To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

When I lived with my parents (until 22yo) we were very much expected to be there for Sunday lunch. There'd be times when we weren't, by arrangement and I don't know what would have happened if I'd rebelled and decided I wasnt going, but it was the norm for our family. Is that so different?

What do you mean they don’t need to eat. What on earth are you doing? Is it religious, some form of cult stuff?

Then you are being very small-minded

OP I think it’s fine to ask them to stick to the rule. But I think the rule is bribery. Why would you want to force people to come to dinner with you? I’d be be mortified with X number of people feeling like they have to attend. Dragging themselves and maybe sitting in uncomfortably.

can you change it up a bit and ask them to help out or pay a nominal fee. Or maybe ask to attend a family meal once per month. I think once per week with any family member is a bit much.

Personally if it were me I’d be very creeped out and not want to attend the forced meal. Therefore wouldn’t stay.

it’s control because you’re asking them to do something they don’t want to do in receipt of something they may struggle to afford without succumbing to the rule.

edited for typo and also to add: do they ever get to choose what they eat?

Not weird to have rules you'd like kept when providing free accomodation

Really weird to be obsessed with having people to sunday dinner. Why do you need people there? If you love hosting why not just invite other friends who might want to come? Someone who doesn't really want to be there isn't going to be a good guest to host anyway.

Do you think landlords who charge rent are "bullying" and creepy? Do you thihnk people who offer uni students free or reduced rent in exchange for cleaning/chores are "bullying" and creepy?

Honestly, the paranoia here at Mumsnet is off the charts. The OP is offering free accommodation (and a private one at that!) to a young relative, saving him thousands a year, and all she asks in return is to be treated like a human being and to break bread with the family once a week. And she is even providing the meal.

If the boy is so stunted, awkward, immature, selfish or busy to be bothered, then let him find another accommodation and pay up. His choice.

If people come and don’t eat op. And others attend, “friends” and some don’t eat then this isn’t some kindly aunt family dinner is it; this is some form of meeting isn’t it?

Yes maybe this as well.

I do wonder if I had reversed this is would be different

'my aunt lets me stay rent free in my own place with no bills so I can attend uni without having to get a job in term time. The only thing she asks is to attend one sunday meal a week but I don't want to do it. Aibu?'

Well no don’t be ridiculous.

So it's as I said 'i must feel that my financial benefit for you is allowing me control over you in some way'. Psychologically it's a bit obvious there's an underlying need to control on your part. You should probably seek counselling

Of course it's optional - don't live there or pay rent!
It is very unreasonable to agree to the terms and then expect to not adhere to them. Doesn't work in other things, why should it work here?

It’s a deal for free accommodation
She could have said you get free accommodation but
you do the gardening or
you clean the other caravans ( my dh did similar in his Uni years )

As it is she’s asked not for work but attending a family meal

It’s not a threat as he had the choice to rent somewhere else and actually pay for his accommodation.

this ^

But he agreed to the contract. It doesn't matter what the contract is (unless it's requiring sexual services or to run drugs etc. or anything illegal) he agreed to it so he could live rent free. If he doesn't want to keep to the contract then he has to pay rent. Perfectly reasonable - though not a contract I'd offer (I don't often cook Sunday dinner). And if OP gives in then all her rent free people will do the same and not come to Sunday dinner, which means the entire enterprise and everyone's good, except the nephew's, is wrecked. Explain to nephew in words of one syllable that he is spoiling things for everyone else and he either turns up for dinner (a free meal!) and goes down the pub later or whatever, or he pays rent and bills.

Its not just weird though, its creepy, as in horror story creepy.

I f I were you I’d have an objective think about how this is coming across. A “we’d love you to join us for Sunday dinner” should be as far as it’s necessary to go.

I mean it's fair enough as they've agreed to the rules.

But it sounds weird and controlling though. Do you make everyone put cutlery down and ask everyone to update you on their lives as well?

'my aunt lets me stay rent free in my own place with no bills so I can attend uni without having to get a job in term time. The only thing she asks is to attend one sunday meal a week but I don't want to do it. Aibu

let me fix that for you

'my aunt lets me stay rent free in my own place with no bills so I can attend uni without having to get a job in term time. The only thing she asks is to attend one sunday meal a week with her and her friends, I don’t need to eat, others don’t, but I don't want to do it and she’s threatening me with eviction if I don’t attend this weekly event with her and these other people. Aibu

there fixed.

Well that’s weird too. I used to go every Sunday to see my parents but it was voluntary, I wanted to go and I could say I won’t be over next week. If they demanded it they wouldn’t have seen me. Even when I lived there once I was an adult I wasn’t ‘expected’ to be there for Sunday lunch. It wouldn’t occur to me to enforce such a rule to my own (adult) kids.

t’s control because you’re asking them to do something they don’t want to do in receipt of something they may struggle to afford without succumbing to the rule.

What utter hogwash. OP isn't forcing him to attend uni, to live away from his parents or otherwise bend to her will. She is offering a free caravan that includes bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and living area to a young person who otherwise might go into debt for student accommodation. SHE is not the one making him vulnerable or potentially causing him to "struggle," ffs.

He is making himself vulnerable by not holding up his end of a very simple agreement.

I'd say 'dont do it, that's a really weird expectation and I'd wonder what's behind it'

I agree,it's controlling. Who came up with the idea of dinner and why? What do you get out of it apart from the knowledge they are beholden to you?

In order to meet his personal goal of attending university he's in a financially vulnerable position which for some reason the op wants to use as a control measure presumably for her ego

I think it’s you who is talking hogwash, but you’re determined the op is right to force this lad to attend this odd weekly event and even just sit there with her and her mates and use the offer of the caravan to force him

On the face of it it seems fine. This is the rule. But something about it just feels “off”. If you don’t want to let people live there rent free then don’t. If you do then let them without strings. This is just weird.

OP it’s the way you frame it. If you explained you have a long standing family tradition of a big family Sunday roast on Sunday nights which you really value and ask people living with you to make an effort to attend, it wouldn’t come across so weird. It’s the ‘come to dinner or you’re evicted’ vibes that are weird.