To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

Nonsense. It's neither weird nor creepy to expect people to live up to their end of a freely entered-into bargain.

The OP wants to foster a community. There's nothing creepy about that. Communal living comes with advantages, such as shared resources and pooled expenses. And it also comes with obligations and responsibilities, such as showing up for a meal, or perhaps in other cases mowing the garden or contributing via chores.

The nephew is free to move along if he decides he doesn't like the terms of his accommodations.

Yanbu.

If he doesnt want to be cordial with his own family hecan move out and pay market rent someplace else.

What's weird is your refusal to explain your rationale. It comes across as very gaslighting. Many of us are able to spot the signs. What's so difficult for you about explaining why this is so important to you?

Well I think it's weird but it's also reasonable; her caravan, her rules.
Coming together is a way to show gratitude for the free accommodation.

OP - rules tend to be things you can’t do rather than things you have to do and they’re seldom this precise! They’re usually to prevent damage / noise etc. I don’t know how to explain to you how weird it is to want someone sat at your table miserable and not wanting to be there. I’m so sorry but if you can’t see from all these responses that you have been acting very strangely for a very long time then there’s no hope. The people you have had do this probably thought it was really weird but knew it was worth it so kept their mouth shut but it’s about time you knew it’s creepy and weird.

Bloody hell, my daughter's uni accommodation costs me £900 a month. I'd be delighted with this set up!

Ah I'd probably stopped reading by that point, thanks. I still stand by my opinion that it's not nice, it's weird , whatever her motivations.

By the nephew - yes it is!

Spoilt brat really

Most bargains have a clear reason... they're not just irrational "because I say so and demand it."

You can be cordial and not go to an enforced Sunday dinner every week.

My autistic son absolutely hates social eating. The noises and smells make him really uncomfortable. I mean it’s unlikely that’s the issue here but it’s worth noting that a Sunday dinner isn’t a treat for everyone. (FWIW it’s not a treat for me either as I don’t eat meat and find roast dinners bland as f*ck)

To think that people actually think sharing a meal is the same as raping someone frankly blows my mind.

Nice try but you know full well no-one said that.

Giving free accommodation and insisting on sex in return, is buying company from the desperate.

Giving free accommodation and insisting on them eating a meal with you, is buying company from the desperate.

And a simple 'no' from the tenant in both cases will get them kicked out or made to pay more than they can clearly afford.

But you know this anyway, so I'm not sure why you pretended not to?

honestly that’s even creepier. That you think that.

Do you serve the same food every week? I don’t particularly like roast dinners as I don’t eat much meat, don’t like gravy and am teetotal. Are you unpleasant about people not eating certain foods and drink?

I get it. Providing something to relatives/close friends for free could well end up with you feeling a bit used. Having an anchor point in the week when they contribute something and spend some time maintaining a connection alleviates that a bit; especially if it's the continuation of a family tradition. Have a grown up conversation about why DN isn't attending dinner, and explain why it's important to you - if not, the absolutely charge market rates for the caravan.

My 22yo would really struggle with this arrangement too, but we all know that, and he wouldn't have accepted the offer or we'd have tried to negotiate different terms with benefactor relative.

It's not her caravan.

They belong to her husband's family.

Which makes it even weirder (if it were possible to actually get weirder).

I’m genuinely interested why it’s such a big deal to you. I can’t imagine having a table full of people for dinner who I have bribed to be there. Must be such a strange atmosphere

Even if they don’t want to? I would be embarrassed to enforce such a rule. I’d let them know they were always welcome, I would not be hanging it over their heads as a threat.

So you’d do that.

god the way some people treat others. I’d have an open invite, if I did a family member a favour I’d not demand something of them in return and threaten them.

this lad needs to move out. The parents need to insist on it and go nc with the op. Using her caravan as a way to demand company.

It's a bit odd but I kind of get it OP. You want to let someone who you have a relationship with use the caravan or whatever.

Classics normally have something of a consensus though.

It’s not really a choice and you know it. Not in this day and age with the cost of living. Young people will feel trapped into accepting something like this as a means to try and control the level of debt and savings they accrue. Don’t dress it up as if this option and the option to pay extortionate rents/living expenses are the same. They are not and you are playing on that to enforce weird rules and threats to evict if they don’t.

This is strange and I can't fathom why it would be so important to you. Personally as an adult I would rather pay rent than have my Sundays pre planned for me by someone else. If someone is working all week they might want to eat out or see friends etc. I also don't know why you would want to cook and eat dinner with someone who doesn't want to be there.

However, they all know what they are getting into when they agree to it so in that sense yanbu

I haven't replied to why it matters, I've been told I'm the same as a rapist landlord, serial killer and praying on the vulnerable. To think that people actually think sharing a meal is the same as raping someone frankly blows my mind. I doubt any reason would be good enough for people that think this.

Yes there have been some amazing over-reactions on this thread.

I get it OP. These aren't random people you are hosting, it's family members. Clearly you (and/or your DH and his parents) think that family should stick together and help each other out, and a big family meal once a week is a good way of getting to know each other. I think it's a nice idea.