I don’t think I’m BU but what the fuck do I do now

[Letyy]

Have a 7 month old with DP. Found out this week that he’s been snorting coke in the house while working from home. Initially he said it was a one off but turns out he does it when stressed. He works in banking and it is highly stressful but I’ve asked him to leave. I don’t know where to go from here. I have no other support as we moved from UK overseas for his work

@Dery it honestly doesn't suggest addiction. You obviously don't many people working in finance. It was the norm when I worked in banking in the 90's. It's the norm now for anyone at higher up. It's seen and suggested as a stress reliever and of course to do the hours.

It not being unusual is no excuse, nor is the 'stressful job'. I find men like this pathetic frankly, he needs to grow up. Life has stresses, that's normal, turning to drugs is not normal, responsible, safe or acceptable. Especially when you have a young child to be a role model for
The easy words of women who usually don't have a clue what high pressure job stress feels like.

OP don't listen to the MN drama queen who run away at the slightest life challenge. Your OH has dropped a bombshell. It's not the end of civilisation.

If you live him and are fully committed, the first step is to fight the battle together. The ups and downs of marriage. If despite all the support, changes to ease the stress and full commitment, he doesn't fight it, that's when you decide that your welfare of your child and yourself comes before love and family life.

What on earth nakes you think that? I have an extremely stressful job thanks, but I've never chosen to endanger my family by turning to drugs.

Drug use doesn't really work like that.
Cocaine isn't addictive in the way heroin is. Habitual use is a problem, not least due to the cost, but he's not going to end up a heroin user.

You didn’t think it was too horrendous?

This isn’t him having a one off line whilst on a night out with the boys (which still isn’t ok!)

This is him in the middle of the day whilst working doing it in your home where your child lives.

I work in a prison and have friends who are drug users.

Drugs are much more common than people realise, especially in these professional roles.

However, taking them at home alone during the day is not normal and very worrying.
He has a problem.

He is likely a functioning drug addict.
Some people can do this for years and be ok but it will always catch up with them.

Well done for kicking him out.
What is he like as a partner and dad in general?

I would base my next steps on what he’s like - is it something worth saving or is this just the final nail in the coffin.

I have a high pressed job, I am a single parent, I’m studying for a masters degree in the evenings and I am a carer for my mentally ill mother who recently had armed police turn up at my home in the middle of the night because she said someone was holding me at gun point.

I was a teenage single mother living in a homeless shelter and didn’t have a penny to my name or any support.

I have never taken drugs to ease my stress.
Because I have a child who needs my full attention and money.

It is absolutely an excuse if someone is saying they take drugs because of their high pressured job.
I know people who don’t have high pressure jobs and use the same excuse.

If you cannot cope with your job, then find a different one.

If you are single, then you do whatever you want with your hard earned money.
But when you have kids then it’s makes you a shitty parent and you need to sort it out because it will catch up with you.

Its always annoys me when some people think it’s ok to do drugs if you’re in a certain job or a certain class.
But I bet if it was someone working as a builder, in a nail salon or a cleaner smoking weed all day or doing ket then people will say it’s wrong.

Well taking otc cocodomol tablets for a headache could be a 'step away from heroin etc'. Your friends comment isn't helpful. Opiates and coke are two completely different substances.

If you tell him you'll leave if he doesn't stop, what would he say? He needs to want to stop doing it though.

If he’s reliant on it, then that’s classed as an addiction.

Has he expressed any remorse, responsibility, desire to get help/stop?

The first thing to accept is that you have no control over this situation. You cannot get him to stop no matter what you say/do or how you react. It needs to come from him, and with addicts it usually comes from a “rock bottom” place.

What you can do is work out where your boundaries are. You can leave, it’s not up to him if you can or cannot go back to the UK, that’s your choice. Or you can stay and try and support him, but consider my points above and understand that it’s going to be hard. You will need to educate yourself, you will need support and therapy to help you, you will want to cry and scream and have to find strength you didn’t know you had. Ultimately, this will drain you, can you support him and be the best mum you can to your child, and shield your child? If not, then your child will suffer. And that means you NEED to leave as your most important job as a mum is to protect your child (yes, even from their father).

Have a look at this, it might help. SMART recovery have some zoom sessions for family and friends of addicts too.

https://www.ukat.co.uk/help-guides/dealing-with-addiction-denial/

But please, whatever you do, please protect your little one as a priority. The trauma that can be passed on to them is huge, and trust me when I say it WILL have an effect and you WILL be having to deal with that trauma and the resulting mental health struggles they’ll have when they get older.

No, it’s not a road to harder drugs and your friends comments aren’t helpful. Whatever you do, don’t catastrophise, you’ll drive yourself into a pit of despair that’s hard to get back out of. You need to stick to the facts and keep a level head. Get your education from trained professionals, like my link in my previous post and SMART.

The judgement and false information surrounding addiction is rife. Comments like your friend’s is ignorant and mis-informed and has obviously made you panic. Get your info from qualified resources.

Go and get legal advice. You can usually get a free hour. You might find you can have legal aid.
Grounds for him certainly not being able to stop you going home. If you have parents. Tell them. Tell his.

It can turn you violent and that should be a cause for concern. I had a live in bf years ago who began taking it at parties and social events, not everyday life. It still turned him from a happy go lucky guy to one who smashed a full dinner plate of food against a wall in anger because I told him I didn’t like him taking it. He became an ex (luckily no children). I saw someone go from fun loving to angry and prone to outbursts. I left soon after, the smashed plate of food was the last straw.

Was your baby born in the UK? Are you and your partner British citizens?

And do you work/can you work where you are?

One of the many problems is that he doesn't know what it's being cut with. Fentanyl is start to creep in in some areas, and that really is worrying.

Of course the biggest issue is that he is doing this in your house with your 7 month old baby.

I'd be looking to get back to the UK with your baby however you can. Life with an addict is no way for you to live or your child to grow up. Find a way to get out while your baby is still very young, it will only get harder as they get older.

Yeahhhh, unpalatable, but spot on. If you take him back will he marry you? Without that you are currently very vulnerable legally/financially. Don't rush into a separation providing you and baby are safe.