I don’t think I’m BU but what the fuck do I do now

[Letyy]

Have a 7 month old with DP. Found out this week that he’s been snorting coke in the house while working from home. Initially he said it was a one off but turns out he does it when stressed. He works in banking and it is highly stressful but I’ve asked him to leave. I don’t know where to go from here. I have no other support as we moved from UK overseas for his work

You know what’s weird about this if that in my generation it was in such and in crowd thing to go. do. Pretty scary but cocaine has a minimal damage innyour body unless you’re addicted. Problem is is that is not. Mixing with fentanl, methanfetamine is highly addictive. Drugs. Don’t blame it on cocaine

I understand you are shocked, and it sounds like you have a surprisingly small amount of knowledge, let alone experience, around illegal drugs, so you are very confused. And some of the posts on this thread may not be helping.

There is no evidence here that he is addicted, though obviously he could be. Coke isn't physically addictive in the way that some other drugs are - however, obviously users can become emotionally dependant on it if they use it enough.

It can cause some people to be verbally aggressive, in rare cases physically aggressive, but from that point of view I would infinitely rather date a coke user than someone who drinks alcohol to any significant extent. Alcohol has the much more deleterious impact on behaviour in my experience.

Coke may well be very common among his circle if he works in a highly paid, high pressure job.

Don't panic. Talk to him and find out more. Do some research (not on here - there is a lot of panic on here about illegal drugs, while heavy drinking is on some threads almost saluted).

Your friend is scare-mongering in saying it's a "gateway to heroin", anymore than drink is, or any other substance. The majority of coke users do not eventually become smack-heads.

Good luck.

Sorry, but this is absolute bollocks. Whether cocaine is ‘like heroin’ is besides the point.
The guy is snorting coke during a working day! Someone who drinks at home or during the working day ‘because they’re stressed’ is an alcoholic. Someone who snorts coke in those circumstances has got a serious fucking drug problem.

Just because recreational cocaine has become ‘mainstream acceptable’ in some circles doesn’t mean cocaine isn’t a highly problematic drug.

And of course it’s addictive. I have known many cokeheads over the years.

OP, I’m not a judgemental person and did shitloads of drugs in my youth, but if I found out the father of my tiny baby was snorting coke in the house during the day, there would be no conversation. I’d be gone. Fuck that for a game of laughs. He’s a prick.

Secrets keep you sick.
his drug of choice is costing him more than money, his relationship, his child and possibly his job. He is in denial

This is rubbish.
Coke is physically addictive. It ruins lives.

If he’s taking it in the day, without alcohol (dry sniffing) he has a serious problem. You say you didn’t see any signs, this means he’s gone way beyond it being fo recreational use, he’s a functioning addict. It alters the way people think, making them far more likely to engage in risky behaviour.

I say this as someone who has done a LOT of research into this disgusting drug over the last few months, after my (now ex) absolutely blew our lives apart because of it. He left me pregnant and in debt due to his habit and is now on bail and no longer able to see his children. I had NO idea he was even taking it as he was so far beyond using occasionally. I’m not naive and know the signs and he had none. Because addicts lie, they cover their tracks. Especially coke addicts who will do anything for it.

It wont be easy but I’d be finding a way to get out of his life.
Forcing him to get help won’t do anything unless he wants to. Even losing his whole family hasn’t stopped my ex and he now blames the police saying he’s stressed because of them. I hope for the sake of his children he stops but honestly don’t see it happening.

Irrelevant. He’s doing it at home during thr work day. This will only get worse.

For OP and others, some information.

Easy overview of cocaine chemistry, risks and dependence:
https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/cocaine-dependence

Detailed discussion "The Neurobiology of Cocaine Addiction" (2005):
pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2851032/

Do you have a good support network back in the UK, do you have your own savings?

If so I would be asking him if you and baby can go on holiday to the UK ( get approval to leave the country you are in ) and never go back. Coke in the day when you have a young child is something I would be sprinting far away from

Cocaine is believed to be psychologically addictive like gambling, not physically addictive like alcohol, tobacco or heroin.

A quick google will soon tell you otherwise.

That's part of the problem - people think they're experts after a quick Google search

If you read my previous posts I have experience with cocaine. I’ve spent many hours with police, social workers and drug counsellors so I know more than a lot of people unfortunately.

I'd be more concerned about the long hours he does. Do you get any support from him? Does he have to work that long? How would coke even help with stress anyway? Its a pick me up drug.

Really common in banking - like affairs, taking clients to strip clubs - I live somewhere where many women are married to bankers. I had a friend whose husband was a coke head in banking - 2 affairs - she stayed and has a nice lifestyle. I think her husband stopped but it put her through a lot.

If he's taking it during the working day then I'd assume he's addicted. Imagine it was alcohol - if someone needed a swig of neat vodka at lunchtime to get through the day we'd all agree they are an alcoholic. Getting high on coke isn't like having a pint with lunch, he's almost certainly using regularly and there is a stash hidden in your home.
Check the local drugs laws and child custody laws and start making plans to get back to the UK ASAP. Life will be much worse if he gets arrested or loses his job and your still stuck abroad. Maybe come back to the UK for Christmas with him then refuse to leave?

I'd be wary about blaming his 'stressful job'. Other people do vital work that has lives dependent on it, and they're not all on the coke to get through. It may be part of the culture in banking, but its not a necessity to cope with a uniquely stressful human experience known only to bankers.
It may well be that this job is beyond him, in which case he should absolutely be looking for one he is capable of, but resorting to drugs to get through something difficult speaks of chatacter and a tendancy to escape problems rather than fix them.
This doesn't bode well for a future that may well contain far more stress points than a job, such as illness, bereavement and so on.
If its genuine this is stress related, he needs to seek help to manage stress and build resilience. If he refuses, I'd leave him sooner rather than later.

Are you married?

I know of two guys both caught by their partners doing coke during the day. One was the last straw for one friend and she left him. The other I’m actually friends with the guy and his partner stayed and he has stopped. I don’t think it is a gateway drug for other things like your friend suggests. But I do think it’s an issue to be doing it in the day. I briefly saw a guy and found out he did it while at home and it’s just a bit pathetic really

Yep, he has a serious drug problem. There's lots of good reasons why coke is illegal. Ignore those trying to rank it against other drugs.

“TenGreatFatSquirrels · Yesterday 21:23

That’s insane… like addict level insane. Lots of people have tried it at a nightclub. To do it at home, alone, during the day, while working is serious serious addiction level. I used to hang out with a lot of causal users in my 20s… none did it alone or while working.
I’ve also never heard of someone taking coke - major stimulant - to deal with stress. It makes you MORE stressed if anything.
If your baby accidentally ingested just a tiny amount they could have seizures and die. An infant died after sucking his father’s finger that had traces on it in 2007.”

This with bells on. @Letyy - many people take cocaine recreationally but, as PPs have said, taking cocaine to get through a working day suggests addiction. Also, who the hell takes cocaine to relieve stress? This isn’t a drug that makes you chill out.

It’s so dangerous for him to be taking it in the house and any residue could be incredibly harmful to your DC. You do need to take this very seriously and have some serious discussions with your partner about this. You can’t just take your DC back to the UK, because of the relevant Hague Convention, that could be treated as child abduction. So you need proper legal advice before taking any such action.

he is saying he’s not addicted and only does it when he’s stressed

This is what worries me. If he isn't willing to admit he has a problem, he isn't willing to stop, no matter what he says. Is he up for getting help to stop his need to take it when he's stressed and learn other coping mechanisms?

I wouldnt be rushing to end it yet. If I was in this situation I'd be looking at what steps we could take to get help and what steps my OH needed to take to stop.

He's definitely not coping with the job and if he has to use to help him manage then if he isn't now, he will be.

Is this job short term or if it isn't can you sit down with him and discuss different job options that he could move to?

I wouldn't say that's true. We have a few men working in finance and coke is the norm to working long hours. It's also a norm for MH and burnout issues. The problem is that at a certain level in finance, you can't shorten your hours. You have to hammer them, make your set up money and have a get out plan. In one case it led to a complete breakdown and near suicide situation. It was by chance a family member visited and intervened.
You need to decide if you want this marriage. Then this needs honest conversations with him. Not on here and not your friend.
Then identifying if he is self medicating to get through his working day. As said a possible future job change, which is possible, he has, wanted, transferable skills galore.
Then go from there.

This isn't necessarily true. Yes, some people do try harder stuff once they've tried one thing, but that's not true for everyone. Coke and heroin are very different drugs. Coke and amphetamines are stimulants, or "uppers" which is why they are drugs of choice for people in high earning, high pressure/stress jobs. Heroin is an opiate and therefore a "downer" and not a drug someone would use to improve their functioning at work.

Regular use of coke (as in non-recreational use) does tend to lead to more coke, however. It's an expensive drug and a habit can quickly become financially ruinous. It's also short acting, so the effects don't last, which means if you want more of the buzz, you have to keep taking it. Cardiovascular risks increase with regularity of use and quantity.

I don't like armchair diagnosis, but as I did work in neurodevelopmental world, some people with unidentified ADHD get into using stimulants (usually high caffeine consumption but sometimes harder stuff) as a way of masking/managing symptoms and coping at work. Often their response to stimulants is paradoxical (calms down the nervous system instead of revving it up). It may be worth looking up some info and seeing if this resonates. If so, you could look into an assessment. If he is, then medication for ADHD could help him manage better, and has been shown to reduce problematic self medication in those with the diagnosis.

Call the rights of women advice line op - it’s free legal advice:
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/