WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

[Abcdefghno]

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

OP, I can understand your regrets about the life you could have had. I did the opposite from you: I had years of freedom, travel, boyfriends, exploration of different career paths, living and working abroad, excitement. And also, often, the natural downside of those things: danger, loneliness, exhaustion, instability, loss of friends and relationships through endlessly moving on. Overall, I loved that life, but by 40 I felt like a bit of dust blown around by the wind. My big regret is that I left it too late to have children.

Like you, most of my relatives married and had babies in their 20s, so they had masses of energy to not just cope with small children but really enjoy them! Then they had the energy to take up new careers when the children were older. And (I say this as an older person) it's still easy to learn new skills in your 30s, but it gets harder with age.

The thing to do is recognise that you've got a pretty good life now. You're in the thick of parenting small children, so no wonder passion takes a back seat for those first few years. Your relationship with DH sounds as if it could do with some TLC. Can you and he make time for date nights, or quiet time together? Maybe couples counselling?

I hope you can find your joy in life again.

You sounds very passive @Abcdefghno and also, I'm sorry to say, rather immature and spoiled. It's not very mature and also ageist to comment that you have the life of a 40 year old. You chose to marry your DH, have children, move to the 'really boring area' and become a SAHM. You are incorrectly assuming that all your 'problems' (not actually problems but your own choices) are related to the age gap. You haven't said anything at all negative that is related to the age gap. Indeed, everything that you have said that relates to him being an older, well established man in his mid 40s is very positive. He earns extremely well, far more than you did, enabling you to quit work as you wished, live in a lovely house, have multiple holidays a year, etc. You should count your blessings instead of feeling jealous about your friends via social media. If you want to feel better, stop being so passive; talk to your husband, consider starting a course or finding a part time job, consider getting your confidence back by looking at your diet and exercise regime.

You are on the younger side to have kids - my cousin was the same and struggled in early 30s with this and move to suburb etc. late 30s now and all much better - kids are more independent - she works more and her older DH is pretty hands on and happy to be at home. Just to say it might be a blip and wouldn’t worry too much - I will say she was very honest (in a jovial way) about it which helps - no need to put on a front for friends that it is all perfect and plain sailing as that is isolating. You are still young and will be for some time.

I've done all those things you are looking at with rose tinted glasses, all the while feeling lonely, lost and skint (rooming in London ain't cheap). I've now got husband, kids and mortgage - perhaps because it was so long coming i could not be happier. I think it's got more to do with sense of purpose than anything. My marriage is passionate at times, but mostly we are best mates - which is where a lot of marriages land and works great for us - some people think that's a more realistic goal than constant passion - Paul Carrick Brunson is good to listen to re keeping a relationship going. I think a hobby, volunteering or job would probably add the pizazz you're after - you sound like you feel boxed in. Possibly a move to a more interesting place could work - I always feel young when I'm in Brighton for example - that's where I'd move if I was feeling listless - they have clubs/societies for everything from sea swimming to coding to crochet to MMA or yoga and people who go are all different ages/backgrounds etc. There are also many adults apprenticeships in everything from midwifery to engineering - check out the gov.uk website

Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and abandoned careers were always going to progress and not stall or fail.

You need more exercise, maybe a better diet and a plan for a new career. Ad arrange some date nights so that the husband doesnt decide to go off with someone else because you dont value what you have.

OP I'm a guy, in my late 40's now and my wife is 16 years older than me. We got together when I was 19 and while I do love her and she's been amazing, it is very hard at times as the age gap now feels huge. I went to university in my mid 20's and there were girls there who liked me and who I liked but I was and still am committed to my wife. It was fine at the time as I probably wrote all those girls off as a bit immature but I'm still friends with a few of them and they are now all early 20's and I feel like I have so much more in common with them in terms of outlook, energy levels and so on. One I know had a crush on me and I do wonder "what if" when I see or think of her as she's lovely, she's married to someone her age and no longer interested in me or available but still.

I also feel a bit prematurely old because my wife is getting older and we have to go at her pace. I don't know it's a strange situation, would I do it all the same again? I'm not sure but then I know I owe her a lot and as I said I do love her and want to be there for her.

I, and many of my friends, had our first child around 30. Life then changed. Perhaps you settled down too young, but I don’t think this is an age gap issue. This is a ‘being a parent and changing your life to fit that before you are ready to be’ issue

I don’t think the age gap is the problem, but the fact that you only worked for a few years after graduating. Meanwhile, those that stuck it out will likely be building more equal couple relationships. Your financial situation buys you a lot of choice, for example you could move back to London, take a post graduate qualification part time or do some voluntary work.

Many moons ago I had a relationship with someone 9 years older. We had the marriage/kids conversation and he really surprised me by saying he'd had longer out in the world to get career etc established so he'd be happy to defer and be at home/maybe part time so I could work on my career. He turned out to be a prick in very many other respects though so it didn't happen

Was it actually a joint decision that you'd become a SAHM to your kids, or was it his assumption and you went along with it?

You need to go back to work, either in the field you were in before or re-train. Even something part-time.

Some of the 30 yo's knew back then will probably begin having children now and you will be more in tune with their lives. No matter who you are in a relationship with, if you are adamant that you want to be at home with your children full-time, then you will always feel you're missing out because you won't have the rewarding challenge of building your career and having your own life as such.

You settled down young, married and had children. You've married a man that's 15 years older than you, who earns a big salary and can provide for you all. The day you decided to have children is the day your life changed. You have to accept that you can't go backwards in life. You made choices, and those choices, regardless if you regret them or not, have now led to the situation you now find yourself in. You gave up for career to marry and have children, you state you are a SAHM because neither of you wanted your children to be in childcare. Again, these are choices that you made, unless your husband forced them into you?! The age gap has nothing to do with the choices you've made! You are also looking at SM of former university friends, and thinking they have exciting/perfect lives, but in reality do they?? SM is very much smoke and mirrors, what you see, isn't necessarily the reality. Ultimately, it boils down to if you love your husband? If you do, then you need to have an adult conversation with your husband about the fact you are essentially bored and unfulfilled. If you don't, then you need to start thinking about the future and leaving. If your husband genuinely loves you, as you say he does, then I'm sure he'd be upset that you are feeling this way, and would want to be supportive. So, you can't go back to your chosen career, as it sounds as if it wouldn't be compatible with family life. However, could you retrain and do something else instead? Then you may be able to find a job, that would give you a sense of purpose. Try to make new friends, lose the weight, start a new exercise regime. You can't go back to your old life, that doesn't exist anymore, so you have to focus on what your future will look like.

The grass is very rarely greener. It sounds like you have a very good life, maybe too easy, so you have nothing really to strive for. That can make things feel stagnant. I get it, I get like that too sometimes until I find something new to get my teeth into.

It seems like you're looking for excitement and perhaps a younger man.
If you split up from you DH, would you still be able to look after the children full time with no income? Or would you need to go back to work? What would your new set up look like?

Passion rarely lasts, but a happy home is priceless. I think it's time to stop fantasising and start thinking realistically.

Firstly, you don’t have to accept that you’ll be a couple of stone heavier now you’ve had kids. You’re only 30 and have only had 2 - you can very easily look slim and glamorous again.

Secondly, it sounds like you will eventually get divorced, either because you’re both miserable or because he’ll have an affair. So my advice would be to do it now while the kids are still little.

Believe me, it’s sooo much easier than waiting until they’re older.

I divorced ten years ago at 34 and didn’t regret it for a minute. I’m still slim and attractive and have had an absolute blast in my late thirties and early forties.

I'm closer in age to your DH, but when I was your age, I remember lots of conversations with friends about yearning for our younger years and 'might have beens'. Motherhood is a cataclysmic change and most people have to recalibrate their life balance. Not many mothers can have it all entirely i don't think.
Hitting middle age is an ideal time to look back and ruminate on what you feel you've missed out on. But it sounds like you have had a brilliant time and what you feel is lacking might be an illusion.
As your children get older, could you develop an offshoot of your former career? Or something new, perhaps through volunteering? There are plenty of charities across all sorts of causes that need trustees with expertise in finance, marketing, governance, fundraising, event management you could support. Most of their meetings will be held in the evenings so you could attend them. You could get an enormous sense of fulfilment by offering your skills and experience while making new networks/friends, and maybe a way back into work....
I find it hard not to regret some choices I've made, but I've resolved to try not to look behind me and focus on making the best of what I have in life. All the best to you.

'Living as if you're 40'

Oh.. OP.. no.. you're not, you're living like a 40yo man.

I say that because i have an ExH, who is a lot older than myself, not dissimilar age gap to your own, i was miserable, he was horrible, and boring, and abusive because he didn't like that as i hit my mid 30s i started speaking up more, and taking more control of what i did/where i went.

I left him when i was 36, and by the time i hit 40, with 2 kids aged 10+, my life began again. New friends, new social life, new fwb to play with when i felt like it.

I've had more fun, and more adventures as a single 40+ year old mother of 2, than i ever did in my 20s. it's only slowed down now as unfortunately i've become physically disabled.. but me and my other disabled friends still have a social life, it just looks a bit different and involves coffee shops and conventions rather than Night Clubs and All night parties.

What you need to do is decide what you want, because i had no choice but to leave for my safety,

Either try and put the spark back in your life and your marriage, or leave and remake your own life.

OP, life is a lot longer than you think. You still have loads of time to do stuff. Look at study or training you can do remotely while kids are at school. Get those extra pounds back off now, it gets much harder after 40. Spice up your sex life a bit. Stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and work on improving the grass you have!!!

why are people asking this? It’s the third person I’ve seen!! Is it really relevant?!

it's still easy to learn new skills in your 30s

It certainly is. I started my first degree when I was 30 and my son was nine and my career didn’t even begin until I was 34. The promotions came fast, not least because I was reliable and was never going to be off on maternity leave. You need a new career @Abcdefghno, something you love and feel passionate about. You’re incredibly lucky that money isn’t an issue so you don’t need to factor earning potential into your choice. Stop regretting the past and focus on the future.

It is a question very often asked here and the state of it does reveal how a relationship is going. Like literally, have you ever been in a sexual relationship with a man?

Do something via social media/ start a business! Stop comparing your life to others!

I feel exactly the same as you OP and there is a 4 year gap between me and my DH.

What you’re describing isn’t an age gap problem it’s a ‘settling down and becoming a stay at home Mum’ problem.

Don’t focus on the age. You would feel the same if your DH was 35. Being young and attractive and working in a fun, media job is full-on and creative and buzzy. Dealing with kids in suburbia, even with no money issues is…well…a bit bloody boring.

When the sex dries up, especially for such a young woman and reasonably youngish man, then many other things will get parched

Money is even irrelevant. We all live on some money. Do you want to live with this man?

Is not having a lot of money actually good? Why do you want to leave this and if you cannot earn even one tenth of his salary , that really means you will go on benefits...<??>

I despair sometimes of reading stuff on here

It's not his afe it seems, more the life you've settled into and wanted.

This sounds very rare! I'm in my early 30s too and only a couple of my friends don't have kids. And to be honest, they're really unhappy with their "young, carefree" lives back in London as they feel everyone else has outgrown that stage and is settled down.

I wonder if this is more of a nostalgia/rose-tinted-hindsight problem