To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

This is a great post for the time of year. It oozes low budget British horror film vibes.

You've had some strange and unkind accusations levelled at you and that's not OK. But with regard to why this matters to you, if you don't want to provide a reason, then inevitably people are going to focus on what the reason might be, rather than whether you are being unreasonable or not. Personally I just can't fathom why this would be important to you, especially as it presumably puts you to more trouble what with the cooking and the hosting.

Or options. You can come to dinner or you can walk the dog or you can do x number of hours of DIY or gardening or something else useful.

Sounds like absolute madness to me OP, totally controlling and ridiculous, I just can’t believe that you’re actually being serious.
You cannot force people to socialise with you, it’s just plain crazy.

I’m convinced that Julia Davis has started testing new series ideas via AIBU threads

I actually feel quite sorry for you op. You must be aware that a large portion of the people you bribe for company under the pretense of "family unit" probably do it under duress for their free housing, yet youre still satisfied with that as long as you see a full table.

There is something very sad about that tbh.

Awful isn't it.

I demand a group gathering every week so I can bask in my superiority and every person in there gets a frequent visual reminder of how many people I get to control through handing my husband's accommodation too, and they all have to do what I say every Sunday.

Oh, yes!

This one would be called "The Agreement"

OP, if you win will you be able to enjoy it? I don't think I could. I'm imagining forcing anyway of my nephews to a dinner he didn't want to attend on pain of being evicted and I just can’t see it being enjoyable for either one of us! I get that it was the agreement, but I don't see what you can get from this situation now. If he attends dinner, you know he doesn't want to be there - that would make me so uncomfortable as a hostess that it would ruin the evening anyway. I understand this is a tradition for you, but I wonder what the point is in forcing it at this stage?

I think it’s a fantastic rule OP, I would love to have the chance to do the same. I think it’s inspired.

This is a tricky one- in principle I agree, you made a deal, he hasn’t upheld his side so you are not obliged to either. If you said his end of the bargain was helping clean or tidy I would fully be on your side but I do think it’s a little odd to insist he comes to dinner if he doesn’t want to. Is it because you want to make sure he is ok or you like entertaining? Either way I don’t think you are morally wrong, just not sure it is something I would insist upon.

It’s not unreasonable if that was what was agreed prior to rental but your insistence of this clause is really strange.

I’d feel really uncomfortable being forced to eat with a parents friend/aunt once a week in a formal sounding setting and would probably have chosen to pay rent instead.

What does this big Sunday meal do for you? Perhaps them or you understanding why this clause is so important to you might help the situation

I think OP is firmly entrenched in her opinion that she is right so what honestly is the point of this long thread...?

Is it just down to optics OP? You want to see a big family gathering regardless of how happy anyone actually is? A sort of big Waltons family dinner on the outside even if it’s forced.

That's exactly how it is!

Your property, your rules and provided you’ve made them clear, then you’re not unreasonable to enforce them.

BUT @TipJarTroubadoursdo you not see how your rule comes across as odd and controlling? You compare attending Sunday dinner to a job. It’s their ‘job’ to attend, in return for accommodation.

do you have any other rules pertaining to this? I mean, if someone really doesn’t want to attend but does it, and remains silent, not participating in any chat or socialising over the meal, is that acceptable to you?

because in a job, there are usually various rules that go along with it. In a customer facing role, you need to be polite and responsive. I suppose doing something like shelf stacking, you could work pretty much on your own, you don’t need to enjoy it or pretend you like it. So can people take that approach with you? As long as they turn up, do the deal, is it ok if they don’t interact or pretend that they want to be there?

and of course the ultimate question: why is it so important to you to have people for Sunday dinner who may be doing it simply for free accommodation and are hating every minute of your Sunday dinners?

I can't imagine the state of the caravans and the site they're on, with all this lost income.

It's not cheap to keep them and the site in good condition.

It sounds weird written down because it absolutely is weird.
I can understand wanting the accommodation to be transactional in some way.
I can understand wanting some kind of contact from family who are living on your property.
I don’t understand why it needs to be as rigid as an enforced weekly Dinner that sounds like it’s for a lot of people and includes the provision of pudding and doing the washing up.
I love a Sunday Dinner and perhaps it’s just the way you are posting but this sounds awful.

Can you not see the difference in "people who love spending time together" and people who have to force you to eat with them, or sit around and watch them eat, or threaten you with eviction??

YANBU.

Nephew knew the terms before he moved in and needs to stick to the deal. If he won't, he can pay in cash for somewhere to live.

PP criticising you need to think about whether they'd leave £10,000 income on the table every year before they make snide remarks.

Even with the 'price' of having to attend one dinner a week it's a total bargain, and you are being very generous in forgoing so much income.

I agree. Why on earth would you want people there who are only there under duress? It seems so bizarre to me.

Maybe you’re a terrible cook and he can’t stomach it anymore.

I can't imagine agreeing to have free board at my aunts on the agreement I have Sunday lunch with her, then refusing to have Sunday lunch with her once I move there. Why not be honest and say thats not going to work for me?

What’s so strange is, why didn’t they DN and his parents just turn down the offer if it was so creepy?

Why take the half of the deal that benefits you and then just not do the half that you don’t fancy?

It’s entitlement at its finest.

I think its fine, a way to foster community and share space...not weird at all. Fantastically generous...if you cant keep to a basic agreement like this I despair.

Sad to hear doing something nice is seen so "weird"...it isn't at all.
All power to you OP, Happy Sundays ❤️