To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

She also said she’s changed some details.

Weird as fuck.

Yes, it wouldn't surprise me if they're forced to pray before eating.

Either way, it's not even the OP's caravan park and yet she's acting like they all have to bow and scrape to her.

OP has clarified it’s evening - I was also thinking lunch originally

If you were providing me with free accommodation I'd think the least I could contribute is joining you for dinner once a week, even if I felt it was a chore I'd still manage to put myself out for a couple of hours.
I'm amazed how many people here think they should be entitled to a secure, roof over their heads while offering nothing in return.

If it's a religious thing for you, OP, why not just SAY so instead of avoiding the question every time we ask you, or saying "I don't mind that other people think it's weird"? Again, what's the rationale here?

Really? Giving them somewhere to live for FREE? If someone did that for me, I’d be offering to cook for them, not being annoyed at going for a FREE meal once a week.
But, different strokes for different folks. They do have the choice whether to accept what’s on offer. And like I say, if someone offered me that deal, I’d snatch their hand off and think I was the winner.

It is quite an odd stipulation! My family have taken in various waifs and strays over the years but never with any expectation other than behaving like a normal person and taking care of the property etc. So I'm curious to know why this is important to you.

Having said that, if this is what the tenant signed up to then you are absolutely within your rights to tell them that you will be charging rent going forward as they obviously don't want to do the meal. And if they don't pay, they don't get the accommodation.

They probably do think it's a bit strange, though.

Why do you have this rule?

Ah thanks, I missed that because I was too busy going WTAF.

In what way is "joining someone for dinner" a "contribution"? They don't pay for or cook the food (yes, in this scenario they provide pudding, which wouldn't be for everyone either, given not everyone eats pudding, but....) What are they contributing exactly?

That's what we're trying to understand and what the OP keeps on avoiding answering. And in itself, that evasion is pretty weird.

I usually don’t agree with some of the stronger responses to AIBU threads, but in this case I do think there’s something really odd about this setup and I lean towards your viewpoint here.

While there’s nothing inherently bad about a dinner in itself (I’m sure it could be lovely, and communal eating can be great) it does feel like an arbitrary way of enforcing power. And I really don’t like saying that.

@TipJarTroubadours Might it be better to have a dinner that you warmly invite everyone to, and expect an RSVP to allow you to prepare, but don’t enforce attendance? Essentially, you’re offering free accommodation either way and enforcing this rule about dinner feels quite arbitrary. I understand it’s likely about demonstrating a sense of respect and perhaps creating a sense of togetherness and community. If it was voluntary, those who want to be there and enjoy the company for its own sake would probably still come, and those who might be sitting there quietly resentful wouldn’t always come; in reality, this would make the whole situation less false and may result in better relationships. Over time, those who don’t want to come now might find themselves choosing to come because it feels genuine and no longer feels forced.

I understand you wanting to have something in place in recognition of the fact these people are living rent-free in your accommodation. Could you do this differently, for example by asking for suggestions on how each person would prefer to contribute? The person who doesn’t want to attend now might, for example, prefer to wash the windows once a month or so some minor repairs around the house. If there’s a sense of choice and playing to people’s strengths it might feel quite different.

It’s like the premise of a Sherlock Holmes short story.
Holmes’s bemused client arrives at his Baker Street rooms wanting advice because his strange and eccentric landlady has recently gone missing. As he recounts his tale, the unusual rule about Sunday dinner proves to be the vital clue…

I’m guessing they’re Christian and the Sunday dinner is a religious thing, they say grace and make it a religious observance day.

I wouldn’t want to agree to those terms but I guess it would depend how much I needed the discount… and how bearable living there was. I wouldn’t want to be fixed to having to show up every Sunday - though of course I’d want to be polite where possible. If there was too much preaching / evangelising I’d feel pretty uncomfortable.

But I’m assuming they knew all that going in and agreed, so… your rules, so be it really! He can choose to leave or comply.

This is giving me 'Tales of the Unexpected' vibes.

It is obviously a bit unconventional but I think it is a really lovely tradition actually and yes if he agreed to be part of it then he should stick to it. I was going to say it might be difficult to attend every week if it is lunchtime but as it is the evening it shouldn’t interfere with plans too much or the pub!

I would be desperately worried about any DC of mine who had a set up like this when they left home for university.

I don't think I'd want them anywhere near the OP and her husband's house.

It surely has to be a cult/religious thing.

So why not just say, "I'm a Christian and this is important to me as part of religious observance"? Why keep avoiding answering the question?

Perfectly put.

I was about to ask the same question.

that...

I suppose it's assuming that people are less busy on Sunday night, local gyms here close early for example, so it might be the less inconvenient day of the week.

Bizarre request though, hopefully it's a "one hour Sunday dinner" max?

This has to be the oddest thing I’ve read on MN - and the bar’s pretty high.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable as this is such a good deal that they’re getting. But it is a weird request! Who would want to sit with someone that doesn’t want to be there? It’s creepy.

I don’t know why you’d want people to attend only because it’s that or potential homelessness. Must make for an odd atmosphere (I’m sure you think it’s great, but still).

This is such a weird condition for not being thrown out of your accommodation, rent free or not. One of the oddest things I’ve read on here.

Will you watch over him to make sure he chews and swallows every bite? What happens if he leaves some on the plate. Does he have to be sparkling company as well or is he allowed to sit in silence?

I know a lot of families have a nutty aunt but you might just win the prize.