To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

You have never had a problem. I bet a lot of your tenants have!

Obviously it's a pretty fair deal if you think of it as a job. Two hours attendance per week in return for your rent is a good hourly rate. And it's very kind of you to foot such expenses for family or friends and can see why attendance seems a fair and respectful exchange.
However people don't have that much free time for hobbies and socialising. I think a mid week dinner would be much less of a hindrance to people's freedom. They could cook more often if cooking midweek is a chore. But basically I think a bit more flexibility would make it more realistic and fair of an expectation.

Have a grown up conversation about why DN isn't attending dinner, and explain why it's important to you - if not, the absolutely charge market rates for the caravan.

I'm not sure she can explain why it's important to her, though.
She can't here.

My money is still on something religious.

I get it, free accommodation and to put that into perspective my son's uni rent is £8500 a year. Plus a free meal every Sunday, a roast dinner no less. I would bite your hand off.

I think it is lovely actually to acknowledge the people doing you a massive favour of providing free accommodation. You don't have to do this. He can choose to live elsewhere and pay rent. He agreed to it before he moved in. The way people are talking on here is like you are torturing him.

"a big family meal once a week is a good way of getting to know each other. "

A big compulsory family meal once a week is a good way of getting to know that you have a coercive auntie.

It’s really not.

I can’t imagine in what universe it’s not bratty to expect accommodation completely for free, and not even fulfil the one non onerous term of the agreement.

The OP doesn’t owe the nephew a free place to stay!

I suggested Christian but not thinking any kind of generosity! It smacks of evangelical Christian groups I’ve known who do these kind of gatherings in order to bring others into the fold / convert them. Evangelical Christians are required by their religion to… well, to be evangelical!

I say this not trying to be rude btw. It’s not my thing and I think there is a worry for vulnerable people but mostly it’s done with good heart and they take a no okay. Mostly.

But she’s said it’s not that now!

What an odd requirement. Fucking controlling if you ask me.

What normal person wants to sit with people at a table who don’t want to be there?

You didn’t earn that caravan park, you inherited it. You’re just lucky so stop being so entitled. Either share in good faith and spirit or don’t. Forcing young people to spend time with you is more than a little sad, it’s fucking weird.

Why does she need to "explain" her rationale? It's pretty obvious.

As she explained, it's a family tradition that goes back to when she and her husband were just starting out. She's is carrying on the family ethos and tradition, which is allowing young people to live free of charge in exchange for their participation in life with the extended family.

Some people consider both sides of this bargain to be worthy goals.

It is so bloody weird! I’ve never come across anything like it. I suspect if this is OP’s mindset there is good reason why someone might not want to have dinner with her every week.

For many people it would feel torturous to habe to spend every Sunday evening with their aunt and her mates. And to do so as your aunt is using the fact she’s let you live in her caravan as leverage and threatening you to make you.

struggling to see how anyone thinks it’s lovely, maybe the word lovely means something different to me. Because it ain’t this.

Plus surely that only holds water for a few weeks. How well does OP want to get to know someone that they have to be there every week for months on end

I am vastly amused by all the replies that boil down to, "I cannot comprehend the idea of payment in kind".

Exactly my thoughts. You can stay and benefit from our money but I must have an element of controlling your life in return

It’s weird and controlling. Not everyone is going to be comfortable going to such a big meal every single week with people they don’t know. Once a month would be much more reasonable.

I'd offer the deal as free accomodation with the obligation to meet for Sunday lunch OR accommodation is £X per week with no Sunday lunch obligation. That would clear up any bad feeling.

So why not just SAY that is the rationale? It really isn't hard. Examples:

a) I think it's extremely important that all family members get together regularly to connect and communicate with one another, and Sunday evening meals are my time to do that. If people don't attend, they are showing they don't care about something that I have stated is important to me.

b) As a Christian, I feel that Sunday is a special day and that all family members must respect that. They know the score and why it's important to me, so flouting that flouts the respect and understanding between us.

I'm sure there are numerous other ways o providing a clear explanation and rationale. Not "I know people think it's weird but I don't care, and am I unreasonable to think that i someone doesn't do what I say I should remove the roof over their head? Oh, but let's talk about something totally irrelevant"

I wish I had a relative that would give my Uni sons such a great deal.

YANBU

You do realize that things like caravan parks require work and money to maintain. I am SO completely fed up with envious people portraying those with assets as "lucky." There's an old saying "I find that the hard I work the luckier I get" that some people should reflect upon.

The nephew can move out at any time if he doesn't like the terms that were plainly articulated to him before he accepted the deal.

Quite.

OP is frankly a bully. Getting her kicks by acting like the great provider (at long as you dance to her tune to feed her ego about what a wonderful person she is) this gets more unpleasant the more she goes into it.

Anyone else shuddering, I know I am. 😱

Enforcing family traditions under threat is nothing to celebrate or feel good about. It’s awful.

@Thelankyone but he knew that before he moved in. This arrangement has been going for years. He should move out, pay £6-8k for uni accommodation and have less money.

As he should, no one should be subjected to this sort of threat and bullying to spend time with his aunt and her mates every Sunday as some form of pretence of sweetness but us really about control.