Friend keeps dragging up the past

[scotchpotch]

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

Sounds to me that she's envious of you and by continuing to bring up something negative that happened allows her to dig at you and DH. She's not acting like a friend imo.

Exactly. The long speech is just a bit of a daft idea. Just a short sharp 'Shut the fuck up you're doing my fucking head in! Do you want me to bin you as a friend?' type thing will do. Shock her into submission, don't read War and peace to the woman!

She sounds a real.pain.
Give her the elbow.
Stop.seeing her.

🫷👋👍
X

wtf 🤣

She isn’t your friend! The behavior she’s been doing plus saying when you ask her to stop doing it? She’s made it VERY clear she doesn’t like you. She is probably in love with your husband and has been for years and hopes bringing this up will split you up so she can get him

Clearly. There’s an odd tendency on Mn to think that people with few or no friends are ‘lovely’ and overlooked or unappreciated, but while that may certainly be true for some, there are also obviously people who struggle with friendships because they’re tactless, unpleasant, or bores whose conversation involves endless harking back to an event from 30 years earlier and which they clearly feels makes the people they’re talking to look bad.

She’s belittling you. I wouldn’t see her again if it were me.

Agreed,short,very sharp and to the point.

Tell her if she doesn't stop bringing it up you will stop seeing her.

Proactively have a conversation about her behaviour- tell her that you're sick of her bringing it up, and if she does it again you will [insert consequence that you're willing and able to stick to - maybe leaving the meetup, maybe ending the entire friendship]

This is a great approach. Do this.

If you’ve tried the direct response way and that hasn’t worked can I suggest this…

People like this usually hate to make you look small. So why don’t you and ur OH have a bet beforehand. Both write a time on a piece of paper & when she mentions it both bring out your paper & make a big thing about who got the nearest time.

This way you’re turning something that she’s doing deliberately to upset/belittle you, into a joke at her expense.

When this has happened to me, I've just told them, "That's like burglarising my old house, it's not my stuff as I don't live there anymore."

Essentially, my life has evolved, and I'm no longer the person I was 30 years ago.

She's not your friend, and I would give it one last meet-up, and if she brings it up, that would be the end of the friendship.

I wouldn't let her visit anymore, and yes I would tell her. Like : "if you bring this up it will be the last time ever we see each other".

Tbh if someone said that to me I'd zone out and yawn as I would with a lot of the long speeches on here.

Bring up something embarrassing that she's done.
Or mention no wonder she hasn't any friends.
Shee how she likes that.

Look her in the face, both you and your husband and say, you can’t be serious! Are you really going to bring that up annually? Really? Surely you have better things to talk about. If she continues to rehash it, end the evening. Maybe she’ll get over it.

First post nails it

Is she neurodivergent ?

Sorry your friend is doing this OP. I agree with all the posters saying your friend is probably quite sad and lonely plus lacking some social skills. I think I would try to maintain the friendship so would be very firm before a meet up. I wouldn’t ask why because she probably doesn’t know, or if she does would have to admit to jealousy or being sad. I’d tell her I really want to meet up but enough is enough so she has to commit to not mentioning it again or you will not want to get together. Offer to make some new memories together and do something a bit different.

Firstly …. well done you all those years ago for showing what a fiercely loving partner you were - and have been to DH. Not so well done you for tolerating the passive aggressive barbs of your so-called friend over the same period. It seems you have tried all means to call time on her ridiculous behaviour. Imagine - putting up with a nasty, jealous person for all those years ! You’ve tried everything- except the obvious one. End the relationship. It’s not a ‘friendship’. Message her or call her and tell her you’re calling time on your association, explaining why (optional, you don’t have to explain anything). That’s the nuclear option. Alternatively, stop taking her calls and cut right back on messaging and the next time the subject of a get-together comes up …. simply decline, either bluntly or by making any excuse you choose. Many ‘friendships’ fade into memories over the course of time. The one that you think you’re in faded a long, long time ago. Wake up. Move on. Celebrate the real relationship you fought so courageously for all those years ago.

Make abet with your husband about the timing. Then When she brings it up take out a tenner and give it to your dh. Say that you had a bet on that she would bring it up before dinner (or whatever), explain that he bet she wouldn’t bring it up until a few drinks down

I’d cut the feet from under her.

’Remember that time in the pub…’

’Let me get your coat Janice’

Never get in touch with her again.

“Mention that again Sarah and I won’t meet up with you again. Not joking” .

Delivered in calm hard way. That should do it.

Personally I would just bin her - as others have pointed out she is getting her kicks out of shaming you and watching your embarrassment.

But if you feel you do still want to see her, I would arrange with DH that if she brings it up again, turn it around and mention the amazing make up sex you had afterwards (and for bonus entertainment, give one another an enthusiastic snog in front of her). That should be sufficient to shift the discomfort to her. I’ll bet she won’t raise it again.