Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

If they separate her oldest still is the poor relation.

She then has one daughter with no family but her.

One daughter who has a loving dad and involved extended family. Going on fun trips having those extended family events.

It’s DD1s father and his family that is the issue. But they are getting off Scot free.

Why on earth do women keep doing this to themselves and their children?

Well if I was op I wouldn’t remain in a marriage where my daughter was treated with such contempt

She entered the marriage and had another child with someone when she knew full well that neither he nor his family considered her daughter to be theirs.

Nor sure why you keep going on - you’re not going to change my mind.

It’s because children’s feelings are important thaf I wouldn’t allow someone with poor judgment to discriminate between 2 sisters. But I wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t understand that.

I agree mil is horrible, I don’t belive mil is sorry that your dd found out by her cousin. It’s clear the intention was to put you and your DH in a difficult position so you couldn’t say no.

Your DH needs to give his head a wobble, he should be talking to his mother and sister telling them they have not gone about this right and have created an impossible situation and none of his children will be going away with his family. Had they spoken to him and you first you could have made a decision as the girls parents. Now because of how this has been handled no one will be going away.

as for the children I would be telling them that their grandmother and aunt made this decision without consulting you as parents and you have decided as parents noone gets to decide who goes away and who dosnt except the parents, there no one is going away. You can start saving as a family for a holiday together.

As for mil and sil your DH needs to put them in their place, they do not get to cause division in your family. They ask permission of you both as parents going forward ir they don’t see the children. If he can’t you have a big problem.

i get your dd is not blood related but she is a part of the family, they don’t have to include her in everything but she dose need consideration.

There’s something we can agree on.

The marriage shouldn’t have happened.

By all means feel free to not engage. You’re not required to, after all.

Yes, children's feelings matter*

*Until children have feelings that aren’t what you think they should be, then they’re thick and need to get the fuck over it.

So you put your child in this situation i dont see how anyone else is to blame i dont really know what you expect from these people they not doing what you want you created this

Life is not press this button and everything works perfectly as you decide

The idea of a perfectly blended family seems to rarely work out.

A lot of choices got you here. Choice of your older daughter’s father. A choice of your second husband, who doesn’t see himself as a father to your older daughter.

it will never change. Your older daughter will never be seen by any of them as a daughter or a granddaughter.

Leaving you with another choice.

I wouldn’t want to take my DIL’s other kids away anywhere without her there. Absolutely not. I’d find it weird and uncomfortable and I imagine they feel the same

Why is OP insisting that this is MIL's / her DH's family doing?

The situation for her DD1 would have been the same had they never existed/ happened.

She wouldn't have been taken by a grandparent to Disney. She would have only had OP's DM as grandmother.

So that would have been exactly the same, the MIL and the rest of that family are not changing anything.

If my mum or MIL told my child she was taking them out of the country without getting permission from me first I would be livid... that's before even thinking about your poor elder daughter.

Why the hell does the think she has the authority to decide a very young child is going on holiday without her parents?

I think her relationship with her sister is far more important than with her grandmother so wouldn't let her go anyway (not to mention how your poor older daughter would feel), but talking to her without running it by you first would nail down my decision.

In your shoes I would honestly limit how much time she spends with your MIL. She obviously doesn't respect you as a family, both in terms of your older daughter's feelings and your place as your youngest's mum.

Husband really wants youngest to go, he wants both his daughters to go and spend time together.

I feel I have a losing battle on my hands and youngest will resent me.

Husband says eldest knows she is not his mother’s granddaughter and will enjoy 1:1 time.

I don’t feel I could ever have predicted something like this.

I wouldn't let the 5 year old go. The adult to child ratio is not sufficient, particularly with a range of ages in the group. The 5 year old will be too small to go on most of the good rides that the older kids will want to go on, so the group is immediately split. Then if one child needs the loo when queuing they all have to leave the queue, or the kids are left alone. It doesn't work.

At least she’s honest about how she feels I guess.
When my son was growing up my dads second wife dotted on him, he called her nanny and she called him her grandson, when she divorced my dad she stopped all contact and my son (teen at this point) was devastated. For this reason I’m not a fan of step family treating kids like they love them when it’s bullshit. Would you really want your daughter going knowing she’s not wanted.
Tell her the truth, there not your family and I’m so sorry you haven’t got that, but me and you can do something lovely ourselves, this isn’t a reflection on you.

It doesn’t take Nostradamus to figure out that issues likely would arise as a result of only one of your children having an active and present paternal family. You knew your husband and his mother did and do not consider your daughter to be theirs. You knew his daughter wasn’t and isn’t interested in having a relationship with your family, or in treating your daughter as her sister.

It gets used a lot, but in this case ‘you knew what you signed up for’ truly does apply.

So your husband doesn’t look on your older daughter as part of his family?

But to be fair, it doesn’t sound like you consider his older daughter as part of your family?

are you expecting more from him, than you are willing to do for the teenage girl?

If you each were to draw your family what would the two pictures look like?

And how does your older daughter feel
about her place in your husband’s life?

Surely you saw how his daughter felt about your blended family and that was a huge hint to how things would go.

Also one active dad and one gone was again always going to be huge even if his parents had of stepped up.

I genuinely care for my stepdaughter, obviously not as much as my own daughters but in all practical considerations I would treat them the same.

My husband would not however, fight to establish equality between his eldest and mine with his family and in any case they would think he had lost his head.

My husband would never tell his daughter she couldn’t go with her grandmother and cousins on a trip because my daughter wasn’t invited besides her mother has her passport. It simply wouldn’t be tolerated even if he was inclined.

It’s not her grandchild. Why would she take her? If you and your husband split she would likely never see your eldest again.

I took my niece and nephew to Disney. They have an older sibling I’m not related to. I didn’t take them because I’m not related and I barely know them. Your oldest will have to have a horrible life lesson that life isn’t always fair sadly. Try and do some nice things with her while she’s gone. But it’s the downside of blended families.

People are getting caught up on the nine children part, but actually there’s 3 14+ girls, who will presumably either help out with the younger ones or go off together. Six kids between two capable adults is totally doable.

OP it’s unfortunate for your 9yo but crowbarring her in where she’s not welcome isn’t going to work. This situation will be replicated down the line with inheritances, first cars, house deposits, etc. It’s better that she understands this whilst she’s young and is at peace with it than being resentful. It’s her own dad she should be pissed off at, not her stepdad’s family.

Well I don’t think it’s what wallpaper she should buy, is it?

I can also see your husband’s perspective in wanting his girls to spend time together. Your youngest’s relationship with each of her half-sisters is equally important.