WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

[Abcdefghno]

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

I feel for you OP. I wasn't ever particularly glamorous and I got married fairly young by current standards (25) but my husband is my age and we've built our life together, and I've been able to balance having our family with working a prestigious job which I love.

I think I would find your life stifling and limiting too, so I don't blame you for feeling this way, especially as your marriage isn't fulfilling.

Would a part time job or a fulfilling hobby start giving you something back for yourself? You don't have to pursue a busy career if that doesn't work for your vision for your kids, but there must be time in the week that you can fill with something meaningful for yourself.

Sorry but I disagree its rare under 50.

I started hrt at 38

I working with many women collegues currently in their 40s struggling massively with hot flushes and brain fog and erratic periods and mood swings.

"You're living the live of a 40 year old".

Come on now, that's an unbelievablely immature statement. The majority of people in their 40s have plenty of fulfillment in their lives.

Despite you saying you grew up fast, you seem very immature.

None of this is due to the age gap.
None of this "happened" you.
You chose it.
You can also change it.

Shake of the self indulgence.
Find out what you need, whether it's a job, more friends, more exercise etc.

You seem stuck in a bit without proactively doing anything to change it.

You could get a job. You could make more friends. You could lose weight. You could try date nights and injecting more passion into your marraige. You could do a lot.

Stop acting like you don't have options and that you a prisoner to your circumstances. You aren't.

You need to find something to fulfil you.

You chose to get married and have kids young and life that goes with that. You canr change those choices so stop regretting them and focus on now and how you can feel fulfilled.

Marriage isn't roses and romance. Its a tough slog woth some good times chucked in and hopefully not taking each other for granted.

It definitely is not impossible, it's very possible. There's no one journery or timeliness in life, everyone is doing their own one, you can go back into the media/TV field or anything else. Do you have a degree? If so in what? Also what sort of role was it, producer, was it drama and flims, or more like a news shoe/radio.

Okay so you build UK a client list again, start going to networking events, going to media events and conferences, going to insight talks for students in university - you are still allowed to go to these they are for anyone interested in a graduate scheme or just wanting to apply for a job.

Go to the jobcentre local to you (they are essentially recruitment consultants) let them help you with your CV, cover letter etc. If you have a degree even as alumni you are entitled to use the univeristy career service, and their online webinars, support pages etc.

Work with some charities now to get experience in anything you are passionate in, I don't mean like shop floor of a charity shop (though this is great if you want to), but doing social media for them perhaps, doing talks, help out at the musueam leading a workshop for children, work on programs that go into schools, leadership skills, do something you care about a local project, in maybe helping postpartum mothers, set up a support group. Plus you'll make friends, also get skills for a CV, and have things outside of your identity as 'mum' which is so important.

Read this article from Beth Rigby currently Sky's political editor, a big role, she talks about how she 'retrained' and had to take the leap, after other rejections when she graduated, and how she changed her career/role.
https://sheerluxe.com/life/careers/my-interesting-job-beth-rigby?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAady8xeUS-MKi7zkSTy2ugEtk8IOXKq_z8wRz6yMjf_MDAFgfiuYHglANrto3Q_aem_d-cgNwvcB-3kQXrYyyubEw

It shows you how everyone is on their own pathway, and that is a good thing, you have so many opportunities available, don't just say no, and then in 10 years and 20 years constantly be like it's too late now, I should have done it at 30. As the quote goes, the best time to start was yesterday the second best time is now.

Everything that @WiddlinDiddlin says! Brilliant post.

If I were to be straightforward and harsh @Abcdefghno i would observe that you made these choices. And that in your OP, the emphasis is on your looks and slimness, his looks and money.

This could appear to be quite a shallow approach to life, and you end up where you are.

Why not invest in your intellect and your inner life. Everyone ages and “loses” their looks. But if you have a rich inner life and exercise your brain, through education, and enriching experiences which make you a more interesting person, then you’ll have that till the day you die.

What are you interested in, that’s not about looks or money? What new things could you learn, which will make you a more interesting person?

Or alternatively, how could you work for and help other people? what are you good at that you could volunteer to do?

You’ve made quite normal choices in your life and it’s all worked out for you. To think you should still be living like a woman in her twenties is very boring. Become interesting to others, and yourself.

Completely agree

Honestly, I know it's bad to self diagnose, but my hormones are definitely fluctuating and I can't see what else it could be. Yes, i get hot flushes. Worse migraines. Thinner hair, gingivitis when I never had anything before,.in spite of meticulous oral health. Awful foot pain, dry eyes, horrible anxiety and panic attacks. Periods are still regular but I know my body and am extremely sensitive to anything hormonal so it's unlikely to be attributable to anything else.

I'm not disputing what your friend says, and I'm sure he us correct. I had none of these things before I was late 30s and they all came on after my youngest daughter was born. Yes - it could be entirely coincidental.

But I had dreadful similar symptoms post natally and these are basically milder.

We have to agree to disagree. 😄🙃

Your issue doesn’t seem to be about the age gap but more about settling into married life too young.

You cannot change the past so no point crying over thst.
Focus on what you want to achieve in the next 5 to 10 years. Ie:
you want a career? Start working toward that by either studying or working part time or volunteering
you want to be slim again? Start exercising more, eating healthy, cut out excess alcohol, etc

you are still young so now is the time to start making changes!!!

My grandmother - a very clever woman - used to say that boredom is a sign of a lack of intelligence and interest in the world around one. If you’re bored, it’s because you’re not using your intelligence. It’s you, not the world.

And you know, by the time you’re 40, your DC will be much older, and you can take up a new career.

By the way, nothing wrong with being in one’s forties. Actually being in one’s fifties is even better. But you need to put in the work to invest in yourself. Not think that “better men” and “more money” are the be all and end all. If you think that, you deserve all the boredom and discontent.

Its hard to really isolate what the issue is - you had children much younger than your peer group, you missed out on the fun London years (although Covid would have impacted those even if you were young free and single), now you are a SAHM which a lot of people find difficult.

I agree you need to find things that bring you joy. Outside your children and husband.

do you see a future with your husband? These years are tough. Do you see yourself enjoying time with him when the children are more independent? Holidays just the two of you? The age difference will feel more pronounced in your forties and fifties. 45 still feels young - but he will be 60. Can you make peace with the age gap now?

Sorry but this is total rubbish. You must have completely misunderstood your friend or else they are a (?male) Endocrinologist clearly not a menopause specialist.
How can perimenopause possibly be 'extremely rare' under 50 when the average age of menopause (which means the very last period, diagnosed 12 months later) is 51 in the UK, late 40s in some parts of Asia?! Perimenopausal symptoms under 50 must therefore be common based on these facts.
Whether the other poster's symptoms were all perimenopause or a variety of other factors I have no idea but a woman could get perimenopausal symptoms at 39 if she was someone who then had her menopause in her early-mid 40s, which some women do.

And I certainly don't trust medical professionals after I was gaslighted by four different neurologists, none of whom correctly diagnosed my medication induced neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia.

They are not the fountain of knowledge. I was finally correctly diagnosed by a fifth neurologist, and i trusted my instincts and knew ny body.

I'm sure it's the same with my hormones and perimenopause. Doctors don't know everything about their patients' conditions.

As Michael J Fox says, "Listen to the patient - they know what they are going through best."

I agree with this. It would be different if the OP was a single mother, with an absent ex partner and no family support, on a low income with no ability to do anything other than work and care for her young children. The OP is in an exceptionally privileged situation but, instead of taking responsibility for her choices and appreciating her good fortune, she complains and chooses to blame her boredom on her DH's age.

I don't think the age gap is anything to do with it.
I think this is because you settled down young and gave up your independence.
I think saying you couldn't put your children into childcare is making excuses, and you're scared of change but not happy with the status quo.
I adore my children, don't we all, but freely admit working 3 days a week gives me a physical and mental break from them. I think I'm a better parent for nurturing another side of myself.
Go and look around a nursery, and you might be pleasantly surprised. Ours is absolutely wonderful, the staff really seem to like the children and the range of activities they offer far exceeds what I can do at home.

I think that once your DH hits 60 and you are 45 then the age gap will REALLY hit you. I have a couple of friends with similar age gaps who divorced when their husbands were 60 ish and facing retirement, luckily they had managed to have some sort of career .
I think a PT job would be a good idea for you if possible

I mean, this is why women nowadays often choose to 1) have children in their 30s rather than 20s, and 2) use childcare. We want to work and are bored being SAHM. Like you are.

It is in your power to change all of this. You probably won't get back the skinny figure or career you had in your early 20s, but you'd have been unlikely to keep that much longer anyway.

You were late 30s though. OP is literally 30. Perimenopause at 30 is extremely rare. Most people are just starting to have babies at that age.

Why were you so keen to drop your career as it began?
That was on you.
What was the appeal of a man so much older, that you were so quick to opt out?
Those decisions are on you.
Why did you make those decisions?

I remember being 25 and no way would any much older man have tempted me away from having my 20's and my job, friends etc.

Figure out why you made these decisions when all those around weren't?

Get yourself a life coach and start making some different decisions.

Pay for help so you can retrain and do something with your life.

Get your health and weight under control.
You threw in the towel so early to provide him with children.

He's a workaholic and you do everything else?

You need to start making better decisions if you want a different outcome.

Start with being honest with yourself.
Its really not clear in your post why you gave everything up at such a young age.

You’ve gone from one extreme to the other. You can have kids, a career and friends. It wouldn’t like your old life obviously but having children doesn’t mean you have to give up everything about yourself. Having access to money makes it a lot easier to find self fulfilment outside of children. It doesn’t even have to be a career, just a part time job, hobbies, study, volunteering. Something that gives your life a bit of a meaning and gives you some interests outside of the house and your children and husband.

Meant to add, I had my first at 25 and was a totally lone parent. I didn’t sacrifice myself at the alter of motherhood- I still managed some semblance of a social life and still worked.

From the post it sounds like he’s losing his looks and aging. There’s a difference between 40 (when she first stating dating him) and pushing 50. I’m the same as OP and wouldn’t be attracted to a 50 year old man. Most mid thirties women wouldn’t be really.

I can't see anything in the initial post about him losing his looks. The OP has commented on her weight gain rather than his. You might not be attracted to an older man but the OP was, enough to marry him and have his children. You don't just suddenly change your mind in a marriage with children because your partner commits the crime of getting older!

Let’s be realistic. You had approx 2-4 years in media/TV after graduating. Sorry but you really were just starting out. Who knows what would have happened 5 years down the line if you hadn’t met your DH. Careers in this industry generally require you to dedicate your life to them, with little time for relationships and family. They favour younger people who are happy to work insane hours when they are starting out.
I’m 40 with two young kids and look back at my 20s with such nostalgia. I think it’s a function of having kids and starting a new chapter of life.
Like others have said, you need to build a new purpose in life. Start going to the gym, meeting a new crowd and thinking about training for a new career. Your kids will only stay little for a relatively short period and once in school you can return to work if that’s what you wish to do.