To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Your help for people that can’t afford rent is laudable, your insistence that they attend Sunday dinner then negates all that, as you are essentially blackmailing them to attend.
If you were my sister, treating my son in this way, I’d be absolutely disgusted by you.
I would also tell you to stick your “charity” where the sun doesn’t shine.
Either help without conditions, or choose to offer your “charity” to non family members.
When my nieces are grown, I will help them financially as much as I can. It won’t come with conditions, because I love them.

I think having the Sunday dinner is a nice idea but it should be optional. I would just say that from after Christmas if he wants to stay the rent will be x but it’s completely up to him if he wants to attend the family dinner or not.

This is one of the weirdest situations I have ever read about . Am hoping maybe it’s not true ?
If it is, it’s so sad . Like buying friends .

Yes, this is a good point. I wouldn’t want to be tied down to having to cook a Sunday dinner every week either and I don’t actually know anyone who would.

Whatever agreement was made before the person moved in, he agreed to the rule and it must be followed or he should be evicted.. If he didn't want to do it, he should have not moved in. Very simple. There is nothing 'immoral' about expecting attendance at a meal once a week. We don't know the backstory on why it is important to this lady, but I can imagine that it might include wanting to get to know the person lodging with her, the desire for companionship during an important weekly meal, and perhaps not feeling that she is being taken for granted, that the person is not looking to take advantage of her kind offer. All those reasons are not "weird" and are not "controlling" either. As it stands, he is taking advantage of her by gaining free rent and giving her nothing in return.

I think it’s extremely weird and I would be rather freaked out if those were the terms of my staying with you and frankly would rather pay rent.

Also 4 people, including a couple, living in a static caravan must be uncomfortably close living quarters.

However, be all that as it may, if those are the terms, YANBU to expect them to follow them.

very controlling, creepy and weird.

yuk

If they agreed to it, they should abide by it. But it is weird, whether you like it or not, to monopolise their Sunday evening.

This ^ I would prefer to pay rent than be dictated to how I spend my free time

Yes, buying the company of desperate people.

Whether it's sex or dinner, they have no real choice if they can't afford to live elsewhere.

This is such a weird thread I can only assume Sunday dinner is code for something else? Though I'm not sure what it could be that would be less weird tbh

“Slightly eccentric”? That’s putting it mildly. It’s completely batshit.

Yes rules a bit odd, but they know the rules so either comply or rent elsewhere

But that’s the choice that the op is offering.

Forcing people to eat with you is awful. The rest of it just fades into nothing because you are policing people’s time and food choices.

Her nephew is a family member, and definitely not a stranger. My mother and father were adults, as were some of my siblings when still living with the parents and expected to attend (or at least give a warning that they couldn't make it). People who don't understand the value of a shared meal/periodic touchpoint would logically argue that what my mother did was far WORSE than what the OP is doing: as minor children we didn't have the choice to live elsewhere or to pay rent. WE didn't (as far as I know - nobody has said they found it overall onerous, although certainly inconvenient at times) particular object, but we might have. OP's nephew at least has other choices - to pay rent, to live elsewhere. Anyway, my point was that different people will see this differently; I find it weird that people are so horrified by this arrangement.

They are BOTH weird and controlling. I suggest you're oblivious to gaslighting and control techniques. Very strange.

Especially when we are still none the wiser as to why she insists others attend Sunday dinner on pain of eviction.And she seems to be evading the question. If there's a reason, then give it, why wouldn't you?

I mean the ‘deal’ is just insane - really weird!! I don’t know many young people who want to be at home on a Sunday for that ‘ritual.’

However, that aside, they agreed to it so he complies or he gets charged rent/ gets evicted.

Okay, but why doesn't she just say that that's why the rule exists?

It's not difficult.

I could be a religious thing and it’s Friday night dinner not Sunday night dinner.

You are essentially blackmailing people to come to Sunday dinner. How bizarre. I'd rather pay rent than have this weird stipulation hanging over my head on a weekly basis.

This point is going to sort the sheep from the goats.

I'd imagined them all sitting down in the middle of the day. So many class threads on the lunch/dinner subject on MN.

God, it's even worse if it's the evening. They have all weekend to dread the barrage of sprouts and obligation.

OP is it important to you to create the illusion of a big, happy family? Lots of people gathered round the table and being hosted by you every Sunday? It does sound like it, but in actual fact they are there by force.....not because they're choosing to spend time with you. I wouldn't want to blackmail people into spending time with me.....are you that desperate for the company?

It is deeply, deeply odd as a stipulation but if they agreed to it then I suppose you can evict him. Expect it to destroy your relationship with family though.

She said it was Sunday. It's even in the title of the OP.

It's a cult