To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Then they can become "comfortable" with practice. That's the adult thing to do.

Or they can stump up hundreds of pounds a month rent elsewhere. The OP isn't exactly begging him to stay. Plenty would jump at the deal.

Payment in kind is different to payment in control.

Maybe if OP said attendance for a meal, shared together. at any time of the week. But she didn’t. It specifically has to be that meal with a large amount of other people, some of which are strangers. It’s weird.

Stop forcing people to eat with you!!!

I can think of nothing worse. I just don't enjoy eating with people. Not even family. As a kid, I could just about tolerate Christmas dinner, but to have to endure something like that on a regular basis would be torture.
Some here are saying it's "nice" but I just don't feel any provision is being made for the fact that some people are introverts and would really struggle with having this sort of pressure hanging over them.

Absolutely he should move out. His parents need to get him out asap and go nc with the op. I am sure when he agreed he didn’t realise it was this serious and that if he didn’t attend he would be threatened and she wants him there under duress.

"Payment" involves value. So what's the value? And why is it so hard to state what that personal 'value' is despite being asked?

I understand the concept of 'payment in kind' thanks. Most of us do. But am weirded out by the total inability to say what the OP feels she is gaining from someone else's obligatory attendance at Sunday dinner.

Then they can become "comfortable" with practice. That's the adult thing to do.

You do know not all adults are comfortable with big meals with people they don’t know, right?

I’ve voted unreasonable as it’s a very weird stipulation, and you’ve not tried to justify why on earth you do it in any subsequent posts.

Why do you force your nephew to have Sunday dinner with you? Can’t you see how tedious is probably is for him? Why would you put someone through that just for your strange desire?

Most of us aren't thick and don't NEED an explanation. She is fostering family connections per a longstanding tradition carried on by the caravan site owners. Because she thinks it's important that extended family socialize together.

Is it REALLY that difficult to comprehend?

It's the deal he accepted. He can comply with the terms or pay cash.

Most caravan park owners actually screw over owners. They’re not places of ethics a lot of the time.

OP didn’t even inherit it, her husband did. She’s obviously loving the power trip of lauding accommodation over people, sad git. Perhaps if she had got herself a job and lived in her own house that she earned, she’d be a little more stable.

I’m a mother and an aunt and this sounds toxic to me. I wouldn’t dream of offering my nephew free accommodation in exchange for his compulsary attendance at my Sunday dinners. The men in white coats can take me away if I ever thought that was ok.

You can’t have it both ways: claiming people aren’t really hard up so it’s not a big deal but then stating that rent is really expensive and so it’s a significant be edit you’re providing.

The fact is for many young people at university rent represents a huge and significant outlay and attaching conditions of a personal nature is - whether you like it or not - coercive. You are using you wealth/resources to compel someone to participate in a something they are clearly not comfortable with an blurring the lines of consent and free will.

Was looking for this comment before I made it 😂

He doesnt sound cordial.... He sounds like he doing whatever the fuck he wants.

he has taken the free accommodation (which like every "free" thing in life comee with some strings... these are small easy strings imo) and is now doing whatever the hell he wants instead of keeping up his end of the bargain.

He needs to move out pay for his own accommodation and if nothing else he'll learn a good lesson about social contracts and how the real world works

I don't consider such people to be fully adult, tbh. The ability to socialize and make small talk is a skill that can be developed. And should be.

I think most posters fully comprehend the idea of payment in kind.
What we're struggling with is that the 'kind' equals a three line whip to attend a gravy dinner.

But what you’re not telling us is WHY you’d want to work hard making a meal and know the people coming don’t want to be there.

I think OP is getting the brown end of the stick here. It’s worked for family in the past - incentivised inclusion. It may not work for everyone but it’s not a bad deal for either side if it is just dinner and chat (no sales/politics/religion like most genial family meals). They have a choice that they know of before and like any contract they can choose to take it on or not.

no she’s not and it’s you who is struggling because once again she’s threatening with eviction or charging thousands a year if he doesn’t turn up every signee Sunday and eat dinner with her and her mates. That’s bit fostering family relations that’s bullying controlling and creepy behaviour.

Late to the party, but I completely agree with you. It's a nice thing to share a meal together, rather than feeling like you are being used for your accommodation and they dont give a feck about spending time with you. Stick to your guns!

Hi OP, any vacancies?! Sounds wonderful to me 🥰

I said in my op that one brought their own food, another had beans on toast every Sunday. If as a pp said it was sensory of course that would be different but it isn't that. Meals are different, have options but you don't have to eat. But you do have to regularly turn up.

Tbh I have never had this issue, the conversation goes, yes you have a caravan, no charge except you are expected to turn up for Sunday evening dinner. That is what it costs you.

I'm not avoiding the question, but there isn't really an answer.
It just matters to us, I think the posters that say nothing is free are probably correct. We expect attendance once a week- for the rest of it they can do what they please, but that is the exchange.

I also think those saying about family are right, we have many people living on our site which are much poorer and more vulnerable than our nephew, and yet they pay rent (and we don't have them at the table on a Sunday.)
If he wants to not be part of the family rules then he can pay rent (or move elsewhere)

If I was charitable, or desperate for company then it would be easy to fill my table.

Hmm, maybe if you met her and her mates you’d not be so keen,,,.

Why?
Some of us are naturally introverted.