MIL thinks I'm destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter

[ItsTimeToFly]

Married DH (35) in 2020, gave birth to our wonderful DD in 2022, planning to move back to Stockholm next month.

Currently we live in a town 4 hours outside of Stockholm. There are no opportunities here in my field. DH works at a school, I (32) work at a small local business.

Back in April, DH was starting to feel frustrated with the school (behavioural issues from students, admin refusing to step in, and him having his hands tied) and was looking into leaving. I was also bored out of my mind at my job and wanted something more challenging. Last week I received an offer for a job in my specialisation back at the MNC I did my internships in over in Stockholm for literally double my current pay!!

Signed the contract and the plan is to move back to my old family home (it sits empty as my parents have moved somewhere else) down south.

DH's mum (61) is EXTREMELY upset. He's her only child and over the years she uses him as a crutch. She doesn't cope well with traveling or change and she leans on him a lot. FIL (also early 60s) is great but runs a plumbing business so doesn't always have the time for her. He's also more stoic so when MIL needs assurance DH is who she calls.

Yesterday it reached a crescendo where MIL was basically pleading with us not to move. DH was trying to calm her down but she just ended up crying and saying we're destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter!!

AIBU to move anyway? This move will be great for our family and we'll be moving anyway but having this hanging on us is putting such a damper on an otherwise exciting chapter.

YANBU to move, but I would have a lot of compassion for the woman. It would be understandable for anyone to be upset that their family is moving away from them, but if she is particularly dependent on her son and grandchild for happiness in life, as many older people are, then this is going to be very upsetting for her and she deserves sympathy while she comes to terms with it.

That is so unhealthy as others have said.

Move. 4 hours away? I'm from Australia and 4 hours to anywhere is nothing. Heck, i commuted a 6 hour round trip to London daily for most of my working life before Covid hit! I'm only 8 or so years younger than her!

She needs to develop some resilience. I'd be tempted to say bluntly 'If you emotionally blackmail us into staying for you, we will only come to resent you, and none of us want that'. Call it out baldly.

Is it possible for you to move further away? The further away the better really.

IMHO it is great if extended families can stay close (emotionally and physically).

However, it is the job of parents to want the best for their kids, not to hold them back, and the move is a no-brainer for multiple reasons and she needs to get used to it.

If she's wanted a slave / possession / company for life she should have chained her son to a wall in the cellar from childhood.

My 18 year old lives 4 hrs away. He moved there for an amazing job opportunity. Yes I miss him but I am very proud of him.

I ring him every weekend unless he happens to be coming home that weekend. I text him if relevant. I’m going to visit him for the first time on a Monday - Wednesday with my partner. My son will be at work during the day and my partner and I will explore the town. We will take my son out for dinner on the Monday and Tuesday evening. We are staying in an air BnB.

My point being I think mums should be proud of their children for being ambitious and doing things that make them happy. He isn’t my possession. My priority is for him to be safe, healthy and happy not to live near me for my convenience. Of course I would love him to live nearby but that is less important than him being happy.

Your mil is being extremely selfish. I think you should do the move asap.

Get out of town. Out of the country if you can. This will only get worse and you could have another 30 years of this.

You have to do what’s right for you and your family, your in-laws are still relatively young, MIL is not alone. You could potentially have another 30 years of her behaviour.

OP, you cannot live in thrall to your in-laws (or indeed your parents, for that matter). Your MIL is being both selfish and unreasonable - clearly she has come to rely on your DH, and by the sound of it, he has let her. Telephoning every day while you are on holiday is both needy and unhelpful. I would have been quite cross about the dentist appointment conversation - tell her to discuss such trivia with her own DH. You are right that your DH is allowing this behaviour - he needs to ignore a few phone calls, and step back a little. It seems to have become a habit with both of them - she calls him at the slightest touch and turn, and he allows it because he feels he should. Frankly, I think this move is both healthy and necessary for all of you. You need to be able to develop your own family life without MIL constantly making her presence felt, and your DH needs to tell his father that he needs to take more responsibility for his wife, as he now has family responsibilities of his own. Good luck with your move, and I hope the new jobs live up to expectations.

Absolutely no way DO NOT DO THIS. She will then need ‘help with the move’ and will be in a new area knowing nobody and even more needy. For 30 more years!!

Discourage any move. There’s a reason she has no friends and her husband avoids her. That’s her problem. I know I sound harsh but do not let this woman move near you.
If she starts hinting at moving nearer you, do anything to dissuade that. Tell her wait a year, lie, say you are moving again, do anything to avoid her moving towards you.

Things will calm down, just proceed and make calming noises towards her. Do not criticise or say a word against her to your husband ever. Good luck.

Moving now is the best thing you could do. If you wait you'll be stuck there. It will be much harder to move if she is elderly, sick or a widow.

She's lived her life and made her choices for herself and her family. Now it's your turn.

She sounds insane. It's not your problem that she made it all the way to her 60s without ever developing any independence for herself.
Make the move. You'd be mad to turn down the opportunity you've been given. If you stay, you'll resent your MIL so badly, and in turn resent your husband, which would put a huge strain on your marriage.

Sometimes he brushes her off and she'll just get upset and cry. He gives in cause he knows she can't cope

She can cope. She actively chooses not to and actively chooses to behave like a child and burden her son. This isn't healthy and it's actually emotionally abusive.

Move.

Seriously she’s a carbon copy of my MIL who did the exact same things, the crying and holding DH’s hand begging him not go, then telling me I was ruining her life, saying we’d broken their hearts… and then the constant, daily calls about nothing at all…

We didn’t go because I was scared of the impact it’s have on DH, and DH was a bit rattled. I really wish we had. It’s come to a head over other stupid stuff anyway and our relationship would be far better if we’d gone, ironically, we’d absolutely have seen them more over the years. DH wishes we had too.

You go and live your life. The only other alternative is to live in that town until she dies, which does not sound tenable.

Yes she is being OTT and selfish. She will be pissed off but you can not control her.

You can facilitate a new normal. I live about 4 hours from my parents and we see each other around every 6 weeks

Ongoing your DH needs to be firmer with his boundaries. A daily phone call from her whilst you're on holiday is ridiculous

At 61 she is like this. You will need to change things as it will only get worse. FIL is probably fed up with her demands and doesn't bother. Your DH is really the only one who can deal with this and you don't want to compromise your life at this stage for an older person. It is not as if she is in her 80s with multiple disabilities. It is down to your husband and FIL to sort this out. Do the move and encourage her to get the train or fly to visit you.

I agree and think this is so right.

Your mil is not an old lady she’s being ridiculous! I’m older than her and more than capable of living my own life and letting my sons live their lives.

You should definitely make the move and your mil needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. It’s very unhealthy to be so dependent on her son when she’s only 61!

Move! God! Of course. Good luck with the job.

Emotions are real and logic isn’t everything, but sympathise, get a cup of tea, talk about her coming to visit and then get on with the move.

You must surely move. Don’t let your mil hold your family hostage. We live in a world of decent transportation, FaceTime etc. she will still be able to see her grandchildren, and speak with her son

Exactly this. She’s being incredibly selfish. Do what is best for your whole immediate family (you, DH, DD). She can visit. You can visit her (if she behaves better than she currently is!).

If this is how she has always been then she's never going to change and your husband needs to develop a gentle strategy to manage daily phone calls.

If this is new behaviour she really should see a doctor about her mental health (and I hate to bring up the mumsnet dementia cliche - but increasing anxiety can be an early symptom). But if it's a lifelong pattern then she's not going to change or learn to cope at 61.

Either way I think you should move.

I am sympathetic that she will be sad that she goes from living in the same town as her child and grand child and can see them easily, to a situation where she would presumably have to stay one or two nights to visit. It is a different type of relationship. But that could be a strong happy relationship.

I think she should be sharing that sadness with her husband and friends and getting a hobby sorted. She sounds emotionally manipulative. She's sort of put her son in the role of her husband which is not ok.

You and DH should go and enjoy your opportunity whilst she really is young enough to sort herself out.

Ah that job sounds wonderful! You absolutely must move.

Good luck. I hope your DH will put in boundaries around calls, visits etc.

She’s absolutely ridiculous.

I am 60, and totally single. My DS told me yesterday he is moving to USA from London and will be there for at least six years. He is marrying his DP. I am absolutely thrilled for him and for them as a couple. It’s so exciting. I’m incredibly close with DS but I have raised him to live a full and wonderful life. I can visit.

MIL is utterly selfish.

Your MIL has your DH in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Don't allow this to continue. You have to do what is best for your own family. Reassure her about visits and teach her how to Skype for more regular contact (though don't necessarily allow it too frequently).

It's very selfish to expect your children to be at your beck and call once they've flown the nest. I'm widowed, but I've told my two young adult DC that if ever they have an opportunity to travel or move in the future which they wish to take, they are not to base any decisions on me. I'm also 61, but I've lived my life how I've wanted and now it's their turn to get the most from their own lives.

Your MIL needs to find some hobbies locally that get her meeting other people.