Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

Lol, ‘simple’.

Her husband is equally the parent of the youngest daughter. OP isn’t the sole shot caller that can prevent their daughter having a relationship with her own paternal family, and her husband has demonstrated that he’s quite prepared to stand up to her.

As it is, OP has agreed to it, or at least resigned herself to it. As upset as she may be about it, she clearly isn’t so upset that she’s going to do anything about it that seriously threatens her marriage (as she wasn’t so upset about it that she decided against getting married in the first place).

I am the poster girl for this type of thread. A few years ago my younger son was at football. Husband’s nephew appeared and told younger son that he was being screwed over and I was stopping him seeing his family and going to Ireland with them because I was pretending my elder son was their family too.

This was absolutely untrue, on occasion when younger was invited somewhere it didn’t work logistically for us so he couldn’t go.

I admit being devastated when my in-laws didn’t include him but ultimately can’t understand the logic of posters suggesting you tell your MiL she can’t see your younger child. This would bite you on the arse ultimately . Utterly immoral and downright cruel to your younger daughter.

What your MiL has done is thoughtless at best and vile at worst.

You could stop the younger child going IF AND ONLY IF you have concerns about safety. You can’t stop them going with their elder half-sister because Granny didn’t invite the half-sister that isn’t related to Granny.

You can’t say to your younger daughter that she couldn’t have a relationship with her family (therefore limiting interactions and shared memories with elder half-sister) because other half-sister doesn’t have a relationship with hers.

I admit that there was twice the age gap between my boys and elder had a relationship with his dad but I just think you have to just apply logic with elder girl and say that Step- Dad’s family isn’t hers. Focus on the relationship between her and your mum.

She would agree if her other daughter was invited though. OP has already stated that she has no concerns about safety and probably knows more about her mils capability and the family dynamic of the older ones looking after the younger ones better than anyone on here.

You are telling her to use a lie to solve this problem but it won’t, it will just cause a different problem and upset a different child. It would be really sad for the DHs older daughter if she wasn’t allowed this time with her family, including her sister.

My husband has now spoken directly to his mother saying the effect of this proposed trip has had on our nuclear family.

She seemed genuinely upset that this was the case but did not see how it could have be avoided.

His cousin is now going as well with her two year old, given this he asked her outright if she would include the eldest.

She did not say no but she would not include her unless her presence was okayed by my stepdaughter and other grandchildren.

She expressed sadness that she was often deprived of seeing her grandchildren and treating them like her sister is able to do because of the presence of my eldest.

She asked him if he thought she had ever left out eldest when she was in the house and he said that she hadn’t. She also remembered when we had gone to join her her nephew had gone out to get the same stuff that my younger and second cousins had already got as if this was wonderful, not thinking why she hadn’t been thought of before.

I would say she ignores her birthday and doesn’t receive a Christmas present as good as her sister’s but DH wouldn’t think of this.

She said that my stepdaughter constantly moans about my eldest, we have gone out of our way for my husband to see her on her own even leaving the house so they can watch films together. Mil thinks stepdaughter should see youngest without my eldest, this only happens by chance and apparently is important to stepdaughter. I concede on this one but leaves a horrible taste in my mouth.

Anyway I have asked them to leave it, I am not having children being given an opinion on including my daughter as if she is a second class charity case.

My eldest has cried to me three times and says it’s so unfair.

I am not going round there again I don’t need them and I don’t think any of them will miss me and my daughter anyway.

Husband has just had enough saying he has to think about his daughter and can’t stop younger one going.

You are doing the right thing op, I’d want know part in it either and would stay well away.
Hopefully it smacks them all in the face when your youngest grows up and realises spiteful they are for not acknowledging her sister!!
I’ve been where you are with my son so I get how heartbreaking it is.

@GeorgeClarkefan it looks like the issue is between your stepdaughter and your eldest - which is always going to be tricky to manage and I suspect is the crux of it all

how has this been managed because it seems as if there is little from you to grasp this and handle it delicately which is why we are here

Yeah it looks that way doesn't it. Were you aware DSD complains a lot about your eldest OP? Tbh I think there was always a big risk of jealousy when a child sees someone else living full time with their parent when they don't get the chance themselves.

I still think your DH is being a tit wanting to send the 5 year old abroad without either of you.

I find it mad how much people obsess about "blood" on these threads as if they're the last of the Hapsburgs rather than mid-level finance managers living in a semi in Guildford.

Trust me even if stepdaughter didn’t exist my in-laws wouldn’t be interested in my eldest!

I didn’t know but I am not surprised that SD moans about eldest.

MiL is right she is nice to everyone under her roof including my eldest but I’ll always know what she thinks, she is only interested in her grandchildren.

I am glad this has happened so we know where we stand.

Happy to never see any of them again!

Hopefully it smacks them all in the face when your youngest grows up and realises spiteful they are for not acknowledging her sister!!

Or she might resent her sister if she has been forced to miss out.

My eldest has cried to me three times and says it’s so unfair.

Well yes it is unfair that that she has no paternal family & her mum's husband & family won't pick up the slack.

Sadly it seems that it was known that this would happen.

This.

I am so sorry OP. Just horrible behaviour towards a child. 💐

I'm a step parent and thankfully my DM always thought of my step child as her grandchild and loved her as such. My father didn't though - his attitude to her was a disgrace and (combined with a lot of other reasons) we are now NC with him.

So sad people behave like this.

It's so confusing for your DD. I don't think it's something you get over as the SC. I was brought up to call stepDGM "Grandma" and was also treated kindly at her house. I loved her as a grandmother (which I'd never had on either side). The difference in treatment to my half sisters when they came along was massive but as an adult I thought I'd come to terms with it. Then at my cousin's wedding she proudly announced to everyone how happy she was to see the first of her grandchildren married. I'd got married the year before, she'd been there. I was heartbroken to realise how 25 years of being in my life didn't count for her. I don't think you can protect your daughter from this unfortunately, it's just one of those hard life lessons.

I would never send my child abroad without me under the care of someone who didn't want her there. How do you think she'd be treated?

Neither of my children would be going regardless of what my spineless DH had to say.
You say the youngest will resent the oldest...perhaps if you explained that it was Granny who was being mean she might see things differently.
I'm not sure your daughter will forgive your DH for not standing up for her and showing her that she is not part of your family.

Why are you allowing your youngest to go? You can say no.

I'm not sure your daughter will forgive your DH for not standing up for her and showing her that she is not part of your family.

She's not considered part of the family by him though.

So he should force his mum to take her?

Not allow the 5yr old to go?

But what have YOU done to do the integration there - presumably this has been an issue for awhile and it seems as if nothing has been done to solve this (understandable issue)

because you are (somewhat rightly) focused on your eldest and the integration of her but how about your stepdaughter

This is so sad. My dad’s wife did something similar to my son, she was my birthing partner and he spent the first 11 years of his life calling her nanny (she encouraged this!!) When she split with my dad she said at first, this changes nothing he will always be my grandson and then told him to stand aside from a photo because it was family only, along with other shitty behaviour and just to top it off it was Christmas Day.
I quietly told her I thought she was a fucking monster and to never come near me again, and then apologised to my son that I’d got it so wrong, I thought she really loved him.
I’m glad now though that I saw it before any bio grandchildren were rubbed in his face.
What do your mum/dad think of the wedding speech you had to sit through?
I got remarried when my son was 15 and I won’t do the step family are family thing now just incase.

My DF probably didn't even notice, and if he did, he certainly wouldn't have addressed the issue. Experience had already taught me that he would shrug his shoulders and say he can't do anything about it. He has never advocated for me or put me first when it comes to DSM. He's not been a good Dad. If he'd had even once grown a backbone and stuck up for me like you did for your DS, I think we'd have a much closer relationship. You sound like an amazing Mum.

This is about the third thread about this topic I’ve seen in a month or so. Your MIL is horrible, obviously, and I’d decline the trip on behalf of the invited children as a result.

@FrikadelleYour response has only half posted. My dad is also completely spineless and has said before I shouldn’t have “let it go” and I shouldn’t have “caused a scene”
I think he should have caused abit more of a scene considering I had to sit his grandson down and explain that his nan had been lying to him for 11 years.
It was actually heartbreaking to watch and it’s apart of my son’s childhood (he is in his twenties now) that I’m deeply ashamed over. How people treat children this way is beyond me.

But I do think a huge part of this is the missing piece with the OP and her own Sd because I think that is a key driver here in what this is all about and why the eldest isn’t included.

Because of course the ideal is they all get on the OP SD accepts her eldest as a sibling etc but that takes work and I suspect it wasn’t done either and that the OP has always prioritised her DD and therefore the MIL has (over)corrected towards her grandaughter

and now due to ALL the adults failures in cresting the right blend from the start this is the mess we end up with

Agreed. Even if DMIL were to completely change her attitude, emigrate or fall under a bus tomorrow, this would still be an ongoing issue.

And realistically it's the bigger problem. DH has a child who doesn't get to live with him FT, while he's made choices that allow another child to do so. It's a recipe for resentment, forced on a child who had no agency in the matter. DSD has every right to feel as she does, it was a realistic possible consequence of the decisions the adults around her have made and it could potentially impact on relationships for decades.

I think practicalities ought to settle the issue on this occasion, in that the 5 year old is too young. But she won't be 5 forever.

I don't know, ur child is no relation to your mil... I know if I was her, id take ur child, but I can see why she might not want to.... Difficult