MIL thinks I'm destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter

[ItsTimeToFly]

Married DH (35) in 2020, gave birth to our wonderful DD in 2022, planning to move back to Stockholm next month.

Currently we live in a town 4 hours outside of Stockholm. There are no opportunities here in my field. DH works at a school, I (32) work at a small local business.

Back in April, DH was starting to feel frustrated with the school (behavioural issues from students, admin refusing to step in, and him having his hands tied) and was looking into leaving. I was also bored out of my mind at my job and wanted something more challenging. Last week I received an offer for a job in my specialisation back at the MNC I did my internships in over in Stockholm for literally double my current pay!!

Signed the contract and the plan is to move back to my old family home (it sits empty as my parents have moved somewhere else) down south.

DH's mum (61) is EXTREMELY upset. He's her only child and over the years she uses him as a crutch. She doesn't cope well with traveling or change and she leans on him a lot. FIL (also early 60s) is great but runs a plumbing business so doesn't always have the time for her. He's also more stoic so when MIL needs assurance DH is who she calls.

Yesterday it reached a crescendo where MIL was basically pleading with us not to move. DH was trying to calm her down but she just ended up crying and saying we're destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter!!

AIBU to move anyway? This move will be great for our family and we'll be moving anyway but having this hanging on us is putting such a damper on an otherwise exciting chapter.

tell her you are worried about her - she should not be so dependent and so empty. Can sge volunteer for something??reading in schools? Get a job? It is her problem. Be as helpful to her in this as you can so that your husband will not have reason to feel that you snd he dud not do enough. And make her husband recognise there is a problem he needs to help with.

Blimey, I'm 56 and I can't imagine being like this in five years! My son lives 40 mins away, my daughter is 10,000 miles away. I don't bother either of them with stuff like this. I run my own business and I'm currently packing for a trip to the Caribbean. 😂My advice? Take the job. As PP have said, she will only get worse and this is a perfect opportunity to put space between you. You would be crazy not to go.

I think you need to stop making this about you. Your H wants to move just as much as you do, so he needs to take responsibility for managing this with his mother. If your mother was the issue, would you expect your H to be questioning himself as the cause and wondering how he could fix it? All you need to do here is stick to your own position and support your H to deal with his mother. You only need to question yourself if he comes back to you having decided its not a good idea.

Move. No one should be forced to build their own life around their parent/s needs and wishes, especially not with their own young family. You deserve a life of your own that suits you and your family. MIL sounds like a controlling woman who will use every tactic to get her way. Just be assertive and tell her you are doing what is best for the three of you but you will still visit her sometimes, phone and so on. In her 60s she should be perfectly capable of travelling to visit you occasionally - it will be her choice not to if she won't.

Having read all the updates, one day you will have to tell your DH to choose his mother or you unless he stands up to the emotional blackmail, maybe that day has come. He is not responsible for his mother's happiness.

Well, you have a DH and a MIL problem, as you know. The DH problem is by far the worst.

Yes, in the future your DH's guilt/obligation might cause further issues in your marriage. What's the worst case scenario? You divorce? I'd rather be in a well-paid job in my field of expertise if that were to happen. You are not responsible for, nor can you do anything about, your MIL's or your DH's feelings. You can do your best to support your DH to lead a more balanced life by encouraging him in his efforts to find a new teaching role etc., but you can't force him to be an independent adult. He has to do that himself.

Why can't she find things to occupy herself with. She can use the internet. I assume she can find a hobby or friends through common interests. You can choose to be lonely or outgoing.

Move as soon as you can - leave DH behind if he cannot cut the apron strings. I can see why FIL spends so much time away from MIL.

Sounds like she has multiple issues including chronic indecisiveness and your DH and his DF are facilitating it.

You really need to move. She will not improve whilst she has her crutches.

Also agree with PPs who have said she is using FOG to keep your DH and therefore you close to her.

Honestly, unless she has some undiagnosed health problem such as early-onset dementia, there is really no excuse for her needy and clingy behaviour. Most people are still working full-time at her age so her having to ask her son which dental appointment timeslot she needs is ridiculous. If she can order stuff from Amazon, she can book her own appointments online.

Does your DH realise that this is deliberate and strategic incompetence to make him feel guilty and obligated to run her life for her. He has a wife and child that should be his priority. You need to get angry and if you lose this opportunity to move to Stockholm because of her, you should be re-thinking your marriage.

MIL sounds pathetic.
She has probably been playing the damsel in distress role her whole life and now she’s still trying to get away with being the helpless “little” girl.

Definitely move and minimise contact.

Each time she acts up raise it “oh no, here she goes again”.

Id continue with the move. Keep quiet.

Support dh in dealing with his mum but don't offer advise or criticism.

If he is smart, he will ignore the hysteria and just keep reassuring her that she is loved and it will be ok.

You really need to move so that you can progress with your career. At the moment, it seems that that has been put on hold by living in a backwater. I'd build that up and seriously consider not bringing any more children into this dysfunctionality.

Your DH should not be her emotional crutch, that is very unhealthy. She shouldn't need one, but if she does she should turn first to her husband. It sounds a good move to be further away from her. What does your DH think about the move to Stockholm?

Given your updates, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband before you go through with this move. If he's going to be constantly in contact with her, it will be unbearable and you'll just argue all the time.

Prepare yourself for constant "medical emergencies" etc to try and get him to fly home and discuss how you are going to deal with them because they will be frequent.

Your FIL needs to step up and support his wife so your DH needs to have a serious chat to promote that.

Sell Sweden as a beautiful country to visit and that she and her own husband could have wonderful visits.

Exactly this! Go now, while you still can. She sounds like she's very depressed and needs help

Well seeing as they live there, they do probably know that 😁

Get back to Stockholm asap.
You are safer there if this relationship fails.
His mother is a headcase and you need to be away from that.
Let him visit her alone, but you will be in a city in a family house and financially secure.

This is a great move for you, so do it.
Ignore his mother, keep smiling and making soothing noises so you can get out of there.

Your husbands relationship with his mother is toxic and codependent.

Protect yourself from her.
She wants to control you as much as him.

When back in Stockholm, encourage him to get therapy.

Your FIL is clearly avoiding her.
Prepare yourself for this relationship failing as her son sounds screwed up too.

But get out of there and get back to your family.

I don't think she sounds depressed, just extremely manipulative and selfish. I wish people were not so ready to link selfish/bad behaviour with mental health issues.
If DH doesn't make a stand now it will only get worse as she ages - as others have said.

They already live in Sweden, just not in Stockholm but 4 hours outside it - it's a big country

First post nails it! Do what’s best for your family. She’s only in her 60’s fgs. My Dad is in his 80’s and would want us to do what’s best for us.

And 4 hours is not that bad! She can come for weekends etc. It’s not as if you’re off to Australia!!

Carry on with the move. Your husband needs to grow a back bone and tell him mother to ease off. She’s still young only 61 and has a husband. It’s not her son’s job to look after her.

This. Move