Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

She might. I am surprised at the awful attitudes shown on this thread. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that someone might choose to do the right thing, particularly toward the end of their life, whether they discuss it with you, or not.

Regardless of all the other stuff - there is no way in hell I would let my 5 year old go as one of 9 children without a parent present. There are too many people - most rides would not take 9 people there is going to be some waiting and possibly waiting without an adult present.

in Disneyland or Disney works we got into a round boat for a gentle water ride. My daughter then 9 was near the exit, the attendant said to her is she sure she wants to go in the ride - my daughter says says no so without checking with us - the attendant whips her out and directs her on a path which is a 10 min walk to wait outside the building with thousands of people milling around. I immediately jump out of the boat (onto the path) to go find her and it took me 15’mins of looking to find her she was just wandered jh aimlessly unsure what to do.

This is the difficulty, once you're in this position there's no course of action that doesn't risk one of your DC being resentful.

That's really awful that your DH does not understand how hurtful it is for your older dd to be left out. And so sad he couldn't see the error of his ways in separating your two girls when you thought they were staying with your Mum. Dreadful behaviour and he's in danger of emotionally damaging your daughter for life with this behaviour. You really mustn't accept this from him.

In your situation, I would either allow the 5yr old to go but only if I could then take the 9yr old away somewhere at the same time. Or no-one goes anywhere. No point worrying about your SD as nothing to be done there and good luck with the future. Your DH is your biggest problem here and this is only the start of years of issues you have ahead of you.

If she’s intelligent and kind she’ll understand why that was unfair to her sister.

If she’s thick and self-centered she’ll just have to get over it.

Well have to disagree that missing Disneyland is any kind of loss.

Really mean of your MIL. There's no escaping that.

But you've got an SD here who doesn't seem keen on you, your kid, your wider family, yet your prince of a DH decided to marry you and have more kids anyway. No surprise things are becoming more tricky as she gets older. Whyyyyyy do people keep doing this to themselves and their children?! Ugh.

It’s not so much about missing Disneyland it’s about being denied spending time with her family because her half sister isn’t invited.

She has to miss out on events and memories because her sister has a different family. Events and memories she could have if her mother didn’t stop her going. It’s not the shared child’s fault her half sibling has a deadbeat family she shouldn’t be punished for it.

Disney is just shining a big old light on the future.

and before we get it’s not the oldest child fault either. No it’s not. But her mother decided to have more children with an involved family.

You cannot and shouldn’t expect others to stump up Disney money, house money, car money and whatever else for your existing child.

You can apply that vice versa.

If she’s intelligent and kind she’ll understand why it would be unfair for her sister to miss out on spending time with her other sibling and paternal family.

If she’s thick and self-centered she’ll just have to get over it.

Oh do stop going on. She can spend other time with that side of her family,

If she misses out on events it’s because her MIL is twit. Unless DH gives MIL a talking to of course and this exclusion stops.

Anyway, I’m not discussing this further.

@GeorgeClarkefan 5 years old?? And no doubt the adults will be allowing the older cousins & half sibling to go off in the park with your 5 year old alone… no way would my 5 year old be going anywhere abroad without me, certainly not a busy theme park.
I would just tell husband that you’re not happy for her to go - she’s too young at the moment… end of…what he and his ex allow their daughter to do is up ti them, but your daughter requires you both to say yes..
In the meantime I think DH should have the conversation with his mum about your daughter being part of the family!
I can’t imagine having 2 children by different dads and inlaws leaving my daughter out of family events… such a shitty thing to do…. I’d probably tell my husband I wanted nothing to do with anyone in his family who felt leaving my DD out was anything less than cruel!

I dare add if she’s grabby and greedy. But maybe I take it a step too far.

But I do find it grabby and greedy to expects others to pay for such when it’s big things like this.

This. Plus it’s always mentioned that the eldest’s father is not in the picture, as if that has any bearing on the in-laws. There is no more expectation on them to step in, because their DIL had a child with a deadbeat who isn’t interested.

The expectation should be on the deadbeat.

OPs problem is that neither child will in fact have to get over anything. Ongoing resentment is very much one of their options.

And ops dd can suck it up and ask her dad’s family to take her to trips. But oh wait… they get off being deadbeats while we name call a caring involved grandparent. 🥱

Yes this is what I’m picking up from comments?

That step daughter (14) is invited to things but doesn’t have to come and when she does, doesn’t like sharing with OPs daughter (9) and that DHs family when they have SD like to invite only their “full” granddaughter that DH has with OP and not OPs own daughter?

I think instilling from the get go (by DH) that all girls came as a unit, or at least your two bio daughters do, his family don’t see your daughter as “their” grandchild…. Very odd and hurtful of them….

No caring person takes all her children’s children on holiday and ignores one child that her son has chosen to take on as his own.

As a child it’s more upsetting to be excluded singly than to have a policy applied to two siblings equally.

In any case, if my grandmother had ever invited me repeatedly to things and excluded my sister, my loyalty would have been to my sister.

Do we actually know that the ops daughter is the only step involved? There may be other step members not invited.

Who says he’s taken the child on as his own? He’s just married to the child’s mother and the child came with. It doesn’t neccesarily follow he’s taken the child as his own. Clearly, he hasn’t, based on what OP has posted, tbh.

It sounds very much like OP’s DD is the ONLY child over the age of 5 not invited!

…his family don’t see your daughter as “their” grandchild…. Very odd and hurtful of them….

she is not DMIL grandchild regardless of how much anyone thinks she should be. You cannot expect to force a relationship on anyone and for them to accept it. As previous, we have no idea as to what sort of relationship there is with DD1 and DMIL. It may be something which develops, but it may not. It is really not unusual for DGP not to take on their DC’s new partner or spouses DC as their DGC. There is generally no malice and in a lot of cases the DC already have their own DGPs.

I wouldn't let my 5 year go to Disney without me regardless, so an easy solution.

I just couldn’t do this to my child, I wouldn’t remain in a relationship where one of my children was growing up as the poor relation.

of course the practicality can be explained to her, but that doesn’t change how she will grow up feeling. She deserves better, I’d leave the relationship, then at least your children in your home could be treated equally by you.

That’s very convenient, although I’m not sure how you measure that one. There’s been plenty of threads on here about relationships being fractured because of an ‘all or nothing’ policy, with the younger sibling/s resenting their parent and older half sibling/s.

The feelings of children matter…unless said feelings aren’t what you think they should be, then it’s fuck their feelings.