To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

I’m curious to know what happened during the pandemic. Did tenants have to attend a zoom Sunday lunch?

I would never enforce such a stupid pointless rule. Either I can let my nephew stay for free because I love my nephew or I can’t afford to, a compulsary dinner would be utterly irrelevant and wouldn’t even enter my head.

But it’s not plain socialising is it?? They don’t want to be there making chit chat and conversation 😆

Unless that’s the rule as well? OP do they have to talk and make conversation? Or can they just turn up eat and go?

I expect a lot of people have stuck to the rule to save money but they probably hated going for the meal.. I also can’t get my head around why OP wants to go to the effort of cooking a full roast EVERY Sunday for people that clearly don’t want to be there!!!

At the end of the day OP it’s your ( weird AF ) rule but it’s mega odd and controlling 🤷🏻‍♀️

indeed. It's a classic example of 'AIBU? I'm definitely not no matter what anyone says' so why ask?

No one has to attend. But to live without paying rent or utilities that is what I ask them to do.

I'm not sure why it would be more acceptable if I said because of religion, because I don't see how having God involved makes it more acceptable (but then I don't believe in a God)

Regards not eating, it was just a reply to the people saying they couldn't/wouldn't want to eat - I'm not force feeding anyone, but I do want them to attend as part of the family.

(And that is all it is, a family/friend dinner- we are sociable- as I have said those that have lived with us in the past choose to visit, as do other family/close friends. No meeting, no prayer)

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease again, he is an adult, he knew this was a condition of him living there. Cry me a river. The OP has said he is saving £10k on accommodation fees. I hardly call 1 evening meal a week a hardship for that kind of saving. He isn't cooking the roast dinner, it is being provided for free along with his free accommodation.

I’m so glad I’m not on your family. Expecting something back for an act of kindness is utterly selfish. You either do it with good grace or not at all.

Exactly. She owes him absolutely nothing. She's offering him a valuable concession but only if he cares to behave like part of the family. If he doesn't want to see his family regularly, he can easily live elsewhere.

I wonder how many of you calling her weird and controlling would be willing to provide ten thousand pounds a year to someone who didn't wish to be in your presence once a week. Do you open your homes to any old grifter who needs a free place to live?

Agree the first thread I’ve ever read to my husband, who grimaced and shook his head, and then commented about interacting with this sort of person on line.

its the sort of thing you wake up in the night and think about, it’s that weird and controlling.

Comparing you to a rapist is unfair - but saying you are abusive isn't.

You are exploiting your (much) greater financial power in order to make people do things that gratify you in some way. (Unclear how or why it gratifies you - it's the power trip I assume. You can make them do this, and so, you do).

It would be fairer to compare you to a rich man who exploits vulnerable women and forces them to go out for meals with him. Doesn't actually make them have sex, but requires their company and adulation.

99% of respondents have told you it's weird. Yet you are not even remotely willing to consider the possibility it's weird?

You are in a financial position to help family and friends in this way - obviously, you should. Doesn't make you some kind of massive hero - should just be a basic expectation of any normal sane human being with even an ounce of empathy for others. It shouldn't come with these weird, humiliating strings attached.

Because yes, I would feel deeply humiliated if I was compelled to attend a family meal each week, entirely against my wishes. You are treating adults like dependant children. I don't understand why, or what you can possibly get out of it.

It's a strange and disturbing power game. Maybe because I have been in abusive relationship, before, it completely makes my flesh crawl.

Please stop doing it. Now.

Yes, there’s nothing wrong in having a rational, helpful exchange but the utter irrationality of forcing someone to eat your dinner is so very weird and creepy. Because that is what it basically is, OP is forcing her nephew to eat her dinner or else.

If I was a writer I could see a sinister creepy drama forming in my head. 😁

Patricia Routledge in her prime would be the aunt, Daniel Radcliffe as the nephew.

What a bizarre take.

The OP is providing thousands of pounds a year advantage to her freeloading nephew, (and by extension to his parents, if they would have been helping to pay for a flat) and SHE is the selfish one?

Why don't you say "You are welcome to dinner on Sundays as often as you like" rather than making it something you insist on? That's the part I find really odd. It seems like some sort of power trip on your part?

She's made it clear people can bring their own food if they don't like her menu. It's the socializing that is important.

You aren't "sociable". It isn't sociable to enjoy the company of people you are compelling to be in your presence due to your greater financial power. It's controlling and disturbing. Please listen to what everyone is telling you.

Well the ops now on the point of falling out with her sister and mother who think she is wholly unreasonable and has grandly stated she’s going to bill to year end then evict him at Xmas if he doesn’t turn up tomorrow.

how anyone thinks that’s just lovely beats me.

Exactly. An open invitation not a command.

Beyond weird to include that in the deal. Personally I wouldn’t want to have people around my house who are only there because I’ve demanded their presence. I’d rather it be a choice. And I don’t understand why you would make the demand either. Very very peculiar. Not sure how you justify this to yourself that it is a normal request.

Good grief. This is one of the weirdest threads I’ve ever read on this site and that’s saying something! I couldn’t imagine forcing this on any of my family members. I wouldn’t want to be remembered as the controlling, sinister aunt who forced everybody to have dinner with her every week. It’s like blackmail. Horrible. I suspect you’ll have a very lonely old age OP. If I was in the position the help out members of my family and make their lives easier, you can bet I’d do it. It certainly wouldn’t be conditional with a threat of eviction .

And probably far more likely to achieve OP’s desired outcome

Most certainly.

It’s mind boggling. OP should never have done this in the first place. It’s batshit.

You say "We are sociable" in your post at 18.19

But some family members may not be quite so sociable and a large group of people every Sunday might not suit their temperament?

Could you ply them with free alcohol?

This is so batshit, I’m fascinated. Have they got to talk and be engaging or could they just sit there and go on their phones or put the telly on?

What if one week you wanted to do something different and you didn’tcook a Sunday dinner? If you’re ill? On holiday?

Nearly every person on this thread is telling you how grim and controlling this is.

And all you can say is "well I don't think it is"

What's the point of your thread if you already think you're in the right.

Most of us have can see why you demand this, and truly, counselling is the answer here, not pretending you have to keep a "tradition" as an excuse to feed your ego/martyr complex.