MIL thinks I'm destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter

[ItsTimeToFly]

Married DH (35) in 2020, gave birth to our wonderful DD in 2022, planning to move back to Stockholm next month.

Currently we live in a town 4 hours outside of Stockholm. There are no opportunities here in my field. DH works at a school, I (32) work at a small local business.

Back in April, DH was starting to feel frustrated with the school (behavioural issues from students, admin refusing to step in, and him having his hands tied) and was looking into leaving. I was also bored out of my mind at my job and wanted something more challenging. Last week I received an offer for a job in my specialisation back at the MNC I did my internships in over in Stockholm for literally double my current pay!!

Signed the contract and the plan is to move back to my old family home (it sits empty as my parents have moved somewhere else) down south.

DH's mum (61) is EXTREMELY upset. He's her only child and over the years she uses him as a crutch. She doesn't cope well with traveling or change and she leans on him a lot. FIL (also early 60s) is great but runs a plumbing business so doesn't always have the time for her. He's also more stoic so when MIL needs assurance DH is who she calls.

Yesterday it reached a crescendo where MIL was basically pleading with us not to move. DH was trying to calm her down but she just ended up crying and saying we're destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter!!

AIBU to move anyway? This move will be great for our family and we'll be moving anyway but having this hanging on us is putting such a damper on an otherwise exciting chapter.

Your MIL needs to go and see counsellor to unpick her co-dependency on her son. It’s an unhealthy relationship, I’d wager her needs are not being met by her husband, and she lacks the confidence/ struggling with anxiety to join some new activities / hobbies, so her life has become narrower and narrower.
meanwhile you and your husband absolutely need to move, you Dh might benefit from some counselling too, so he stops feeling guilty.

This is insane. I had DS very late in life, so I’m an older mum, not far off your MIL age, and I have a teen son who keeps me physically and mentally young. She’s behaving like someone in her eighties. 60 is not old!

You need to move, and she needs help/activities or counselling. If this is what she’s like now, she’s going to be even worse when she finally does hit her older age.

Your MIL is being monumentally selfish. I don't know how you deal with it though, she's always going to act the victim I expect.

There's nothing I would love more than to have DS, our only child, living near us, but he's 4 hours away because that's where the work is.

I couldn't imagine insisting that a young couple suffocate in a career backwater to keep me happy.

She’s only 61! And FIL has a business - should he just give that income up?

She’s 61. That is NOT “old”. She should still be working and living a full life herself!

I totally agree. She sounds manipulative and frankly, pathetic. And the FIL is also a twat for letting this dynamic develop and letting your DH assume the role of “carer” rather than him.

You have DH and MIL problem. DH is exacerbating the MIL problem by allowing the situation to continue. your MIL is bored and clingy, become manipulative as she has lost her way (and possibly confidence). For Christmas buy her an experience, college course, sport etc something which means she is less fixated you and DH as likely this is all she has to keep herself occupied.

You definitely have to move - how you handle it will determine how much drama you need to go through.

This is the way forward. Don’t get into her negatively with her and don’t seek permission, just have a plan for keeping up contact. Based upon her track record (when you went away for a month), I’d talk to your husband about setting some boundaries. As an example, if you know she will phone everyday, decide you will pick up the phone every other day. And as for the journey, you could do that with her once, then she’ll know how to do it.

@ItsTimeToFly He gives in cause he knows she can't cope.....

She absolutely can!

She brought up a son, ran a home, has worked, got married etc.

Your DH is an enabler. He needs to cut the cord and be firm. It's hard to start with but necessary.

Had to do it with my DM and DMIL and wish we'd done it sooner.

Both functioning as normal now and looking back, we were being taken for mugs as they're both very capable.

She's not 90+, in poor health, with noone else

I'm older than your MIL. She's 61 with a similar aged working partner and a lot of her behaviour sounds like deliberate feigned helplessness and dependency, very unhealthy for her and the people around her.

Interesting that there are people who are 60+ on this thread and who are advising the OP to get to Stockholm ASAP. The reason for this is that we actually know what she's about and have very little sympathy for her.

It's not defeatest, it's weaponised incomptence. She's manipulative. As I'm sure you are well aware!

She's only 61! I run things past my DS sometimes in particular but I don't badger him with silly things. She can always visit and she's got a husband.

It sounds like your DH has been parentified by her. I was by my DM and it's miserable.

Oops, missed that. I read that as if she lived in a different country totally. So she can promote a different part of the country as being beautiful etc etc 😁

Ok...same thing but beautiful part of the country etc etc.

In some ways only living in the same country makes it seem worse. MIL doesn't even have to sort out visas etc.

YANBU. I would be off to Stockholm like a shot! However, I would take time to reassure MIL that she will see you all regularly (and mean it!). I would also do a dry run of the trip down to Stockholm with her - is there a train line (pref. direct) between the two places? If you can get this done, then she knows that she can visit (with appropriate boundaries/expectations in place from the start) independently.

Would your MIL benefit from some therapy? Her husband does not sound very supportive either (your use of 'stoic' is interesting), and that she's using her son for the reassurance/support her DH should be providing. She does sound very very needy though, and therapy might get to the bottom of why she us behaving like that. She sounds very scared, unsure and as if she feels unloved from your description.

Your DH should take the lead in sorting this out for you. If not, as is often said on here, you have DH problem and not just a MIL problem.

Good luck in your new job and with the move!

Definitely move. It's very likely that MIL (hopefully far in the future) will be widowed. She will cope much easier if she learns not to be able to control everyone and everything now.

Reminds me of my grandma. She used to call my dad often like that and after a while it also started with lots of illnesses.

She once called him and said "I'm going to die, come quick." And my dad said "don't die now, my shift ends at 5".

It was the 3rd time she "was about to die" in a month. It was just attention seeking.

Oh, and my grandpa was around and lovely and perfectly able. He just didn't indulge her like her sons did.

Move.

Your MIL is using your husband as her emotional spouse and that's not a healthy situation.

He really needs to set boundaries and if he ends up refusing to move, therapy. Would he rather live with his mom or with his wife and child?

I think this says it all.

Only 61! She needs to get a grip.

I’m older than her with adult children, I think she’s ridiculous! Not for missing her ds or gc per se, but her general immature and manipulative behaviour.

That is ridiculous behaviour for someone her age!

She’s barely hit her 60s, two year’s ago she was in her fifties for heaven’s sake! She hasn’t learnt to adult yet (despite marrying and having a child). Well now it is time for her to learn. Tough love from your dh! I am older than her and I think she sounds utterly pathetic.

What sort of mother phones her son to discuss the best time to see the dentist.?.

A toxic and manipulative one and one who has enmeshed her son since childhood because her h has not met her needs.

She is very manipulative and you absolutely need to put physical distance as well between you. This will also encourage mental distance.

Do read toxic In-laws by Susan Forward . Your parented h needs therapy re his mother and her enabler in the shape of his dad. Neither of you should be around these people.

And this should be in relationships forum.

It's obvious you find the whole situation deeply annoying but if she was your relative and you cared about her, you'd be looking into an underlying medical cause for the behaviour. Something isn't right. It doesn't mean you shouldn't move, but it does mean you should have some compassion and you should support your husband in trying to figure out what's wrong.

Boundaries, yes. Move for the amazing opportunity. Encourage your DH to tell her he'll call her back later if she's calling during an activity you've planned and it's not urgent. But be sympathetic that the woman is clearly unwell and her son doesn't know how to cope with that.

Decision paralysis can be a medical symptom rather than a personal trait.

Same goes for being anxious, unreasonably teary and lacking in confidence.

The way people behave can often have an underlying physical cause. I think I'd be tempted to have DH explain that the move is happening, it can't be changed, but he'd feel better if she would agree to have some blood tests etc taken, so she gets her health checked out before his big move. I'd also use that as an opportunity to get in front of a doctor who can form their own opinion on her state of mind.

If she relies on him to pick a dental appointment, he should be able to talk her into getting a doctor's appointment to get checked out.

Thats not her whole identity. Lots of people are grandparents and still manage to have a life apart from their grown up son.
Theirs loads of clubs and activities, she could join out there.
Where are her friends also. It sounds a little unhealthy.