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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL thinks I'm destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter

152 replies

ItsTimeToFly · 02/11/2025 01:24

Married DH (35) in 2020, gave birth to our wonderful DD in 2022, planning to move back to Stockholm next month.

Currently we live in a town 4 hours outside of Stockholm. There are no opportunities here in my field. DH works at a school, I (32) work at a small local business.

Back in April, DH was starting to feel frustrated with the school (behavioural issues from students, admin refusing to step in, and him having his hands tied) and was looking into leaving. I was also bored out of my mind at my job and wanted something more challenging. Last week I received an offer for a job in my specialisation back at the MNC I did my internships in over in Stockholm for literally double my current pay!!

Signed the contract and the plan is to move back to my old family home (it sits empty as my parents have moved somewhere else) down south.

DH's mum (61) is EXTREMELY upset. He's her only child and over the years she uses him as a crutch. She doesn't cope well with traveling or change and she leans on him a lot. FIL (also early 60s) is great but runs a plumbing business so doesn't always have the time for her. He's also more stoic so when MIL needs assurance DH is who she calls.

Yesterday it reached a crescendo where MIL was basically pleading with us not to move. DH was trying to calm her down but she just ended up crying and saying we're destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter!!

AIBU to move anyway? This move will be great for our family and we'll be moving anyway but having this hanging on us is putting such a damper on an otherwise exciting chapter.

OP posts:
Hotflushesandchilblains · 02/11/2025 18:13

I had an ex whose mother was like this. She ran the family through her 'nerves' which basically meant everyone had to do what she thought they should do, or she would have an 'attack'. My ex could never see how bloody manipulative she was, or how much she gained from this way of doing things. It was the only thing we ever argued about, because I was not prepared to run my life according to what she wanted. And in the end, it was part of what broke us up.

Crying wont kill her. He needs to stop indulging her. Its a big change for her and that is sad. But it is still necessary.

HandmadeNanna · 02/11/2025 19:11

ItsTimeToFly · 02/11/2025 01:24

Married DH (35) in 2020, gave birth to our wonderful DD in 2022, planning to move back to Stockholm next month.

Currently we live in a town 4 hours outside of Stockholm. There are no opportunities here in my field. DH works at a school, I (32) work at a small local business.

Back in April, DH was starting to feel frustrated with the school (behavioural issues from students, admin refusing to step in, and him having his hands tied) and was looking into leaving. I was also bored out of my mind at my job and wanted something more challenging. Last week I received an offer for a job in my specialisation back at the MNC I did my internships in over in Stockholm for literally double my current pay!!

Signed the contract and the plan is to move back to my old family home (it sits empty as my parents have moved somewhere else) down south.

DH's mum (61) is EXTREMELY upset. He's her only child and over the years she uses him as a crutch. She doesn't cope well with traveling or change and she leans on him a lot. FIL (also early 60s) is great but runs a plumbing business so doesn't always have the time for her. He's also more stoic so when MIL needs assurance DH is who she calls.

Yesterday it reached a crescendo where MIL was basically pleading with us not to move. DH was trying to calm her down but she just ended up crying and saying we're destroying her relationship with her son and granddaughter!!

AIBU to move anyway? This move will be great for our family and we'll be moving anyway but having this hanging on us is putting such a damper on an otherwise exciting chapter.

Sadly, this kind of thing happens all the time. Your MIL needs to look at the positives. If she hasn't already got one, buy her a tablet so she can video call. I'm sure you would always make her welcome should she get the courage to visit. Sometimes things grow out of proportion. You have a wonderful job opportunity, somewhere to live and DH isn't happy in his work. All good reasons to move. MIL really needs to step back and think. A mother's job is to raise her young so they can live happily and independently. I live over 5 hours drive from my family. I never even thought about laying on the guilt to make them stay nearby. Take the job. Keep the video calls up and the invitation to visit. Don't give in to emotional blackmail.

Lovely13 · 02/11/2025 19:21

Remind her, and your partner, that we don’t have children to be our companions for life. She needs to cherish the fact her son is thriving and living a successful adult life.

Timeforabitofpeace · 02/11/2025 19:29

Your mil is my age pretty much. She’s being vv unreasonable.

justasking111 · 02/11/2025 20:36

She needs therapy. FIL needs to step up for this

Sennelier1 · 02/11/2025 21:11

Your parents-in-law made their choices when they were young(er), they have to let their child(ren) make their own choices too. And yes I know it can be difficult, I have a child who lives abroad with their family. We try and make the best of it, we visit as often as possible, we use facetime and whatsapp. It's not ideal, but we all accept it.

Missj25 · 02/11/2025 23:44

Meadowfinch · 02/11/2025 02:25

Her behaviour is selfish in the extreme and you need to ignore it. You are both entitled to live your lives as you wish, to grow, to develop, to take opportunities that present themselves. To raise your child where and how you want.

I'm 61 as well. I don't have a partner at all but I would never dream of clinging to my ds like a millstone.

People are perfectly able to live independent sociable lives in their 60s. Her am-dram tantrum is just that.

Good luck with your move/career change.

I don’t have to say anything as MeadowFinch says it perfectly..👌..

Wishing you & your family a healthy & happy life x

OriginalUsername2 · 03/11/2025 00:02

He needs to use the cry it out method on her. And ask himself what he thinks will happen if he lets her feel sad.

Meg8 · 03/11/2025 01:16

GO!!!

My DMIL was manipulative and clingy. My DH was engaged before he met me, about to be married, and the girl called it off. They had already bought a house and DH decided to move into it. His DM took an overdose!!! He was 23.

We married two years later and she was okay with that, but as time went on she also became more demanding of him (his DD was still alive and well.

After his DD died, his DM became even more clingy and demanding. Daily phone calls - and if we didn't answer she rang again and again till we did. It was always for something trivial. She often declared she was bored and lonely but nearly always she had a visitor just arriving or leaving - someone else she had guilt-tripped into thinking she was lonely.

It didn't endear DH to her one jot - when she had a stroke it was me who visited her in hospital, read to her, helped her with her speech, not him. The clinginess did her no favours at all. Such women are selfish in the extreme.

Go live your lives as you need to, she will have to fit in with that, or not. Don't let her win or it will get worse and worse and you'll both resent her for it.

Imnotgoing · 03/11/2025 01:24

That's awful. She sounds very manipulative. Of course you must move for your new job. She doesn't get to make your life choices. Contacting her ds on holiday every day is just plain weird. That isn't being close, it's interfering in your lives. What a self centred woman.

Firethehorse · 03/11/2025 02:40

I absolutely think you should take up this opportunity OP. However, I also think you also should acknowledge the enormity of the change for her. It’s really hard to be the mil and to rarely seem to get things right in the eyes of the dil. So many posters bemoan the disinterest from grandparents and you have one who is loving and wanting to maintain a relationship. I hear what you are saying though so can you use the move to reset the dynamics a bit? Give agreed times for phone/video calls, send granny frequent photos and make her welcome for predefined stays perhaps. If she’s a good cook could she get meals ready whilst you’re at work and could she maybe babysit to allow you both a couple of nights out?
I hope you can make it work, family can be tricky but also supportive and loving.

Ashersmom · 03/11/2025 03:26

HRTFT. Make sure you read up on FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). 'Toxic in-laws' by Susan Forward is a great read too.
I'm in my 50s and have several siblings in their 60s, all lead as full a life as ever. If MIL is like this now, she'll be far worse when she does actually get old. Her reliance on DH (especially when she is so young and married) is selfish and manipulative.
DH needs to break such heavy reliance. I wouldn't dream of disturbing a vacation unless there was a very good reason. With three adult DC I might send a message to be picked up at their convenience, but it would much more likely to be them contacting me.
My youngest DD is 19 and lives four hours away. It's really not that far. I not only encouraged her to go, but also to grab an opportunity to spend a year abroad (at least). Most parents want their DC to spread their wings.

TheSaltedCaramelPath · 03/11/2025 08:13

I would probably arrange to go out for a family meal or similar but in a public place, and as part of that have your DH explain to his DP (maybe get his DF on side beforehand) about his increasing unhappiness in his current job and how now is the time to move, he wants to be happier and grow etc, how his DM has done a great job of raising him, and now he needs to live his life.

You mention his DM is on a forum herself, could your DH suggest (gently but strongly) that his DM post her worries as an issue on the forum - she will be told and get to read all the replies from other wise women that she needs to be supportive of your move and let her DS go and live his life.

Violinist64 · 03/11/2025 11:58

I will be 61 next month and do not consider myself to be elderly, in the way your MIL obviously does. She is behaving more like my mother's generation, who are in their eighties. A friend of mine has a wonderful expression for this - elderly without being old. Of course you must go. It is a move which will benefit the whole family. If she and her husband are retired, what is to stop them moving too? There is so much she could do with her life.

Valeriekat · 03/11/2025 13:23

It is called emotional blackmail!

Ladymeade · 03/11/2025 13:54

I have a mother like this (although older) who dumps all her woes (Inc my father's shortcomings) on me and it is draining so I sympathise. I would be called "sandwich" generation and feel like her parent sometimes. If you can avoid this situation, do, as I can feel very resentful alternated with guilt..

LilacReader · 03/11/2025 16:43

I don't suppose she moved away from her ILs or parents when she was younger did she? May help the argument if it was OK for her to do it!

Original poster
ItsTimeToFly · 04/11/2025 02:21

Firethehorse · 03/11/2025 02:40

I absolutely think you should take up this opportunity OP. However, I also think you also should acknowledge the enormity of the change for her. It’s really hard to be the mil and to rarely seem to get things right in the eyes of the dil. So many posters bemoan the disinterest from grandparents and you have one who is loving and wanting to maintain a relationship. I hear what you are saying though so can you use the move to reset the dynamics a bit? Give agreed times for phone/video calls, send granny frequent photos and make her welcome for predefined stays perhaps. If she’s a good cook could she get meals ready whilst you’re at work and could she maybe babysit to allow you both a couple of nights out?
I hope you can make it work, family can be tricky but also supportive and loving.

This sounds good in theory but I’m afraid it wouldn’t work. We once made the mistake of having MIL in our place for the week. While we were out at work, she’d rearrange things, ‘decorate’ etc despite us telling her not to. When asked why she wouldn’t stop she said she wants to make it more homey!!!!!!

Created a huge argument with DH because despite him hating what she’s done with the place he keeps saying that she comes from a good place so just let her feel useful.

OP posts:
XWKD · 04/11/2025 02:30

You need to get away from her.

Pumpkinallspice · 04/11/2025 06:50

I think my own parents would be this devastated and so would I. However, you have to prioritise you and your child.

diddl · 04/11/2025 13:03

Pumpkinallspice · 04/11/2025 06:50

I think my own parents would be this devastated and so would I. However, you have to prioritise you and your child.

They are only moving 4hrs away!

diddl · 04/11/2025 13:07

he keeps saying that she comes from a good place

A good place for whom?

Only her by the sounds of it.

He needs to realise that it's not usual to be so dependent on a child, particularly when you have a partner to discuss things with!

Also not usual to let an adult do whatever they want at the expense of others.

So does he not care about you at all?

Well, I guess you don't kick off enough if that is what he responds to!

AngelsWithSilverWings · 04/11/2025 15:17

You need to leave and not let her manipulate you any further.

I'm 55 and can't imagine ever being so needy. My mum is 77 and never needs any help from anyone.

All I want for my DC is for them to live their lives and be happy. If that means moving to the other side of the world then so be it. I would miss them terribly but I can't cope with the idea of them being miserable just to stay and look after me!

nomas · 04/11/2025 15:22

Run and never look back.

My DH moved 4 hours from his family, they are still close. We go up regularly and DH often goes alone and spends the weekend with his mum, they have a blast.

SatsumaDog · 07/11/2025 18:36

You and your DH need to be firm. You are moving and that’s the end of it. Try to reassure her by putting some plans in place. Discuss what’s worry her, because that’s the root cause of her behaviour; fear. Plan dates where you will visit and when she can visit you. She doesn’t like travelling, but she might have to grow a pair and get on with it. FaceTime is also a good way of her keeping in touch, especially with her grandchild.

She is the one putting the relationship with her son and grandchild at risk. She will destroy it if she carries on like this.