Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

OP my MIL includes my bil step kids as 100% part of the family. She would never leave them out ever. There’s no way you should allow this to happen, either both go or no one goes. Make a stand now for the future.

I can’t imagine step daughter will have any interest in spending time with little sister at Disney. She is more likely to think she is a pest to be avoided. Maybe get step daughter on board with voting for little sister not to go.

At 5 no way would I have allowed anybody take my DC away without me or my husband.

And 2 women with all those kids to mind at Disney, that is mad!!

I can’t imagine step daughter will have any interest in spending time with little sister at Disney. She is more likely to think she is a pest to be avoided. Maybe get step daughter on board with voting for little sister not to go.

This is vile.

I feel it was wrong that this trip was even mentioned to your 5 year old before it was discussed with you and your DH.
I wouldn’t have allowed my 5 year old to travel out of the country without me, especially to somewhere as busy as Disneyland…
Your husbands opinion that she should go does not and should not veto yours.
in reality all the teenagers will be hanging out together in separate parts of the park to their grandmother and I’d imagine it might be a challenge for grandma and the other lady keeping the younger ones entertained.
Please buy your daughter a wrist band with your or grandmothers number on encase they are separated… this would literally terrify me!
Im concerned that the family feel it’s acceptable to leave the step child out, I wouldn’t necessarily love a step child the same as my own, but I could not take several children away and leave one child out of the plans…. It feels a bit like when kids invite everyone to their birthday party except one child in their class… and the other grandchildren ‘crying because your daughter ruined it because she isn’t even a grandchild’ is extremely bratty and if I was that child’s mother I’d have told her she was being bratty and not kind at all! But I can’t help but feel that the child had heard this from parents on other occasions!
I remember hanging out with my DD’s friend and her mother and her talking about her cousins and the mother correcting her and saying ‘WELL they’re not REALLY your cousins ….. because they’re adopted!’…. I feel so sad for children that are treated crappy by grown ass adults who frankly should know better!
Id be telling DH I no longer want my lovely daughter to be around such arse holes and to count both her and myself out of anything with his family…. Because they clearly don’t respect you as their daughter in law/sister in law etc if they don’t treat your DD kindly! I couldn’t be around them - any of them!

And she might not be their family by DNA BUT she does share 50% DNA with their actual grandchild….. and teaching your young daughter that her big sister is less than worthy of their care and kindness js a really teary thing to do!

Twatty not teary

Not a chance.

Your family unity is more important than a random holiday.

There is no way anyone would take my young children anyway, regardless. Disney is incredibly busy and your child is so young.

Dh needs to say no to his mother and explain that all the children will be treated the same on his watch, and thank her for the invitation.

People are never obliged to parent or grandparent your children.

As the child is too young to travel without you, you just say no. This will of course continue to come up in the future, so I guess you should make sure your children know what to expect.

Or op can just say no, and tell mil to stop asking..

Sure, she can continue to refuse to allow her child to go on holidays with her grandparents, forever.

Didn't suggest otherwise.

And it will, of course, keep coming up. And of course the children will get wind of it. So she should get ready for that conversation.

I wouldn't let her the youngest. She can get stuffed.

Her husband wants his child to go along with her other half sister.

He family aren’t doing anything he disagrees with.

They have to both be in agreement, and op doesn’t agree so the child doesn’t go. We never allowed anyone to take our dc out of the country. This is a parent’s choice, not mil’s choice. She will be told no.

in op’s place I would be taking time to discuss this issue with dh, and ensure we are on the same page. We would agree to save up and take both dc together as a family.

And I agreed this is a dh problem, he should have his step daughter’s back and not put everyone in a difficult position.

Yep. It's just going to keep being asked. I would definitely NOT allow a 5 year old to travel without me regardless of DH wishes, would simply veto that, and would happily fight for that not to happen.

But the question will keep being asked, so OP has to figure out how to tell her kids about it.

I feel sorry for the kids. OP knew what to expect, it seems.

He’s got a wife problem. The only person making it difficult here is OP. She knew what the situation was when she married him and yet did so anyway. They’re in no way obliged to pander to her now (and nor will they, obviously).

Her DH did too, he chose to include DC1 as his own, a tiny 3 year old, his family should respect his choice.

Your hard 🙄

No, he didn’t. OP has already said that he doesn’t consider her to be his daughter, and nor does her daughter consider him to be her father.

Don't be silly, you don't get to tell other people they are now grandparents to a random child 😂We can wish all we want for other people to love and parent our children, but respecting his choice has nothing to do with forcing them to grandparent children that they are not even related to.

I believe he also made it clear to OP he is not taking on the job of father to her child.

Its pretty typical of blended families to have these huge issues tbh. I do feel sorry for the children.

Are you the bloody twatty mother in law!! You seem to think they can do as they like 😂 news flash - it’s not their child, and not their decision to make. Op calls the shots here, and certainly does not have to agree to this at all.

Just be crystal clear with dh op, and he can tell his mother to stop asking. Simple.

Unless she can respect your decisions and boundaries - then she won’t see the children.

It is the OPs husband's child who has been invited on the holiday. I would not allow any child of mine aged 5 to go away without me - no question. But he definitely does have input and this will continue to come up as he is the father and MIL is his mother and he seems agreeable about his child going away on holiday with his mother.

Even if OP and her husband split up then he will have some custody of his child and his mother will almost certainly be involved in the 5 year old's life.

It's very MN step family bingo to have a series of posters coming on making assertions about familial relationships that clearly don't apply to the scenario being talked about. Happens every thread.

DH has taken her on and treats her as his own, no he doesnt. DGM is just like a blood grandmother, no she isn't. There seems to be something about blended families where people think if something is the norm in theirs, it must be a universal standard.

What an odd take. Most husbands respect their wife’s wishes!

In our house we discuss everything, we agree a way forward. Op needs to make it known she will never support her child going overseas with their gp, which is entirely reasonable, as many/most parents would feel the same. The current problem is gone. Her dh isn’t going to force her to agree is he.

Later on, the issue might arise when the child is much older, op can prepare for this eventuality be saving quietly now, and she can do something wonderful with her eldest. This really isn’t a huge problem.

But wives are not expected to respect their husbands wishes?