MIL thinks I'm destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter

[ItsTimeToFly]

Married DH (35) in 2020, gave birth to our wonderful DD in 2022, planning to move back to Stockholm next month.

Currently we live in a town 4 hours outside of Stockholm. There are no opportunities here in my field. DH works at a school, I (32) work at a small local business.

Back in April, DH was starting to feel frustrated with the school (behavioural issues from students, admin refusing to step in, and him having his hands tied) and was looking into leaving. I was also bored out of my mind at my job and wanted something more challenging. Last week I received an offer for a job in my specialisation back at the MNC I did my internships in over in Stockholm for literally double my current pay!!

Signed the contract and the plan is to move back to my old family home (it sits empty as my parents have moved somewhere else) down south.

DH's mum (61) is EXTREMELY upset. He's her only child and over the years she uses him as a crutch. She doesn't cope well with traveling or change and she leans on him a lot. FIL (also early 60s) is great but runs a plumbing business so doesn't always have the time for her. He's also more stoic so when MIL needs assurance DH is who she calls.

Yesterday it reached a crescendo where MIL was basically pleading with us not to move. DH was trying to calm her down but she just ended up crying and saying we're destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter!!

AIBU to move anyway? This move will be great for our family and we'll be moving anyway but having this hanging on us is putting such a damper on an otherwise exciting chapter.

Her behaviour is another reason to move.

Of course YANBU. She’s only 61!!!!

I’m her age and my adult DS’s and their families live in a different country (we moved) and we message regularly via WhatsApp and FaceTime about once every 3 months. However, I’d never ask them for advice as I’m a competent adult with my own friends and access to google!

Sadly, her behaviour towards your DH is not normal or healthy. She’s become co-dependent on her son and your DH has enabled her behaviour instead of shutting it down years ago. He needs to get tough!

She’s obviously in a lonely marriage with her own DH (he needs to seriously step up!), but why doesn’t she have her own friends to talk to, like other parents of adult children of her age?

I’d start by getting DH to speak to his dad and asking him to help support his wife a lot more and help her to find new hobbies and friendships.

In future, every single time she calls asking for something, DH has to tell her to speak to his dad as he’s not available at the moment. If he keeps refusing to engage, she will eventually have to find an alternative source of support but she won’t give up easily so it might take a long while and your DH needs to stay strong.

My god, she's younger than I am.

Make the move. Or she will become so present than you'll find yourselves dropping everything and centring her for potentially the next thirty years.

Travel is part of many families' lives.

Your MIL is displaying very selfish behavior, putting herself before her “beloved” son. If she loved him as much as she wants to let on she wouldn’t have behaved such manipulative ways.

Shes entitled to feel sad about it and any normal parent would, but a normal parent would not manipulate their child this way.

We as parents don’t own our children and we need to support them in their own lives when they are grown. You and your husband should move if it’s right for your family.

Shes not old and if she doesn’t want to get on a train to visit then it’s HER that’s “destroying” the relationship (although destroy is such an exaggeration).

But the issue here might be your husband, he has enabled her for too long.

Your husband is enabling her. Why in earth does a grown woman need to consult with her son over the timing of a dental appointment?

is your husband an only child? I think you need to sit down with his mum & dad and have an open conversation about her mental health. Nobody is helping her by pandering to this.

The sad irony here is that the only person who is ruining her relationship with her son and her grandchild is her. Maybe she needs to be told that? She sounds extremely manipulative. Her behaviour is like a child needing constant attention but this is also very controlling. The only way you can deal with people like this is to not give them the constant attention they crave but she knows full well it will upset your DH not answering her calls so keeps on because she knows he will give in. Easy for me to say but he needs to be the one to make a stand. For a start he needs to stop giving in to her constant demands but that in itself will not be easy.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You have to make decisions that are right for you and your family. That being said, you can’t ignore that the move will have a big impact on relationships. Talk to your DH, get him to start putting steps in place to help your mil from
a distance. If she got to 60s and relying on her adult child she’s not going to develop sudden independence. This is likely to cause stress and strain in your DH who will be much further away. Nothing major, just things like setting her up with online shopping weekly, getting her meds delivered from a pharmacy, making sure she has contacts for a reliable local taxi service, making contact now with a local handyman. I’m not condoning her behaviour by any means but if your DH wants to relax into his new life it may make it easier if he can say things like ‘oh you just need to call X, the number is on the fridge’. Etc

Move to Stockholm. Live your lives as you want. You can't spent 30 years bored out of your mind in provincial Sweden just because your MiL cries.

She's 61, not 91! She is not in any way a vulnerable old person, in fact she sounds manipulative! My advice, get very far away from her, and only answer the phone once a week.

Your DH needs to be firm and not put up with her tantrums. Set boundaries now. It’s normal to
miss someone, it’s not normal to try emotional blackmail and manipulation.

My parents in law were younger than I am now (62) when I met them and they acted like invalids but there was nothing wrong with them. My DH was summoned from England to Ireland every couple of months on the pretence that his mother or father were seriously ill (he is the youngest of 4 siblings and had been earmarked as the carer). This was not only emotionally draining but disruptive and expensive with 2 young children and full time jobs. This blackmail went on for years until his father finally died about 25 years later.

And should FIL give up his plumbing business to move with her?

YANBU. Put your family- your child/children- first and move. Mil is trying to control and it will get worse if you bow to her demands.

I've constantly pushed DH to firm up boundaries, e.g., while we were on vacation, and he will do it for a while but it's her guilt-tripping him and crying that undos everything.

MIL used to work at a small crafts shop 10+ years ago. They closed down, FIL tried to have her help out at his business doing secretarial work but she has this defeatist attitude where she refuses to learn and will take one look at things before saying 'oh I can't do that' or 'oh that's beyond me'. It's really silly.

The funny thing is that she's not actually 'old' skills-wise. She orders things from Amazon and various other online shops, she has a forum she frequents, and she even manages to play games on Steam.

Picking a dental appointment timeslot though? She needs to call her son to ask for his opinion. Purchasing a simple side table from IKEA? Can't do it without asking DH's opinion on materials, placement etc. Buying a new bag? Has to WhatsApp video DH to ask him to choose a colour. It's incessant.

“Esperanza25 · Today 06:27

While I understand that your MIL is upset about this move and I think that her feelings should be acknowledged, you should absolutely go ahead with the move and do what is best for you as a family.
As someone has already said, it’s not across the ocean, it’s 4 hours away, half a day’s journey by bus or train. She’s going to have to get used to travelling, she might even enjoy it once she does it more regularly.
She sounds very immature emotionally and this should not be your problem to deal with, although unfortunately, it sounds like it impacts your life quite a bit anyway.
I can’t believe that she was calling daily when you were away on holiday. Would she not think to message if it was something trivial?
Is your DH completely on board with the move? I think MIL is going to make him feel very bad. It’s very wrong of her though in my opinion.”

This with bells on. Your MIL sounds selfish, immature and demanding but perhaps this is learned behaviour from her own mother or MIL. 61 is no age at all. But in any case, i think it will be good for you and your DH to get some distance from her.

Yes, these are all things she should be asking her husband about rather than your DH.

Christ she's my age!

We moved to another country within Europe & my dad flew to see us twice a year until he was 80.

I currently go back a couple of times a year to see friends/family.

If she is quite able to all those other things for herself, then she obvs doesn't need your DH for the other stuff, it's just a want for whatever reason.

He can be kind each time, but needs a consistent response for when he can't or doesn't want to answer her.

How long has it been like this? Forever? Since meeting you? Since covid? Since the job loss? Could it even be post-menopause anxiety??

She’s only 61! Her behaviour is ridiculous! Why does she rely on your DH so much? It’s like she’s made him into her parent. When she phones up with her batshit questions DH needs to say “well what do you think you should do?” I’m nearly her age, I can’t imagine leaning on my kids like this, not now and not ever really.

Her behaviour is an extra reason to move to Stockholm. Do it! Be careful though, her next move might be angling to move in with you….

He really needs to shut her down on that shit.

Fine to talk about that stuff when you happen to be on a call but to phone specifically for it?

I'd be quite angry at husband for indulging it to such an extent that she even does it when you are on holiday.

Honestly, so what if she cries?

He needs to let her a few times!

I have adult children and if one of them was offered a job paying double, or hated their current job, or was offered a free house, I'd be bloody thrilled for them. She's a selfish person to deny her DC what is best for them.
She needs to find a life for herself.

All of this. . Oh and one day you will think of this , and perhaps have a little more understanding. You have a child. One day that child will move hours away for love/ a career/ whatever. Then you will understand how she feels.
You are perfectly reasonable to want to move 4 hours away. She is perfectly reasonable to be very sad about it.
You say her husband runs a plumbing firm and is 'stoic'. Is stoic code for being a cold , workaholic who ignores his desperately miserable and lonely wife.

It sounds to me as if the decision to move is a total no-brainer. It also sounds as if you would actually be doing MIL a favour by forcing her to stand on her own two feet and start making decisions for herself.

OP, all your posts reinforces the need for you to move. It will be good for you, DH, and in the long run, for MIL too. It will force her to be a little more self sufficient.

After having read your update. She’s definitely not incapable. And for some reason I assumed she was alone so apologies. She needs some hobbies and something else to occupy her time. Turning on the waterworks whenever things dont go her way is very manipulative. Your DH may need some help setting boundaries and maybe some stock responses for the incessant demands. ‘Well, im not the one wearing it mum, it matters more if you like it or not’, ‘it going to be in your living room, shouldn’t you and dad be deciding this together’.

Keep on with the move, in a healthy relationship a mother would be thrilled at the opportunities their DC has been offered.

Tell her you are thinking of moving to Australia, then she will be grateful its only Stockholm.