To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Young adults need to learn to consider others besides themselves and the discipline to follow through with things that are less than exciting.

And older adults need to learn that they don’t always get to control things just because they are older. And that things evolve.

"Afford" is relative; it's not black and white "can or can't." There are trade-offs to every financial decision.

They can forego the rent without complete financial ruin, and they choose to do so for people who show some interest in being part of the family/community. Because it's worth it to them, to nurture the bonds of the extended family.

Just because they can, doesn't mean they must. I could write a check for £10,000 pounds tomorrow morning and it wouldn't really affect me all that much, in fact I give my sister that sum a couple of times a year. But that doesn't mean I'd put up with disdain and disinterest, and still write the check. I can take a couple of fab holidays for that amount.

OP can live without the rental income, but why should she? There are plenty of fish in the sea. If the investment of those pounds is not panning out as she hoped, she'd be a fool to continue throwing good money after bad.

She would prefer to be raking in hundreds of pounds more per month than to be dining with a sullen, begrudging freeloader

I’d bet my last £5 that the OP is not in a position to rake in 100s from these caravans.

The poll is 50/50; clearly there are people whose perspectives align with the OP's.

Her mother's opinion is irrelevant because it's not her mother's family tradition. If mother wants to fund nephew's accommodations, let her do so.

WHY do they HAVE to attend a dinner?????

It is a bit weird but harmless, your nephew is also an idiot for throwing away an opportunity like that. If I had an aunt that said here live with me for free in your own caravan- you just have to come along to a home cooked meal once a week to interact with your own family I’d bite their arm off. I’m guessing he’s not grown up on the breadline!

Absolute last thing I would want to do is have dinner with a relative every week who is threatening me with eviction if I don’t come.
It’s a batshit rule.

Of course it's controlling.

You can clearly afford to let your relatives stay free of charge. Nobody is denying that it's a generous offer, but if you needed the money then, let's face it, you wouldn't be doing it.

So what you are actually doing is saying that you think because you are being oh so generous you get to dictate to your family how they spend their time, under the threat of this offer being withdrawn.

That is very, very fucked up.

Her mother's opinion is also probably also because they're trying to save DN from being kicked out/trying to avoid further family drama by getting OP to roll over on her terms

Nobody knows.

Of course people resent banks! What planet do you live on that they don’t!

OP is the 'weird aunt'. She can ask for whatever she wants in return for the room, but it doesn't mean it's not weird AF. Why is she asking MN about it and not having a chat with him about what arrangement would work for them both?
God knows what hold she has over her utter Sunday 'guests'. Sounds awful

Obviously, so OP can lord over them and enjoy having a teeny bit of power, whilst basking in their gratitude.

OP, in your refusal to actually explain what you get out of this compelled attendance, and why it is so important to you, you’re making it very difficult for anyone to judge whether you’re being unreasonable or not. You just keep repeating that it’s an offer he’s agreed to - we all understand that. What most of us don’t understand is your reasoning, or why you don’t see that coerced social relationships are not normal or healthy.

And a 20 year old do NOT need unsolicited guidance unless requested!! They are adults.

This.

“The investment of those pounds” - 😂 Amazing.

“My investment isn’t performing. I invested in (checks notes) making someone have Sunday dinner with me. They don’t want dinner with me. This in no way reflects on me, but I am reviewing my investment strategy.”

Your! 👏 family! 👏 are! 👏 not! 👏 financial! 👏 products!

but congrats on being rich to this poster I guess 🤷🏻‍♂️

My husband has three siblings who have never had decent jobs or much money. On the other hand we both had good jobs, good salaries, a biggish house.

I always tried really hard not to make it seem like we were in any way "lording" it over any of his family.

It is so easy to do it, even inadvertently - you pay for one sister and her kids to come on holiday with you for example and then you have to be really careful you aren't expecting anything in return. My sister in law would always buy us a present but I never expected it.

What I'm saying is that I have been in that position of being the one with the power. Even if you try to use it benignly, with family, it still has the potential to cause resentment.

I would never, ever expect anything in return for my generosity. It is too embarrassing already for the recipients and you are most likely just to create resentment.

Just give him the caravan for free, let him think we'll of you, see what happens. Don't use your good fortune to lord it over him with bizarre demands.

@TipJarTroubadours- before you evict him, have you thought about explaining to him why the Sunday night dinners are so important? I get you won’t tell us why they matter enough for you to make it a condition of residency, but would you consider talking to him like an adult and explaining why you have this rule? There must be a reason.

And the secondly have you thought about asking him if a different night would work better for him? If he regularly has clashes on a Sunday, would he prefer a different evening? If it’s just about spending time together weekly, does it have to be on a Sunday evening?

The only people I know who "resent banks" are ignorant, uneducated people with few assets and bad credit. Who don't understand how the global economy operates.

😂😂😂😂😂 I get it, it’s satire. Good one

This.

She could ask for money, that would be fine. She could even ask for the nephew to help out around the caravan park or to pick up the shopping. There is a point to those requests that make it transactional and maintain a fair balance of power.

What OP is demanding is just fucking weird, and it's all about holding power over her nephew.

For free rent shouldn't he be adjusting his schedule?🤔

She HAS told us. Only the incredibly thick don't get it at this point, or are trying to not get it.

It's a family tradition started by her in-laws many years ago, to forego significant income and instead use their properties to give young family members a leg up - IF the young people seemed interested in being active members of the family.

Why that is so difficult to comprehend is a mystery. There is value to community, to the village, to the extended family. Some people consider it worthwhile to have a weekly (or more frequent) meal gathering to foster those ties. Instead of everyone eating takeaway in their rooms while scrolling. Her husband's family established this ehos and she and her spouse are trying to continue it, and broadening the offer to her side of the family.

The discipline of keeping a weekly commitment, of getting outside of one's shell and expressing an interest in others, of helping to prepare and clean up a convivial meal, are things whose value shouldn't need to be explained. People pretending not to understand this are just trying to have a go at the OP.

If this were a Friday night 'shabbat' dinner for a Jewish family, then it would be culturally coded as absolutely needing to be adhered to, as it denotes following a religious person's moral belief system. We don't know why the Sunday dinner requirement, but could it be for a similar religious reason? It would not be "controlling" or "weird" -- I'm just sayin'!! People are really harsh on these feeds.