than gambling every penny away in her spare room.

Lean into your family and trusted friends. Don't be embarrassed to tell people - you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. GambleAware can provide support for family members of gamblers.

Hi OP, be careful. It’s in your MIL’s interest that you stay married or your H will move to hers and gamble her life away! You need to detach from both of them as much as you can.

Financially, I imagine you need to demonstrate that as soon as you found out about the debt you separated your financial affairs. I think that’s very important not just to protect you from further debt but so you can fight to not be responsible for this one.

Good luck. You must be exhausted. But we’re all here to cheer you on. 🙂

Leave.
Send him to gp for addiction support and spevialist charities.
Sell house pay off debts divide up and move on

I'll deal with separating the finances tomorrow. He's got a DAS in place but that destroys his credit rating. I'm thinking about taking him off the deeds as I refuse to lose my house and probably could afford it myself.

Has anyone ever been in the position where their other half had a trust deed? Did it screw you over when remortgaging etc? So far my credit is protected and my rating is good.

Oh his mum absolutely doesn't want him so is trying to push me to him. I'm usually quite reserved but not now. She seems to think a walk will help sort her son's head out. As if he'll stumble upon a pot of gold while he's out..... I actually despair.

To think he let you pay for IVF whilst doing this makes me so angry.

Maybe his mum is in denial, or has been told an edited version of the truth, ‘it’s okay mum, it’s not too bad, we’ll sort it out’ etc, and doesn’t realise the full gravity of the situation. Not excusing her, but Dh has proved himself a lier, and is probably spinning her along.

I agree that the broken trust and web of lies is as much a destroyer of the marriage, as the gambling per se.

You’re doing wonderfully, and stay strong. Can’t be easy.

Please see a lawyer asap.

stay strong and focused op. His mother doesn’t want him back she knows exactly what her son is like and will downplay the situation in the hope that her life isn’t affected. Take legal advice asap. Don’t let his failures take you down with him. It’s sad but you can’t fix people. He needs to do that himself.

I have some experience of this.

It will stop and then there will be relapses so you have a long road ahead. You will forever be vigilant which is exhausting. You’ll also always be the safety net as there are no real consequences whilst you’re there. Aside from him fessing up - what impact has this had on him?

Its £90k debt but total amount gambled will be multiple times higher than that as they do win occasionally which feeds the cycle.

This will have been a full-time job for him. If you’re honest you know he has been distant as all his time and energy was spent doing this.

It’s also likely he was moody.

He will deflect ‘this is what you always do and I couldn’t tell you or stop for X reason’. If only X didn’t happen or you were Y I wouldn’t have done it.’ Classic deflection. Much easier to project onto someone else than admit you are a gambling addict.

I would suggest he also has other addictive tendencies and you need to be aware he doesn’t swap one for the other.

I’ve also seen it they go cold turkey and stop by blocking accounts but don’t seek professional
help. Again that is avoidance tactic and not facing very uncomfortable truths. Guess what happens then - relapse.

So it’s crap OP but if I were you I’d leave. You’re not too old for anything.

Don’t get stuck in sunk cost fallacy with this one.

Think about the times he put resources (money) into a terrible decision on the tiniest, non-existent chance he'd win big.

Don't do the same thing yourself by choosing to stay and inflict this awful selfish man and a constantly frugal life in yourself - you'd be gambling your own future and the odds of success are almost nil.

You have a right to your own future. You didn't choose any of this - whereas he made hundreds of choices, over and over, to get to this point.

I hope today helps you start to see a way forward. Him saying he thinks you’re done could be a good thing as then it’s him that’s said it not you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Not something that’s likely to be a priority for you right now, but you can do IVF alone with a donor. A friend of mine did it. She’s an amazing mum.

Thanks everyone who commented. I've spoken to someone from GamAnon and a counsellor and have a solicitor appointment tomorrow. My husband has been to the GP and is currently at a GA meeting. I'm exhausted but I feel things are a little clearer. I don't think I can make a decision until I know all my options so hopefully tomorrow provides some clarity. It's a long road ahead regardless and it's been comforting to have you all behind me. ❤️

Do you think he still expects you to stay OP? xx

I don't know to be honest. He's gone to his mum's so hopefully a bit of space helps. I'm beyond exhausted though. 5pm yet?

Gambling is a horrible addiction.
It is an illness that people can recover from and this may be the shock he needs to do that.

however, the lack of apology and trying to blame your reaction as to why he hasn’t told you tells me he is still in denial about the same his gambling has done, and if he’s still in denial then he isn’t ready to recover and this won’t be the end until he is.

My friends husband did this, blew through nearly 50k in secret.
Did the self exclusion on Gam Stop, handed over control to her. After a few years of struggling to pay everything off, finally thought she and they were recovering and trusting him again.
It was 5 years he had self excluded for, couple of weeks after it expired he phoned them and got it lifted, within a couple of months he went through 5k. She had taken her eye off of it and thought it was all behind them. In reality as soon as he could get access he went straight back.

Turned out he had never really quit. Was now doing things like taking £50 in cash to fill up the car but only putting in £30 and walking into a bookies with the £20 he skimmed off the top and playing the online slots in cash.

Buying s jumper or something needed for the car in cash - showing the receipt to her and then returning it a couple of days later.

I wouldn't stay if i were you op.

Edit to say you can self exclude for 6 months, a year, or 5, and it will carry on past that time if you do nothing, but after that period you can phone and get it lifted - so i would be very wary

Op I have been in your shoes but my dh never confessed. He was found out by me. He has relapsed three times now but I He joined GA and has been OK touch wood for years now. GA was the biggest help and he goes every week. I think now he has ADHD and or sone other things going on. Unfortunately we have 4 kids so walking wasn't a easy option open to me. So I know its harder than just LTB but as you don't have kids I'd honestly LTB.

If you don't you will or never should trust him again. I have all dh wages paid to me. I pay him bare minimum for his bills. I have to do everything re money now. I have to see his credit rating each month.

This will be my future forever. Think hard about that.

Been thinking about you op, how are you doing? Are your parents back today?

Like any addict, gamblers lie and their only interest is themselves and their next bet. Hopefully, the £90K is the whole extent of the debt, but don't be at all surprised if it's even more. UK based betting sites stopped the use of credit cards in 2020. If your husband has been using credit cards, then he's been using a VPN, so it looks like he's placing bets from another country/and or using foreign betting sites. You don't accidentally use a VPN, it's a deliberate choice. You don't need to make decisions until you've seen a solicitor, but you need to separate your finances asap.

Thank you. They're back but have had some bad news so I haven't told them. I'm going down to his mums to talk today so let's see. He's been there since Thursday. I feel like I'm running on empty but a bit stronger. The exhaustion is real though. I've taken steps to protect my finances so that's something. Spoken to a solicitor and have made a mortgage advisor appointment on Tuesday. Better to have all the options right?

Absolutely better to have all the options so you can make an informed decision. You're doing very well dealing with the practicalities so far, especially considering the emotional toll this is taking on you. I'm not surprised you are exhausted, your life has been turned completely upside down and the future you thought you had has vanished, whether you stay or go it will not be what you anticipated it to be now.
Be kind to yourself, take your time, and make your choices for you, no one else.

It’s good to hear you’re being proactive about solicitors and mortgage advisors. You don’t need to make any decisions about the future of your marriage yet, you just need to make sure that you are protected financially regardless of what happens between you and him. I know it must be feeling overwhelming right now, but in years to come I think you will look back and be proud of how well you handed this situation. You’re doing brilliantly!

Be careful that it isn't two against one, with DH and his mum on his side and you fighting your corner alone. I think they will try and use some massive guilt trips to bring you into line with threats relating to his mental health and what he might end up doing if you aren't kind and understanding.

Good luck!

It honestly wasn't like that at all thankfully. His mum is not on his side at all. She is very keen for us to save things but part of that is probably because she doesn't want him! We talked and will see where we go. I'm not rushing into anything and have some further appointments booked to just check over other options for me. I feel calmer today and know that I need to take things at my own pace and decide for me. Feeling a little stronger. And very grateful to have you all behind me.