I really do not like DH new look after having cosmetic surgery!

[cinnamontroll]

I’ve been married to DH for 22 yrs. We have a pretty good marriage overall I think.
3 years ago he lost a significant amount of weight (215lbs) and he looks absolutely fantastic and is in great health now. He has been approved for skin removal surgery on the NHS but they are only doing chest and arms (which is fair I think) as it’s not considered cosmetic.
He wanted to also have an upper and lower blepharoplasty on his eyes. He said it bothered him and made him look older than he was. I said I understand and wanted him to feel better about himself as he’s worked tremendously hard living a ketogenic lifestyle and I’m proud of him for this.

Last month he went abroad to have the procedure done and now it’s about 4 weeks later I have to say I hate the way it’s changed his whole eye look! He looks like he’s always staring so intensely now and it stresses me out as they just are not the same eyes I’ve loved since we were 20yrs old. The surgery itself was done perfectly and the lower blepharoplasty does look good as he has no bags under eyes anymore but the eyelid just so startling to me now. I don’t say much about it as I know he’s happy with the results but it’s so hard to get used to him looking different!
I honestly do not know whether to ever say I don’t like it or not?

To give you an idea, Bradley Cooper has recently had this done to his eyes and he gives the same kind of wide eyed look now too. Many people are commenting on this I’ve seen online and fear people may be also thinking this about him or talking behind his back about it.

AIBU to raise my thoughts about it or should I keep my thoughts about his new look to myself?

@cinnamontroll this is a very valid point!! Can you imagine if your DH discovered how you really feel about his surgery by seeing it in the DM?! Not knocking you for seeking support & posting - just unfortunately as @Dery says, the DM use it for stories.

Once he puts a bit of weight back on, he should look better.

I understand its difficult for you but it cannot be undone. No point in being neggy openly as it will impact his self confidence which is new and fragile. At most say it will take you a little while to get used to it - and it probably will take a while. But you will get use to it. Meanwhile he will continue to age and probably the folds and bags will return. No one stays looking their same throughout their lives. Thats nature regardless of surgical interventions.

I have a friend who had the eyes done along with a full face lift and i was the same….i thought she looked weird and hated it. However i think its your brain just adjusting to the change, after about a year (and it was as long as that), i forgot how she looked before and she looks amazing now (20 years later!!)

Just googled BC - yikes imagine those intense eyes staring across the breakfast table. Sorry OP but you’ll just have to get used to it. Buy him some nice shades for Christmas.

I had upper eyelid surgery in 2023 because it was affecting my vision, especially on the right eye so both were done so I would look even. I looked excessively wide eyed after and I didn’t like the look of it at first but after 6 months it looked much better and now 2 years later that wide eye look has gone and my eyes look normal, just without any sagging skin.

For the people commenting about being mentally ill to have it done? I just can’t agree, the fold of skin used to get sore, dry, swollen- it even split once in very cold weather. It was definitely a medical need even though I had to pay for it privately.

I’m sorry OP but this isn’t about you, it’s about what makes your DH happy. Why would you hurt him by saying anything?!?!

I sympathize, I would hate for my DH to change anything about his face but especially his eyes, those are what makes him, HIM. I look into those eyes every single day.

Agree with everyone else - YANBU but it'd be madness to say anything harsher than "You look amazing, very different though! I'm still getting used to it."

I keep seeing women on TV who've clearly had a bit too much taken out of their upper eyelids. They look kind of haunted, with big eyes in cavernous sockets. It will still settle a bit, though, OP, and ageing will continue.

No, some of my friends have had brilliant ones. Their eyes look exactly like they used to. They did spend a small fortune with London surgeons, though.

OP, please try not to worry - it’s still very early days after surgery, and your DH’s eyes will continue to settle over the next few weeks. I went through a disastrous upper blepharoplasty myself where too much skin was removed. I couldn’t fully close my eyes and the shape of them completely changed. But 18 months on, the skin has stretched, and my eyes both look and function much better. I’m sure your DH’s eyes will soften and improve over the coming weeks and months too.

I can see your struggle, my husband shaved his beard once and I didn't want to kiss him because he didn't look like my husband.

If you're behaving differently and feel like you need to share them maybe you could say you're still getting used to it. I would avoid saying you don't like it, that's quite hurtful.

I do think you will get used to it though.

Well, there are three possibilities here:

1. your friends have indeed managed to find the holy grail of surgeons who can turn back the clock, as opposed to make people look the age they are, but with a slightly weird surgery-smoothness
2. Bradley Cooper and all the Hollywood stars use cheap surgeons (maybe they go to Turkey?)
3. Your social circle is so accustomed to having surgery that you can't see that everyone looks a little bit off

You are sick. BY definition I would have to be incredibly mentally ill to want to become wheelchair bound, and I cannot think of much worse that making a mentally ill person disabled because you are too cowardly to say "no" to an insane idea.

It's not exactly the same, but it is not completely different either.

One is refusing to accept that your body is imperfect or aging.

One is refusing to accept that your body is not in a wheelchair.

Was OPs husband's choice informed? I don't think it was - he was not informed about what his partners reaction would be, because he could not possibly have been.

I had this done a few years ago. Although the swelling and bruising goes in a few weeks it takes around a year to see the fully finished look. You will find it does settle down. I started with a lot of lower eyelid on show and over the year it slowly settled. The startled look will fade.

I think it’s just a case of giving it time. It’ll probably settle and become less obvious, and you’ll also get used to it. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by saying something. To be honest I’d just be grateful it all went well - I’ve seen some nasty complications from that surgery!

I'm not anti cosmetic surgery in the least but I would NEVER have an upper bleph.

Lower bleph and endoscopic brow lift yes, but I’d never touch my upper lids.

I had to google Bradley Cooper. The photos are a good example of what you were trying to explain. It's not hard to pick which pic is more recent

You are not being any less ridiculous the more you go on.

Why would you accept that your body is imperfect if you can change it? Why should you resign yourself to age the worst way possible? Life is too short for that. It must be a depressing life if you don't try to have the best life you possibly can, financially, at work and physically by being and looking the best you can.

One is refusing to accept that your body is not in a wheelchair.
and how would a body in a wheelchair be an improvement in any way? Are you insane?

Just talk to his nose!

Why would you accept that your body is imperfect if you can change it?

Because all surgeries and other cosmetic procedures carry risks, because mentally well people don't mind aging and not being perfect, and because the (HORRIBLE) pressure on others to meet ridiculous beauty standands are increased the more people have stupid lips and turkey teeth.

Why should you resign yourself to age the worst way possible?

Looking older as you get older is natural. Please get mental health support.

My best life will get lived not wating time under the knife or recovering ort wasting money trying to look better and ending up looking stupid.

fear people may be also thinking this about him or talking behind his back about it.

The same way you are? People will probably talk whether it looks good, bad or different.

I adore my husband's sleepy sexy eyes and I'd be devastated if he altered them. I guess it's about knowing he's happier even if you're upset. If he'd lost a limb you'd probably feel the same. He's the same person underneath and you just have to come to terms with the difference.