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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t think I’m BU but what the fuck do I do now

140 replies

Letyy · 31/10/2025 19:45

Have a 7 month old with DP. Found out this week that he’s been snorting coke in the house while working from home. Initially he said it was a one off but turns out he does it when stressed. He works in banking and it is highly stressful but I’ve asked him to leave. I don’t know where to go from here. I have no other support as we moved from UK overseas for his work

OP posts:
Motnight · 31/10/2025 19:48

Can you move back to the UK, Op? Would you want to? You don't need to say where you are at the moment, but what are the laws around drugs?

It's an awful situation you have been put in.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/10/2025 19:53

Taking it at a party or social setting is one thing. Taking it at home during the working day is a problem. Quite a major problem I would say.

Original poster
Letyy · 31/10/2025 19:55

Motnight · 31/10/2025 19:48

Can you move back to the UK, Op? Would you want to? You don't need to say where you are at the moment, but what are the laws around drugs?

It's an awful situation you have been put in.

@Motnight I found out while back in the uk. I don’t even know the cost of the habit as I’ve never done drugs ever. I feel out of my depth. I think he would try and stop me moving home to uk

OP posts:
Ihavepaidalotforthisstory · 31/10/2025 19:55

Taking coke to get through a day of work at home is not normal. He obviously has a drug problem. How has it gone unnoticed I do not know!?!

Sassylovesbooks · 31/10/2025 19:55

Was your child born in the country you are currently living in? Can you legally come back to the UK with your child? Some countries (the Middle East especially) won't allow a child out of the country, without the Dad's permission. Is your residence in this county riding on your husband's job? In other words, if he were to be sacked, you'd have to come home? What if you separated, would that mean you'd have no right to live in this country? Yes, you've taken the correct course of action by asking him to leave. However, depending on the answers to the questions above, may determine what happens going forward.

Original poster
Letyy · 31/10/2025 19:56

Moveoverdarlin · 31/10/2025 19:53

Taking it at a party or social setting is one thing. Taking it at home during the working day is a problem. Quite a major problem I would say.

@Moveoverdarlin he is saying he’s not addicted and only does it when he’s stressed. I didn’t think it was too horrendous but confided in my friend and she’s been horrified and said it’s a step away from heroin etc and now I just feel so scared about the future

OP posts:
Original poster
Letyy · 31/10/2025 19:56

Ihavepaidalotforthisstory · 31/10/2025 19:55

Taking coke to get through a day of work at home is not normal. He obviously has a drug problem. How has it gone unnoticed I do not know!?!

@Ihavepaidalotforthisstory he works long hours, I don’t see him between 9am and 8pm. I’ve never seen any in the house

OP posts:
Sassylovesbooks · 31/10/2025 20:02

I agree with another poster, taking coke during the day, whilst working from home due to 'stress' is not normal. Unfortunately, it's highly likely he has a serious coke addiction. Of course he's going to tell you he's not an addict and only takes it when he's stressed. Addicts lie, and they will look you in the eye and tell a bare faced one too. He's not reached the point where he can admit to himself that he has a problem. Sadly, most have to hit rock bottom, before they will seek help.

MissAmbrosia · 31/10/2025 20:02

Which country are you in? You need legal advice before trying to leave the country with your dc because of the Hague Convention. Please just don't leave.

Munchyseeds2 · 31/10/2025 20:02

I would be getting back to the UK if I were you....make up some family reason?

TheCurious0range · 31/10/2025 20:04

Make up a family emergency, come back, once you are here tell him you're leaving him

THISbitchingwitch · 31/10/2025 20:04

This is not good op

Was your child born in the UK? Do you have family who can support you? Do you have access to money?

MissAmbrosia · 31/10/2025 20:06

Please please do not remove your child from the country without advice.

Marmaladegin · 31/10/2025 20:10

I don’t do high drama generally but honestly OP if I thought I would have difficulty leaving this relationship I’d confide in a family member, get them to visit me and stay in a nearby hotel secretly and gradually move my stuff into the hotel over the course of a week and then do a flit with my child back to uk. Without a backward glance

tupils · 31/10/2025 20:13

I understand it’s scary, and while it’s good to be aware of the worst case scenario, things might not have got there yet.

Does he acknowledge that this is a problem and that it needs to change?
Can he go to narcotics anonymous or equivalent help in your country?
Can you find out how long he’s been taking the drugs? If not too long, it will hopefully be easier to kick the habit himself. If a long time, he might need to go to rehab.
Do you have money to throw at this problem?

Original poster
Letyy · 31/10/2025 20:15

I don’t know if he’s actually addicted or not, that’s my biggest worry

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 31/10/2025 20:20

I would say that it’s very common in banking. It doesn’t make it right but you might find talking to some of the partners of his colleagues could give you a realistic view of what his lifestyle really is, and that might help you to make a more informed decision about whether you want to end things or try to salvage your relationship.

Clarinet1 · 31/10/2025 20:20

Sorry OP I’ve had no experience of illicit drugs but, from all I’ve heard and read, if he’s taking coke frequently to get through a day’s work, he is an addict. You and your child need to get away somehow NOW!

BunnyLake · 31/10/2025 20:24

Letyy · 31/10/2025 19:56

@Moveoverdarlin he is saying he’s not addicted and only does it when he’s stressed. I didn’t think it was too horrendous but confided in my friend and she’s been horrified and said it’s a step away from heroin etc and now I just feel so scared about the future

Show quote history

Also coke can turn you violent. If he carries on taking it he could suddenly turn on you or the baby. You absolutely should leave (or he leaves).

Dillydollydingdong · 31/10/2025 20:28

I don't know anything about drugs but from what I've heard, it's very common for people to take coke. Especially middle class people. Maybe you should read up about it and it's effects? I don't think it means he's a threat to the family. There are much worse drugs (ketamine?)

Original poster
Letyy · 31/10/2025 20:30

Dillydollydingdong · 31/10/2025 20:28

I don't know anything about drugs but from what I've heard, it's very common for people to take coke. Especially middle class people. Maybe you should read up about it and it's effects? I don't think it means he's a threat to the family. There are much worse drugs (ketamine?)

@Dillydollydingdong i thought this initially but my friend said it’s a road to more and more hardcore stuff. So I don’t know

OP posts:
Moreteaandchocolate · 31/10/2025 20:31

A friend of mine found herself in a similar situation. She stayed with her husband and he stopped taking cocaine, they’re still happily married 14 years later. Not saying it was easy for her but just to give you some hope.

Cinnamon77 · 31/10/2025 20:34

Letyy · 31/10/2025 20:15

I don’t know if he’s actually addicted or not, that’s my biggest worry

If he's taking it at home alone then yes, he's addicted and that's a big problem.

However, it's nothing like heroin.

Which country are you in? Did you find out about this when you were back in the UK or before you emigrated with him?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 31/10/2025 20:35

Unpopular opinion(?)

You have a 7 m old and arent married unless you are making 100k a year and can afford the mortgage solo I'd think twice and wouldnt be rushing to end it.

There are shades between doing nothing and ending the relationship.

Yes - its bad. But honestly very common in banking...

If the relationship is otherwise good - I'd be looking at counselling for him and maybe couples counselling (his private medical will likely cover both for free) and give him a chance to clean up his act. Maybe an NA group ...or rehab if needed? (he sounds recreational ish though)
If he just wanted to keep using and loved it more than his family then I'd def leave.

Cinnamon77 · 31/10/2025 20:38

Letyy · 31/10/2025 20:30

@Dillydollydingdong i thought this initially but my friend said it’s a road to more and more hardcore stuff. So I don’t know

Show quote history

Cocaine is not a gateway drug. It's the drug people take after taking gateway drugs. Your friend doesn't know what they're talking about