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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL thinks I'm destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter

152 replies

ItsTimeToFly · 02/11/2025 01:24

Married DH (35) in 2020, gave birth to our wonderful DD in 2022, planning to move back to Stockholm next month.

Currently we live in a town 4 hours outside of Stockholm. There are no opportunities here in my field. DH works at a school, I (32) work at a small local business.

Back in April, DH was starting to feel frustrated with the school (behavioural issues from students, admin refusing to step in, and him having his hands tied) and was looking into leaving. I was also bored out of my mind at my job and wanted something more challenging. Last week I received an offer for a job in my specialisation back at the MNC I did my internships in over in Stockholm for literally double my current pay!!

Signed the contract and the plan is to move back to my old family home (it sits empty as my parents have moved somewhere else) down south.

DH's mum (61) is EXTREMELY upset. He's her only child and over the years she uses him as a crutch. She doesn't cope well with traveling or change and she leans on him a lot. FIL (also early 60s) is great but runs a plumbing business so doesn't always have the time for her. He's also more stoic so when MIL needs assurance DH is who she calls.

Yesterday it reached a crescendo where MIL was basically pleading with us not to move. DH was trying to calm her down but she just ended up crying and saying we're destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter!!

AIBU to move anyway? This move will be great for our family and we'll be moving anyway but having this hanging on us is putting such a damper on an otherwise exciting chapter.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 02/11/2025 01:27

Her behaviour is the perfect motivation to go ahead with the move

Charel2girl5 · 02/11/2025 01:29

You need to think about your family and do what needs to move your lives forward. If you give in to this God only knows what will she’ll dictate in the future. Don’t let her ruin your great opportunity. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

fromadistance2025 · 02/11/2025 01:36

Move. For the love of God move now, while you still can. Soon, she will fake an illness and in a few years will be demanding you act as her unpaid carers. Run.

Shakeyitoff · 02/11/2025 02:04

Emotional blackmail, or what?! She sounds quite selfish and needy. Just continue with your plans. Most parents, while possibly saddened about losing some contact would be pleased for you if it’s what you wanted. Like previous poster said, if you give in now where will it end? If she wants to see you, she’ll need to ‘woman up’ and get on a train. You never know, it may encourage her to build an additional support network without your partner to prop her up.

Delphinium20 · 02/11/2025 02:09

4 hours is hardly across the ocean. It's a morning drive or train ride. I'd move.

Noshadelamp · 02/11/2025 02:13

You need to live your lives. A parent's job is to help their children grow and flourish, not hold onto their children for themselves.

I thought you were going to say mil was on her own but she isn't, she has fil! She needs to let go of her son and live her own life.

Meadowfinch · 02/11/2025 02:25

Her behaviour is selfish in the extreme and you need to ignore it. You are both entitled to live your lives as you wish, to grow, to develop, to take opportunities that present themselves. To raise your child where and how you want.

I'm 61 as well. I don't have a partner at all but I would never dream of clinging to my ds like a millstone.

People are perfectly able to live independent sociable lives in their 60s. Her am-dram tantrum is just that.

Good luck with your move/career change.

Original poster
ItsTimeToFly · 02/11/2025 03:59

I know. I'm also worried it'll cause issues with DH down the line because it frustrates him but he does worry a lot about his mum.

For e.g., we spent a month abroad last year. Nearly every single day his mum would call at random hours with some difficulty or some pointless question (she's got a cough, she wants to schedule a dentist appointment and needs his opinion on timings, she was watching a show and needs to know all of a sudden the name of the hotel they stayed at in London etc) and it caused an argument between DH and I.

Sometimes he brushes her off and she'll just get upset and cry. He gives in cause he knows she can't cope but seriously she'll never learn to be independent if she's being cushioned at every turn.

OP posts:
Fivegreenfrogs · 02/11/2025 04:03

She will get used to it in time and it may be helpful to her in the long run as she will have to find other ways of coping rather than leaning on her son.

CarlaLemarchant · 02/11/2025 04:09

YANBU to move.
She is not being unreasonable to be devastated about it. She is being unreasonable to put that devastation on you and beg you to stay.

Carry on with your plans but maybe actually also acknowledge that it most likely will cause a change in the relationship between grandparents and dc (presumably they see each other regularly at the moment). My in laws live only a couple of hours away from us and we only see them about 3-4 times a year as weekends are busy.

Your MIL is still young and shouldn’t be this needy but it is very sad for her.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/11/2025 04:51

Yikes that sounds unhealthy…. You are not unreasonable…. Your core family comes first and you are both bored and unfulfilled ….

Be prepared for her to have a fall soon or need the hospital

SweetnsourNZ · 02/11/2025 05:01

Your MIL needs to get her own life. She's 61, not 81. She also has a husband. Go and live your own life. You can always come back for visits especially if you are earning good money.

Katflapkit · 02/11/2025 05:01

Carry on with the move. Your MIL is not alone, she has FIL even if he is out working. Perhaps your DH should have a word with him.

Start putting positive things into place. Set up a way your daughter can communicate with MIL like skype/teams etc. When my friend's grandson moved away, my friend (older than your MIL) would read him stories over Skype. They would do quizzes. They would do 'blind' drawings at the same time. It saved awkward silences when kids clam up or get bored. As he got older they would play card games, her with a pack and him with a pack and listen to music.

Perhaps also put a couple of things in the diary before you leave. You visiting them or them visiting you. Try and encourage her to make the journey, if she does it alone it will build her confidence.

washinwashoutrepeat · 02/11/2025 06:00

we went through similar when we decided to move abroad. It was quite ridiculous behaviour from à grown woman.

anyway, to cut a long story short, 20 years down the line things are fine. Smart phones are brilliant, video calls are a good way forward and we found a way to manage contact that wasnt to invasive.

Zanatdy · 02/11/2025 06:05

She is out of order trying to guilt trip you all. My mum wasn’t impressed (and still isn’t 25yrs later) when I moved 250 miles away but such is life. I think she should have been proud her 24yr old single parent DD was brave enough to move from Wales to London for a job, knowing no-one. Many parents live miles away. I went back every half term for a visit which is more than most, and I finally moving back next year (for cheaper cost of living) much to my mother’s delight).

BadgernTheGarden · 02/11/2025 06:17

Just re-assure her you will visit and they can visit you, you can face time, and talk often. It will be a wrench for her, but you have to live your lives it's not like you're going to the other side of the world. They could always move closer to you if she's that bothered.

Feeefeee · 02/11/2025 06:21

I am the same age 61 and have one daughter in her 30s. Although I'd miss her a lot, I would encourage her to fulfil her dreams. Life is too short and you need to do what is best for you and your family. I find it hard to understand how she can be so selfish - please go and enjoy your life guilt-free.

MinnieBaldock · 02/11/2025 06:21

I would move. This women is only early 60s and has a husband. She is not an elderly sick widow on her own. Just go. I hope your DH grows a back bone.

Ilovehighlandcows · 02/11/2025 06:26

Suggest that she could always move closer?

Esperanza25 · 02/11/2025 06:27

While I understand that your MIL is upset about this move and I think that her feelings should be acknowledged, you should absolutely go ahead with the move and do what is best for you as a family.
As someone has already said, it’s not across the ocean, it’s 4 hours away, half a day’s journey by bus or train. She’s going to have to get used to travelling, she might even enjoy it once she does it more regularly.
She sounds very immature emotionally and this should not be your problem to deal with, although unfortunately, it sounds like it impacts your life quite a bit anyway.
I can’t believe that she was calling daily when you were away on holiday. Would she not think to message if it was something trivial?
Is your DH completely on board with the move? I think MIL is going to make him feel very bad. It’s very wrong of her though in my opinion.

FairKoala · 02/11/2025 06:51

I would say your mil would probably do well with a move herself.

She is obviously bored out of her mind.

Cant understand why she is acting like someone much much older.
I am a few years older and I can spend 4 hours per day commuting.

I take it she has surrounded herself with her family and has little else going on

For her own mental and physical health she needs to get out more. Even if it is volunteering at the local cat sanctuary

The way she is living her life is a definite red flag for things like dementia setting in

Pricelessadvice · 02/11/2025 06:53

She sounds awful. What kind of mother wants to stop their child from living the life they want?

sunshinestar1986 · 02/11/2025 06:55

Can she move closer?
I find it quite sad that people have little consideration for older parents nowadays.
So what if she's annoying?
She's a grandma!

Apricotafternoon · 02/11/2025 06:57

A mother should not lean on their child for their own selfish reasons and hold their child back from living and enjoying their life.

You must move and do what's right for your family.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/11/2025 07:03

She's only 61 and has a husband so she isn't on her own. The state pension age in Sweden is much lower than the UK at 63, so I would expect your MIL to still be working. She sounds as though she has too much time on her hands.

She sounds really needy and is using your DH as her emotional support rather than her own husband.

You should definitely take this job opportunity. Your MIL will need to come to terms with it. She sounds as though she would benefit from some therapy as it sounds as though she has parentified her son, which isn't healthy at all.