I don’t think I’m BU but what the fuck do I do now

[Letyy]

Have a 7 month old with DP. Found out this week that he’s been snorting coke in the house while working from home. Initially he said it was a one off but turns out he does it when stressed. He works in banking and it is highly stressful but I’ve asked him to leave. I don’t know where to go from here. I have no other support as we moved from UK overseas for his work

I’m not saying it’s a great situation, but your friend is wrong. You are both obviously incredibly naive about drugs I think as are the majority of people here responding to you. It does seem like certain people use Coke the way you might have a cigarette as a perk up. I don’t do that, and I never have but I’m just saying, I don’t think it’s as uncommon as people seem to think.

Yes, I would.

Taking coke at a party or in other social, recreational settings is (somewhat) normal. Taking it at home and needing it to get through a stressful day is not, that’s an addiction.

I’m not a prude about drugs, I’ve done my fair share of party drugs and psychedelics in my time but in your position, I would be sitting down and working out exactly what I would need to do to safely leave him.

I know a few men who took coke regularly, all high earners. A friend of mine worked in an airline and it wasn't unusual for some of the pilots she worked with to take it. Nowadays they test airline pilots for drugs.
My friends are in their 50s now and barely drink alcohol. They don't all become serious addicts.
But I've the same opinion as many of the above posters. Taking it at home just to get through the day is another level.
Can you talk to him?

Same!

It’s really not, I work in child protection and have seen instances like this several times.

I know three people who have spoken about their past regular use of cocaine. Two city lawyers and a banker. It seems almost normal for London high flying professional men. I don't know what the environment was on which they used it, but they all stopped at some point and it's way in their pasts

That’s what worries me - the possible danger from dealers, debt, and just having a dangerous substance in the house. Also wouldn’t social services be interested if they knew / found out?

My DH is a “finance bro” in the city and when I tell you they all do it and do have addictions they just don’t want to face reality. If you’re not ready to part ways suggest therapy or counselling. Please ensure safety of everyone in the home and make it clear that around your 7 month old is a non negotiable.

OP, you need to talk to him. It’s not as simple as LTB. If he acknowledges it’s a problem then there is scope for working through it.

It is very common, but that doesn’t mean that it’s to be ignored. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a step towards other drugs but it’s being normalised a lot as harmless. It’s an expensive habit and it does affect your behaviour and personality- so it does impact your loved ones.
He has hidden it from you, which will be hurtful and is a breach of trust. So that’s another aspect to work through if you decide to or have to stay.
i’m sure many on this thread have stressful jobs and we aren’t all reaching for coke to get through the days, so I do think it’s an addiction at this point.

It's nothing like heroin.Your friend is wrong. My cousin used to work for the stock exchange and told me the bar opened at 9am they would get a bottle of vodka and loads of cocaine. He died at 36. So if he has a high pressured job he could be using it to help him work, which is sad, but maybe a bit of understanding about what goes on in that kind of environment. This was years ago with my cousin by the way, Not sure if it still happens. And if he has used it at work before then he could be used to it.

One of the problems with Coke is that addiction creates higher stress levels as well. I genuinely think you need to have a huge chat with him about finances - get his banking app and look for cash withdrawals. Let him know that you can’t have baby in the house with him taking drugs and you’re going home until he sorts his shit out. Just stay home.

Presumably there is risk that all the dust from it is on his hands or face when he's holding the baby. Lovely!

As a former casual Coke taker, he’s my two pence.
Coke is not a gateway drug. Most of my friends would take Coke or MDMA at parties or on nights out in our early twenties. Some still occasionally dabble and are professional, respectable members of society. However, if any of our friends started using coke during their working day this would be a huge red flag. I remember one of my friends taking Coke with a bottle of wine for a night in and we all sat her down and asked what was going on. We were right, it was a sign of deeper issues. It’s not normal and is a definite concern! I don’t think casually taking coke on a night out is that worrying if it’s rare but taking it while ‘stressed’ is a major problem and hints at addiction or deeper concerns. I don’t think it will lead to heroin but I don’t think it’s a good sign either.

Cocaine and heroin are not bedpals. Crack cocaine and heroin, yes, but not cocaine.
Cocaine is common in wealthy circles as a recreational drug. But whilst working from home? That would indicate a problem to me. It will pep him up if he wants to stay alert but there are other, safer, legal things he could take to do that- drugs that aren’t addictive.
Most importantly now is you have a) a husband possibly addicted to class a drugs around your baby and b) possible class a drugs in your home.
You have to prioritise safeguarding your baby.

Aside from what everyone else is saying, which country are you living in? How illegal is it there?

This, 100%. Your friend is talking nonsense. If that's what you're going on, I suggest you get your information from a more reliable source. I'm not saying it's something to be overlooked, but I've known a lot of coke users over the years, sadly, and going onto heroin was not on the cards at all.

I think the difference is that they took it recreationally and stopped - lots of people take mdma, coke, weed etc in their 20s and even early 30s and stop as they grow out of it. That isn’t addiction (though obviously still has risks/is morally and legally dubious).

OP’s DH is ramping up his use to the point he is taking coke at home during working hours. That is dependence, not recreation, and at a stage in life (married with a baby) when most men are growing up/discovering cycling etc instead of ramping up their drug use. It’s more worrying than “finance bro in his 20s taking coke on a work night out” would be.

This
I think you need to have a very open conversation.
I don't think you should end the relationship at this point.
There is every chance this can be worked through
Fwiw, I agree that this is more common than people realise

Cool. Maybe you could have left yours in a house with baggies of coke lying around and they'd have been fine then. Mine wouldnt have been. Weird, it's almost like different kids are different 🤔

Take legal advice before running the risks of being charged with parental abduction by returning to the UK

I knew someone in this position and the legal advice in both countries was no to risk leaving without a legal custody agreement

Some years ago there was a Hague Convention case in the EU country where I live where the mother returned here with her 7 year old dd (and 2 ds) and lost custody of the dd as a result and the dd was returned to the other country.

AIBU?

I’ve been married 6 years, together for 9 with my husband. He used to go out drinking a couple of weekends a month but has cut down a lot since we had our first child. The problem is, when he does go out it’s not for a couple of pints. He ends up coming back at all hours of the morning.

I am 10 weeks postpartum with baby no 2. Hubby has a very stressful job and today decided to go to the pub with his friends after work. 5 hours later he is still not home. I have a bad cold and he knows it’s so hard putting 2 children down to sleep.

He says I am always difficult when he goes out with his friends, messaging when gets going to be home etc and making him feel bad.

But from my perspective, he gets to go to the gym and also plays football twice a week and that’s more than most husbands.

He also says I gaslight him? AITA?

I think deep down I am just disappointed because I wanted my husband to be the kind of person to make his family his whole life and priority/ not want to go out for hours like this.

It's worth noting that taking cocaine is morally wrong. Each line destroys 3 square meters of Amazon rainforest, and funds the murderous cartels who produce and traffic the drugs.

Your husband is funding the murder of people in developing countries because he is stressed. Put that to him.

I'm sick of cocaine being minimised and normalised by selfish middle class people. @sunsu , you are a disgrace.

I would too. The substance itself or having a knowledge of a particular substance is irrelevant IMO. If you're using something go get through your day, something is wrong.

It sounds like he is addicted and in denial. He is taking it in your home while he is working. Cocaine may be a middle class drug but it’s highly addictive with many health risks. Those people who die young is because it damages the heart.