Page 7 | Friend keeps dragging up the past

Crushed23 · 02/11/2025 14:32

OP, I can completely relate to this. Except instead of a friend, it’s my parents! They love bringing up my first (disastrous) relationship from when I was 16/17. This went on for about 15 years. I became an expert in ‘grey rocking’ but still they continued. I have distanced myself from them and we live on different continents now, so it has stopped. I think it’s because they’re retired and don’t have much going on in their lives. I presume your friend is maybe in her 60s? When people don’t have busy lives they fixate on random shit, including other people’s mistakes. It can also be a cruel way to put you in your place by reminding you you’re not perfect.

Keep people like this at a distance and don’t feel a moment’s guilt for doing so - you have every right to protect your peace.

LemonLeaves · 02/11/2025 14:37

You need to be sharp and blunt:

We've asked you repeatedly to stop dragging this up. What do you think it says about you as a person? That you have such appalling manners that despite having been asked not to bring this up, you don't care and keep doing it? If you don't stop then we won't be seeing you again.

ToeJob · 02/11/2025 14:57

Let me guess - your life has changed for the better since those days, while hers hasn’t (or has got worse)? This is her way of putting you back in your box. She wants to remind you of times when things have gone wrong for you to distract from the fact that things are still going wrong for her.

A now ex-friend - emphasis on the ex - used to do this to me. It got worse the better my life got, and that was no coincidence.

Lavender14 · 02/11/2025 15:03

I think you both need to be extremely direct and very clear. "X I care about this friendship but when you continue to bring this up when we've both repeatedly asked you not to, if makes me question what your intention is in doing that. If you continue to disrespect me in my own home then you won't be welcome in it any more and that would be a shame but its your choice what happens next."

QueenofDestruction · 02/11/2025 15:07

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:52

Great responses, thank you. I was worried I was the one who overreacting or being unreasonable as something brought up as a ‘joke’. Sounds like I need to be firmer and I will ask her by text not to mention it before we next meet. If she does, it’s goodbye from me! I don’t think she fancies my DH but she is lonely and hasn’t got many friends, so maybe that’s why she gets fixated about this one event. Or maybe she just likes making me uncomfortable. Either way, you’re all right; it’s not a great friendship if she doesn’t respect my feelings.

I would also its boring to hear her say the same thing over and over again.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 02/11/2025 15:33

SlightlyBruisedApple · 02/11/2025 11:50

Just say ‘Look, Hilary, your continuing obsession with an argument in which you weren’t even involved from 30 years ago is a bit concerning, as well as irritating. We were the people actually having the argument all those years ago, and it’s not something either of us has given a second thought to in decades, just as we don’t give a thought to other minor events from three decades ago. Why don’t you see a therapist to try to figure out why it still seems to be on your mind so much? What purpose does it serve for you to bring it up literally every time you see us? It is clearly some kind of itch you need to scratch, and bringing it up either gives you satisfaction or suggests some ongoing unease — but bluntly, it’s boring and annoying to us. We’re going to have to ask you to find another way of dealing with this psychological quirk of yours.’

Or just say ‘What argument? Are you sure your memory isn’t going? There there, dear. It will come to us all.’

I couldn't be bothered to say all of that. And I doubt the OP's 'friend' will be arsed to listen to it all!

'SHUT THE FUCK UP, I am sick of you bringing up this boring shit every time we meet.' should suffice. If she doesn't stop it, then bin her. As has been said, she is a bully.

MILLYmo0se · 02/11/2025 15:36

Nowtnorsummat · 02/11/2025 14:00

Thought the same!

"DING! And have bingo! Who had one hour twenty five minutes (or whatever) on the clock before this came up THIS time?"

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I love these 😂😂

SlightlyBruisedApple · 02/11/2025 15:48

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 02/11/2025 15:33

I couldn't be bothered to say all of that. And I doubt the OP's 'friend' will be arsed to listen to it all!

'SHUT THE FUCK UP, I am sick of you bringing up this boring shit every time we meet.' should suffice. If she doesn't stop it, then bin her. As has been said, she is a bully.

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Well, it’s the friend’s weird obsession, not the OP’s. I’d be making it clear that I recognised that, and viewed it as some kind of deficiency in her subsequent life that makes her continually bang about a minor event to which she was a bystander three decades ago. I don’t think she’s a bully, I think she’s probably rather tragic, in that her tactlessness and inability to read the room has made her lovely, but that’s not the OP’s problem, obviously.

I wouldn’t be shouting, though. As she sounds like someone with very little insight into her own behaviour and it’s effects on others, I’d be making it very clear why her behaviour was about to lose her two more friends.

Covacsy · 02/11/2025 16:11

Well I'm another poster who would never make a long speech.

'For goodness sake, stop boring on about it', should do it. If she carries on just leave the room.

No more visits.

SlightlyBruisedApple · 02/11/2025 16:13

SlightlyBruisedApple · 02/11/2025 15:48

Well, it’s the friend’s weird obsession, not the OP’s. I’d be making it clear that I recognised that, and viewed it as some kind of deficiency in her subsequent life that makes her continually bang about a minor event to which she was a bystander three decades ago. I don’t think she’s a bully, I think she’s probably rather tragic, in that her tactlessness and inability to read the room has made her lovely, but that’s not the OP’s problem, obviously.

I wouldn’t be shouting, though. As she sounds like someone with very little insight into her own behaviour and it’s effects on others, I’d be making it very clear why her behaviour was about to lose her two more friends.

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Lonely. Not ‘lovely’!

Mouthfulofquiz · 02/11/2025 16:28

Just agree it with your DH that you will both just silently walk out at the start of her story. No explanation. Just pick up your things and leave. Turn your phones off and carry on with your nice lives and let her stew.

Burnout50 · 02/11/2025 16:40

Id just say gently but firmly...

I've had enough.

I've respectfully asked you many times not to.

If you bring it up again, it'll be the last time we speak.

Original poster

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 16:48

ToeJob · 02/11/2025 14:57

Let me guess - your life has changed for the better since those days, while hers hasn’t (or has got worse)? This is her way of putting you back in your box. She wants to remind you of times when things have gone wrong for you to distract from the fact that things are still going wrong for her.

A now ex-friend - emphasis on the ex - used to do this to me. It got worse the better my life got, and that was no coincidence.

Yes, definitely has changed for the better - something else I hadn’t linked. You lovely lot have given me lots of ideas and things to think about. Thank you all for your advice!

OP posts:

FullOfMomsense · 02/11/2025 17:19

ToeJob · 02/11/2025 14:57

Let me guess - your life has changed for the better since those days, while hers hasn’t (or has got worse)? This is her way of putting you back in your box. She wants to remind you of times when things have gone wrong for you to distract from the fact that things are still going wrong for her.

A now ex-friend - emphasis on the ex - used to do this to me. It got worse the better my life got, and that was no coincidence.

This was my first thought too. I get it from a friend who got married the same year as us, but is now divorced and she tries to turn us against each other. You either have to suck it up and hope they stop doing it or you put a stop to it.

BlueandPinkSwan · 02/11/2025 17:20

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 12:12

I’m largely non confrontational but I do have my breaking point. I think she’d probably cry if I lost my shit at her!! Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I like the idea of the three words, that’s nice and succinct. Those of you who have commented that she probably not got a lot going on in life are spot on, she’s pretty solitary and lacks social skills. We do have a couple of hobbies in common but I guess I keep in touch with her because we did have fun in the past but also I feel a bit sorry for her. Probably not the healthiest thing to do on my part either.

I'd lose my shit and make her cry to get the point over. She thinks nothing of upsetting you and your husband.
Personally it really annoys me when anyone turns the water works on.

SuchiRolls · 02/11/2025 18:24

Get in first…”Oh my gosh, do you remember those x amount of times you come every year and try to make me feel uncomfortable by bringing up something that happened THIRTY years ago?! *insert mad laugh’ how cringe is that?!” Then silently stare at her. Make her feel uncomfortable. It’s mad after not only so long and multiple times being told to shut her trap, she keeps doing it. I couldn’t be arsed having this person stay in my home at this point tbh. That’s not a friend imo

SimplyAFolly · 02/11/2025 18:33

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:01

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

Tell her, she will get a slap if she mentions again.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/11/2025 18:37

When she next does it I’d. directly ask her why she is deliberately trying to upset you. If she claims she’s not, you then remind her that you have told her it upsets you several times so she does know and therefore she most definitely is deliberately trying to upset you and your like to know why.

Izzywizzy85 · 02/11/2025 18:43

Pretend you can’t remember. Both of you.
”Huh? Argument? No sorry, don’t know what you mean” the more she talks, just give each other puzzled looks and pretend you don’t remember. It will do her head in 😁

OhDearMuriel · 02/11/2025 19:00

She’s being a frenemy.
Her life hasn’t turned out as well as yours and to some degree she resents you.
This is her way of putting you in your place and making you feel awkward and pain.

Next time, you need to make a stand and face her head on with this. She doesn’t mind one bit about doing it to you the other way round.

NinaGeiger · 02/11/2025 19:01

ToeJob · 02/11/2025 14:57

Let me guess - your life has changed for the better since those days, while hers hasn’t (or has got worse)? This is her way of putting you back in your box. She wants to remind you of times when things have gone wrong for you to distract from the fact that things are still going wrong for her.

A now ex-friend - emphasis on the ex - used to do this to me. It got worse the better my life got, and that was no coincidence.

We have a couple of friends who do this - we call it tactical tactlessness

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 02/11/2025 19:06

A “FFS. Not again? You do this every single time. It’s boring. Do you have nothing else to talk about?” should do the trick.

You need to be blunt and rude yourself.

Except I would have binned her as soon as she brought it up again after I had asked her not to.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 02/11/2025 19:07

This is why she has so few friends.

bpirockin · 02/11/2025 19:22

I'd let her bring it up again and repond "Jesus H Christ, how long have we known each other, and that's what you bring up every time we get together?!?! It's x f'ing years ago, I've certainly changed, but maybe if you haven't we need to re-think our friendship!"

You've already asked her not to, and she's still doing it. If you don't see her again, she's made a decision.

MaddestGranny · 02/11/2025 19:46

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:29

Thanks for the responses, you’ve all given me food for thought. She’s a very old family friend and we get on really well other than this weirdness. To answer some questions, when I tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable she says stuff like ‘well you shouldn’t have kicked off then/you should have thought about what you were saying’. I like the sound of bringing it up first but equally, every time we meet up, I kind of hope that this time will be different. It never is! Maybe the answer is to let the friendship slide and be unavailable a bit more. Friend is on her own (widowed - not recent). I just struggle to understand why she keeps going on about it. So maybe the answer is to ask!

I agree with OPs who say to bring it up first. Be clear. You may find it helpful to actually write down your intended script in preparation & practise running through it:-
fold an A4 sheet lengthwise; on 1 side put what you want to say; on the other side put how you think she'll respond, & on your side put what you'll say to counter this; carry on like this (in your pre-prepped script) until you've scripted out the outcome you want.

I would be thinking to end up with something very clear, like:
"Unless you can definitely take this on board, and I mean completely stop this endless referring to something personal to my relationship with my husband that happened X years ago, I do not see how I can manage continuing our friendship / relationship. So that, therefore, I will seriously consider permanently severing our contact".
Finally: check with her that she has HEARD what you have said and ask her to REPEAT what she understands about your interchange. If she hasn't got it, reiterate & ask her to repeat - until she HAS got it.