To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

TBF OP has said he could pay rent instead.

He had the choice when he accepted the deal. It sounded good to him then. Now he doesn't care to hold up his end of the bargain, so off he goes.

“They’re the weird ones” says the person who clearly treats Misery like it’s a copy of Debrett’s. It’s not supposed to be an instruction manual!

Rubbish.
Family connection comes from the repeated expectations duties and commitments performed for each other. You don't always have to want to, you don't even have to necessarily like the people. But if they are family you take on certain roles for each other.

OP is letting them stay for free because they are family not because she likes them more than the people who pay rent.

It's such a modern individualistic idea that everyone should only do exactly what they want and duty is oppressive.

It's led to fractured families.

She was probably good company. OP won’t answer if she is an easy going fun person to be around, which is quite telling.

She has said that he is free to pay rent at market rates instead.

Why not just be nice for the sake of it and stop expecting something back in return?

Well said.

I doubt the nephew is the most pleasant dining companion out there, or that the OP is thrilled to be in his presence. She is trying to nurture and maintain extended family bonds, and to give him a leg up in the world.

He's spurning everything but the free place to live. So off he goes.

While I agree it's very Emily and Richard Gilmore, one of the benefits of that arrangement meant that Rory was able to form a bond with her grandparents, who then took her in after her fight w/ her mom, paid for her college (and prep school), got her jobs and fought on her behalf when she was treated poorly (Logan's parents). This relationship would not have taken place because Lorelei was dead set against it until she realized she could get her daughter free tuition as part of the deal. I'd argue it, over time, improved Lorelei and her parents' relationship too.

Perhaps the OP is much wiser than the ungrateful DN.

I don't think it has....the number of people who post on here that as soon as they could get away from home they did and never looked backl.

He doesn’t have to be there every week for that. It’s just a chore really.

Free housing and a Sunday roast !!!

Where do I sign up ???

YANBU !

Tbf I don't think the nephew would have interpreted "we like for you to come to dinner every Sunday evening" as a non negotiable condition for him living there. I doubt the OP made it clear from the outset : You have an obligation to attend my Sunday evening dinner every single week and bring pudding and do dishes. If you don't come you will have to pay rent or I will evict you". Very much doubt the latter was said. OP should have a written contract with the batshitty rules spelled out so family members know what hell they are in for.

This

It helps to read the thread.
She has clearly said that he can pay rent at market rates if he doesn't want to be part of the Sunday dinner circle.

No one is being forced to do anything. OP is housing a relative who has no interest in getting to know her or spend time with her family. No one could expect that to be sustainable. Why would she? She could rent out the caravan for hundreds of pounds a month instead.

This def gave me Misery vibes as well..

No it's the same.

I could have paid full rent and not done the dinners.
So can he.

He agreed to do the dinner, as pp have said, it's the Same as agreeing to upkeep the lawn or whatever.

So how did the dinners go when he did attend?

I think OP has been really clear

I think you proved my point.

There were more captives so there were no leftovers for the next day when the postie fell into the trap.

This is incredibly strange. Why would you want people in your house for dinner every week who don't want to be there? Weird power trip.

Or why not expect the man to honour his commitments

I think you made the rules clear, and think it’s quite a good deal - free accommodation in exchange for a weekly family social.

However I think my main concern would be the legal side - you sound like an experienced landlord so hopefully all covered, but I’m not sure that you can legally enforce a tenancy agreement if you’ve been allowing someone to stay rent free with no tenancy agreement.

I'd love to sign up for free rent and a Sunday dinner btw if there's a space going