To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

She gets to force them to pretend to be her friends so she’s not lonely? Literally this is all I can think of as to why she has it.

If it was a rule just for the one person, I’d think it was to keep an eye on him, perhaps a history of eating disorders etc so making one family meal means they can just check in on him, but as they’ve done this for 20+ people, then the reason must be for the OPs benefit not the young person’s benefit.

Most bizarre. What the huge deal about Sunday lunch. I never have it. I detest big meaty meals.

House meetings do have a rationale though, which is to have a time where everyone in the household gets to meet to discuss any issues that have come up and that need sorting out. I'm really not seeing what the rationale is for insisting that other adults eat with you on a designated day of the week, on pain of eviction.

It’s ‘Lady Bountiful’ mixed with ‘Misery’ and it would make me drop such a family member quick smart.

I would not dance to your tone deaf tune. Awful attitude towards others.

Very unreasonable, you are expecting him to give up nearly half of his weekend for a sunday dinner.

How could he goto the pub and have a few drinks and then spend sunday night with you. Maybe after the gym he has a set routine and doesnt want to be around a sunday lunch. He wants to watch the football and have fun with his mates. not have a forced lunch with old people.

Very sad you'll see him so badly financially impacted over it. And be prepared to fally out with your family over it.

It feels a bit like the old timeshare pitches: 3 hours of hard sell in exchange for cheap theme park tickets. I’m also curious why the meal is so important.

If coming to dinner was the deal, then it should be honoured.

But it is a very weird rule. Who wants to be made to have dinner.

This is how I feel.

I get wanting to spend time with people and have that connection but its creating false "closeness" as you are pretty much blackmailing people to have dinner with you once a week.

This is exactly how I take it too.

and if someone wants the free accommodation and yet doesn’t want to give a little acknowledgment that they are enjoying being a part of the family, by joining in with a meal once a week then they are all about taking. It’s selfish and I can see why op has asked that this rule is kept to.

The free accommodation is offered to family members who actively participate in the community of their family. Once a week.

I get it.

it reminds me of how I feel when one of my teenage children doesn’t bother to acknowledge me in the house. Eats and leaves without a word. I hope she will leave home soon.

Couldn't agree more. Creepy af and very, very weird.

YANBU at all. Those are the terms and he agreed to them.

I am slightly interested in why you want them to attend Sunday dinner with you but it doesn’t really matter.

Guessing it’s because it’s a family arrangement and not just giving random people a home for no reason.

(Edited to say dinner not lunch)

Also (edit) - I think it’s quite sweet

Control

I don't think forcing people to visit you is the best way to make people want to spend time with you. It makes them see you as a job. Because you're buying them.

I’d attend if that’s what I agreed to but I think it’s very weird.

It’s strange. I think I see where you are coming from. It’s not really about the dinner. It’s more if they are close enough to be given free accommodation then it’s a respect thing to be thankful for said accommodation and attend Sunday lunch.

Still when you are evicting people because of no shows to Sunday lunch that does sound batshit. But I suppose it is a lack of respect.

Why are you bribing and blackmailing people to spend time with you. Are you that lonely? Can't you join a club get a hobby or something to make actual friends preferably ones your own age.

Your mother, you as her child, 'family time'. Not strangers or other adults.

I'd rather pay to live somewhere else.
I find this very creepy and disturbing.

What a strange rule. But I suppose they knew the rules. Why do you have this rule out of interest ?

I think the strict rule and how you’re trying to enforce it are unreasonable and very likely to damage your relationship with your nephew permanently.

That said, I can understand that you might want to see him occasionally. I’m a mum of older teens and I know the feeling when they sometimes treat the house like a hotel and that having them around a bit makes a big difference- just a very small amount of appreciation that you’re a family rather than guest and staff.

Drop the Sunday dinner rule. Drop the idea of rules at all. Maybe invite him for a cup of coffee one day but be clear it’s an invitation not a three-line whip.

Also at university a few of my friends attended the Sunday evening church services because they needed to work or study during the day. What would you do if someone couldn’t attend because of religious practice?

of course it sounds like a great deal, but it is oddly controlling and very limiting, and means that they can't ever do anything else.

I would drop the condition, and charge rent or rent it to somebody else with no strings attached and full charges.

and never let to family

You’ve only had one person tell you there was an issue. The others probably didn’t want to loose their homes by confronting you.

I seriously don’t get why you’d make this compulsory.

Well hello, Emily Gilmore’s UK cousin on a smaller budget!

I really want to,know why you want these people to have dinner with you on a Sunday. Do you try and preach the bible at them when they come?