WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

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DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

Agree with this - especially my friends in TV/media in London. From what I gather post-COVID it's even more dog eat dog. Many of my friends have ended up almost going backwards in their careers in order to stay in the industry.

Everyone is going to regret something that could have been but it wasn't.
Get some interest, work something that keep your body and mind busy and remember my first sentence. Don't look to the past, look to the future.

Same here - I dont think having young children in your early 30s is unusual at all.

Thats when myself and most of my friends started having children. Frankly, I think it's a little bit sad to still be acting like a university student in your 30s.

Most people start to grow up a bit by their 30s, are seeing their friends start to settle down and arent interested in the party life any more. It's completely natural to grow out of that phase. That doesnt mean you cannot go out and have fun of course, but your life stops revolving around it and other things become more important.

Jesus, talk about wanting your cake and eating it. You got what you wanted at the time- which is a living standard well above most ppl on here.

You’ve got a man who adores (tho not loves you later say) you and your kids. You claim to regret missing out on dating but opened with how slim and glamorous you were and could have any man you wanted when it came to dating.

Well you got your man, who doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong but give you a more than comfortable lifestyle and 2 presumably healthy happy kids. FFS what more do you want?

Learn to be grateful for what you have. If you start complaining about your lot to other women you’ll soon find your ‘only’ mum friends start to dry up too.

I personally couldn’t ever have been fulfilled a SAHM, and I wonder if that’s most of your issue. Though you say your friends have better men. Better in what way? More handsome? Younger? The grass isn’t always greener. But never give up your financial independence as you see it every single day on here without fail, women trapped as they no longer work and fully financially reliant on a man. I’ve always told my own DD never to do this.

I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

So you used your slim, glamorous body to get an older wealthy guy who has given you are very comfortable life where you don't have to work - and you wish instead you had a few more years of partying to then have to manage juggling working full-time and raising kids?

But that's pretty normal when you have very young children OP.
It's easy to compare with others and see what you perceive to have missed out on but nobody has everything and I can guarantee that there will be people who envy you.
I suggest that you do something for yourself (a hobby or part time job) to regain your identity.
Caring for very young children is exhausting and most relationships lack passion during this time.
You live in a nice house and have no money worries and can afford to be a Sahm.
That is an extremely fortunate position to be in. I appreciate that in itself does not equate with happiness but please stop comparing your situation to others. You can avail of multiple opportunities to engage in whatever you may find interesting /opportunities for employment

I wonder if more than the age gap, it is the life stage. If you have little kids, not yet in school, you're really in the trenches of early motherhood and that is such a bonkers, overwhelming time.
Maybe you could consider letting them go to nursery for a couple of days a week and use those two days to find out who you are now and what you like doing. If money isn't much of an issue, you really do have a wealth of opportunity before you and I am sure that as the kids grow up and you have more time for yourself, you'll find that brilliant spark again. 💕

You've only lost 5 or 6 years of work - you can restart things after a career break, but it would take a big push. There are schemes to help women return to work in the media. Contacts can be rekindled. Is it worth reaching out to people you've worked with in the past to go for coffee and scope things out? Or try to figure out what it was you liked about that career, and if there's another career with more predictable hours that might give you some of that? I'd be wary of conflating your feelings about your past career with your broader feelings about the loss of your more carefree life. Ie. try to make decisions for who you are now, not for the life stage you wish you could go back to.

No advice for the loveless marriage. It's tough, and MN is often very quick to say "leave". You have kids and he sounds like a good guy. Can you work at it?

Also - I wouldn't rule out a couple of nursery days per week. When they start school, you might be very glad of a gentler transition... And it would give you time to start figuring things out.

That’s not too bad , actually. Look, a comment earlier pointed to the possibility of you unrealistically comparing your actual, real life with those of your friends’ OG , unrealistic ones. Sit back and take a stock of the positives you have. I’m sure it’s all worth it.

If you don’t need to work now then you can certainly return to work & pay for childcare. Millions of us do it. Often for our sanity. Getting a job, loosing weight etc all in your gift.

In my experience almost everyone thinks about the path not taken, and how things might have been differernt.

And there are always trade offs. Persue a very intense career and maybe you need to give up on having kids or raising them yourself, or maybe it means a very hectic lifestyle.

Have kids and be a SAHM for a few years and some thing you might have done with your career won't be options in the same way.

However, I will say - don't make the mistake of thinking where you ar is forever. Your kids will grow up and you may still have 25 or 30 years ahead you can dedicate to a career. There are a lot of people who have a second career in their lives, maybe more than stay in one sector.

In a few years you will probably be in a position to get started on something new, or return to your old career, even if you need to start again from a lower level.

I initially trained for one career, worked for a bit in a differernt, but related area, was home with kids for 15 years though iI did some PT work in the last 10, again related somewhat, and now am back into the initial area I trained in. And I could be there 20 years which is a reasonable time to do one thing, imo.

You are in the thick of kids, just remember that there will be other people who are looking at you and thinking about whether they are missing out because of their own choices.

You need an interest - it doesn't have to be paid work. Can you find something that really sparks your interest and can develop into a passion and do something fulfilling as well as bringing up DC. You are ideally placed to follow a dream - no money worries or many time constraints.

It sounds like you need to find something to give you purpose. This could be paid work or volunteering. Why are you so uncomfortable with childcare? I'm choosy with childcare but have found solutions I'm happy with e.g. it sounds like you could afford a part time nanny.

Few of us can have our cake and eat it.

You CAN revive your career: work it out now, see a work coach, work out a route towards using your experience to re-launch or divert. use your skills and experience in a different way. Think about some courses or professional development: a lot is available online.

You can plan to move to a less boring area.

With a well supported, loving secure parental background there is really nothing wrong with nursery or a Nanny. They will soon be at school. Plenty of women have a fulfilling professional life and children. I did, and we didn’t have anything like your income.

And stop wallowing. You are hardly too old to be fit and fabulous .

This is a brilliant reply. Heed this advice!👍

I actually disagree with this. I've been perimenopausal since my third child was born 5 years ago. I was aged 39 then.

I'm not imagining my fluctuating symptoms which I never had before my third pregnancy. They are absolutely all hormonal. I've never thought it could be anything else.

So you enjoyed all the perks of him and now that it’s not suiting you, you find fault with him? His age was known to you from day 1. You sound awful tbh. He has done nothing wrong except be his age and provide a good life for you. Maybe be honest with him and leave ?

You married him because he was good looking and rich, he is still good looking and rich, plus you wanted children and to stay at home with them, you got what you wanted.

You won't be perimenopausal, by the time you re in your late thirties or early forties, either. Women seem to be diagnosing themselves younger and younger, but it's truly rare under the age of about fifty. And my friend, who is a consultant endocrinologist, told me that

This is flat out wrong LOL.

I started getting random symptoms out of the blue in my early 40s. Periods suddenly went from normal as clockwork to irregular, flooding - to the point I couldnt even leave the house for fear of ending up staining my clothes, brain fog, hair loss, sudden anxiety etc. I wasnt imagining those things FFS.

I saw a hormone specialist in London, started taking bio identical hormones and it all got better. All my friends the same age are or were dealing with similar and varied symptoms so you are wrong. It's not "rare" at all. I literally had hormone tests which showed they had changed.

I had a marriage almost exactly like this, down to the age I was when I had the first child and stopped working. We ended up divorced because exH wasn’t interested in doing anything other than what he wanted. I wanted to retrain and start a new career, he wanted a SAHM. I wanted to see my friends sometimes, he didn’t want me to. 20 years later I’m a partner in a law firm and have a fulfilling social life. Yes it was hard working with young kids and they did have to go to childcare. Those are the choices everyone has to make. You can’t be a SAHM or part time worker AND have a fulfilling career without childcare. The childcare years are short really, and adult life is (hopefully) long. I see friends my age (49) whose kids are all now at uni and my friends haven’t worked since the kids were born - they now feel adrift and purposeless. It’s a lot harder to start a new career at 50 than it is in your 30s. I was 34 when I qualified as a lawyer. Think ahead 20 years to what you want your life to look like, and start planning for it now.

What happened to all the contacts? I’d imagine most of them are still there?! They can’t have all left in 5 years. Just pick them up again?!

What were the fluctuating symptoms?

My friend a consultant endocrinologist at a top teaching hospital.One of the best hospitals on a global scale says unless you re havung reduction in periods getting hot flushes, you re not menopausal or in peri. It is very rare under fifty she said.

Who diagnosed you with it?Or did you diagnose yourself? The fact you say you've never thought it could be anything else suggests it might be self diagnosis, which doesn't count.

Don't understand why women actually want to be menopausal earlier and earlier and earlier. The amount of offence that's taken if someone suggests they're too young is absolutely mind blowing. I'm happy to be told i'm too young to have something and it could be something else.

If you think all of your symptoms might be caused by menopause, or early menopause, or the beginning of menopause, in your thirties, youre potentially missing other treatable medical conditions.

I'm happy to go with a professional.
It's extremely rare under fifty.
I am happy to be told I am over ten years too young for the start of menopausal symptoms. Many women are chomping at the bit to be diagnosed at thirty five. And I don't understand why but you do you.

My friend a consultant endocringist at a top teaching hospital.One of the best on a global scale says unless you re havung reduction in periods getting hot flushes, you re not menopausal or in peri.

Your friend thinks the ONLY symptoms of peri or menopause are reduced periods and hot flushes?

Good grief what a load of crap.

Hormonal fluctuations in peri can affect your thyroid which it did for me. Never had any thyroid issues before. Blimey, I am so glad I went to someone who believed me - if I had gone to your "friend" I'd still have an untreated, underactive thyroid 😳