To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

What? It sounds so controlling. Why does it mean so much to you to have them all at dinner once a week? Weird all round.

There is no threat or coercion taking place here. Whatsoever.

"We expect family members we house free of charge to attend the weekly family dinner and help clean up," is neither a threat, nor coercive.

@arcticpandasthey have said they have made it clear from the beginning though and reinforced it with their own family this half term. So any confusion has been cleared up?

Tbh this rule isn’t odd to me. Most families when I was growing up (admittedly a while ago) if you lived in someone’s ’set up’ familial or otherwise you ate together at the table. The poster is asking for once a week.

I do also think it’s a sad societal reflection that people think rules don’t apply to them. Especially as OP has made it clear they have been told. Like they said they are free to pay the rent if not.

I would go for a Sunday dinner if i was offered rent free accommodation!
When can i move in?

She is being nice.
She's giving him free accommodation.

Maybe he should be nice in return.

Op, would you seriously not feel awkward if he suddenly started coming, knowing that he didn't particularly want to be there and was only doing so because he doesn't want to move out or pay rent...how is that a lovely family meal for you?

The option of attending a shared family meal every week whilst living on site? Lovely and I'd think that was a noce thing with positive family connections

Basically blackmailing people the threat of paying rent or eviction if they don't come? Not so lovely now

Wouldn't you rather know people want to be at the meal Than feel they have to come?

Because it's not a commitment when you've been coerced into it.

There is an option to just pay the rent

They might be a bad cook. There could be good reasons why he doesn't want to attend (considering he has previously attended). Has OP even thought about the idea it might not be a very enjoyable experience.

Who are the other people at these weekly dinners?

The fact that this^ is what you've taken from these responses is mind blowing.

In answer to AIBU - in theory, you aren't being unreasonable to ask someone to stick to agreed terms. However, the terms themselves are wildly unreasonable. So there is the conundrum we have been faced with in replying!

Does he see you at offer times? Maybe sit down with him and agree something that works for both of you. Cos this ain't it! Maybe he can pop in for coffee a couple of times a week and/or help you with some jobs around.

Personally think that this sounds lovely. It keeps a family atmosphere and you are helping your family in ways that most people wouldn't dream of. Just asking for a meal a week as a courtesy is acceptable, uni students can get caught up in the whole social side of uni life but this sounds like an incredible opportunity, we aren't talking small amounts of money halls and student accommodations are really expensive if they can save even half those costs then they are setting themselves up for a brilliant start to independent adult life.
Those claiming some quite frankly disturbing things needs to get their heads out of netflix documentaries. Like you said your inlaws gave you this opportunity and you are giving it to your families.
Quite jealous tbh 😂

There’s no coercion
he had many options

including paying the rent
or renting somewhere else

It seems a really weird request but if was told and agreed of the rules before moves in

then Yes bill the non attending person for the weeks rent

as many do , I find it weird you insist they attend the Sunday meal , so they can’t ever meet up with friends that day , or go to the pub or chill out etc

but those are the rules

to me a free roast on a Sunday and free board wouid be a bargain

but what if they don’t attend /have other plans then what ?

Wouldn't that be invite rather than expect? There is a world of difference.

Hmm was wondering about this as well as OP said she served toast and beans to those who didn't like the food and also mentioned people bringing their own food "due to allergies".

It's not blackmail. It's an agreement.

I will provide x if you will provide y.

Every relationship (apart from parent/child) has to be ever mutually beneficial to work.
Nothing is free there are always expectations. That doesn't make it blackmail it makes it reality.

I wouldnt be so controlling to say to anyone that they have to jump to my beat if im offering something for nothing.

Its weird.

If you want to be nice and help then be nice and help, dont attach weird, controlling rules on to it and then say 'oh im so nice, im giving up all this free stuff, you must do as I say'!

What if the student gets a bar job "oh sorry boss, I cant work on a sunday as my auntie says I must attend lunch!"
Or
"Oh sorry football coach, I cant play Sundays because auntie dearest insists I be at her house for lunch!"

Either be nice and help but don't bleat on about lost earnings and weird rules. Rent the bloody place out then!

So you're basically condoning prostitution.

For every rental property on the market there are 30ish potential applicants.

Income has risen far far less than cost of living. He probably can’t afford to just move out.

And yes, threatening someone’s home IS coercion.

This thread is wild.

Apparently she doesn’t. Even her own mother thinks she’s unreasonable but OP hasn’t once said maybe it is a strange command or admits having people reluctantly there is in any way awkward or weird. I do question how likeable and good company she is based on her refusal to see it as weird to make someone eat with you under threat.

Eat with us every Sunday or be evicted is definitely a threat and coercive. You have a very fucked up view of relationships as is evident throughout this thread if you think that treating people this way is in any respect normal or even admirable as you appear to do so. No one forms healthy or positive relationships by strong arming people into spending time with them.

I wonder if the OP has just spoken to him. I mean DH’s best friend’s daughter’s partner could be an arsehole and he can’t bear being around him.

It’s also just struck me that the OP’s DS is also being housed in a caravan on the condition that he attends dinner. Would he also be evicted for non compliance? Or could he just move into their actual house.

(I appreciate that if people just spoke to other people and asked what was up, AIBU might be a little barren)

Why do you want to force people to have Sunday lunch with you against their will?

Agree. I have 3 kids at Uni and one who has a room with own bathroom and tiny kitchenette to himself ( so similar to a caravan facilities ) is paying £9600/year

How wonderful to save that money
Live without that additional Student debt and interest for 40years
and
get fed on a Sunday.

He had a choice. He chose the right one and now he’s throwing that away.

She’s already said that the mood of one person wouldn’t matter so that’s even weirder 😂