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Original poster

WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

442 replies

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:05

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

OP posts:
wizzywig · 31/10/2025 17:42

Get childcare and go get your life back.

AlphaApple · 31/10/2025 17:43

You are living the life of a SAHM with small kids. That can be dull at any age. You need to take control, get yourself a job and career you enjoy and get on with making a life for yourself. Your H sounds like he loves you and will support you.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Your single friends might even be envying you as they face another nightmare commute through the London rush hour only to have to deal with creepy Barry from accounts.

I have a far, far bigger age gap in my marriage and it is not the defining aspect of our lives.

AlphaApple · 31/10/2025 17:46

Also, it’s extremely ageist and patronising to say “the life of a 40 year old” as if 40 year old women are all sitting at home knitting yoghurt. I was excelling in my career, travelling the world and learning to powerlift when I was 40.

Beeloux · 31/10/2025 17:47

The grass isn't always greener OP.

The alternative is leaving the marriage and becoming a single mum. I’m a single mum (28). From my experience, dating is much harder as a single mother. I was slim and attractive in my late teens/early twenties, men used to fall at my feet.

I’m still somewhat attractive but having children definitley puts many men off. I once tested it out. On one dating app I ticked ‘has children’, the other I left it blank. On the one which didn’t show I had children, I got hundreds of likes, the one which showed I had children, I got very few.

I have given up on it now and happy staying single. If you’re hoping that you will leave DH and will have a carefree life like your single, childfree friends your age, you may be in for a big surprise. Some of my friends who are single and childfree at my age have opened up about their worries about finding someone soon to settle down with and start a family.

Could you look into part time work once your youngest is in nursery/school? It will get you out the house and may help. I used to be a sahm and looking back I really do miss it.

CharlotteCChapel · 31/10/2025 17:55

I get where you're coming from. DH is 9 years older them me and when I was in my 20s and 30s the age gap didnt matter. Years down the line he's 70 and I'm 61 and I feel the age difference, I'm forever keeping an eye on him when he sleeps after dinner. A couple of times I've been very worried but he's fine.

pumpkinscake · 31/10/2025 17:56

I would just go back to work, that's the best way to build your self esteem in my view.

Itworkedout · 31/10/2025 17:56

You sound bored. Marriage is hard work. I’d look at dating each other again so you’re not just mummy. Have some fun and go out and get some hobbies. Maybe even working part time would help. You need some things for you op. I wouldn’t compare to others noone’s life is perfect.

pumpkinscake · 31/10/2025 17:57

pumpkinscake · 31/10/2025 17:56

I would just go back to work, that's the best way to build your self esteem in my view.

I have a 10 year gap. my DH is retired now and I'm still working, and very glad to be out and about in the labour force.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/10/2025 18:00

You could just as easily be here bemoaning your lot that your hoped for career didn't pan out, you can't afford to keep living in London on the admin salary you got when having to scrape together enough money for a room during covid and haven't been able to get a decent job offer since - and now the young/fit/whatever bloke you've been seeing has told you that what you bring to the table in terms of lifestyle, money or aspiration isn't adequate for a man in his 'position' and has taken up with a recent graduate.

You had fun, you met somebody who loved you, wanted to marry you, wanted children with you, supports you financially and you are secure.

I get that secure doesn't give the same adrenaline rush as risky, does-he-love-me, will-he-call, never mind, here's another one to sneak around with, drinking/substances/financial instability/avoiding bailiffs/whatever, but the problem is that you are bored because you don't do anything for personal intellectual stimulation and you don't feel 'seen' as you would have been in your early twenties.

Get a job. It's not as though you're being forced to by the jobcentre as a condition of receiving just enough money to keep you in a crappy flat with mould on the back wall, you can pick stuff and stay or go if you don't like something. You'll get adults to talk to, you'll be out without little ones constantly on at you, you'll have something else to think about and maybe talk about and it'll make you more interesting as a person now.

No reason why you can't also look at eating healthier and getting exercise in a more social setting as well - gym, swimming, dance, running, kickboxing, whatever. Another time to be you and not Mummy.

You can't turn back time - keeping on about what could have been if you hadn't settled for a wealthy, attractive man who loved/loves you is as pointless as keeping on about the fact that if it hadn't been for Covid, you'd be able to be traded in for a new, fresh model in TV now instead of - and this is where the quiet bit is said out loud - not being stuck with two kids.

OhDearMuriel · 31/10/2025 18:01

Be careful what you wish for.

The grass more often than not is not greener on the other side.
You do sound quite self-centered and naive.

OldBalkanNationalistGrumpy · 31/10/2025 18:02

What is the sex like, OP?

Mumofoneandone · 31/10/2025 18:05

I'm married to someone with a much bigger age gap than that and it just works. We also have youngish children ....... I applaud you for wanting to stay at home with children. I did this too but always intended to find some work once the children were in school. However life didn't quite work that way.
FWIW I've got a chronic illness which has a bigger impact on our life than my DHs age. I don't have to worry about finances too much (can't work) but would like to have a purpose in life......it maybe that you need to find a new passion that can fit around the children but gives you an outlet for you. Could you look at some sort of studying, adult classes, volunteering.......

Pushmepullu · 31/10/2025 18:08

Same gap between DH and me. Married for 41 years now, when I was 22. It’s about compromise and adapting as you go along. So you agreed you would be a sahm, it’s not working out for you. It didn’t for me. I was so bored playing action man and Lego that I took to taking DC swimming every day just to get out. I found a little pt job that was a little more fulfilling until DC went to school then I found something else. It may not have been exactly what I wanted but I compromised. Then when DC was old enough to come home to an empty house I did another job that was closer to what I wanted to do. Like you I moved away from my friends but I made new ones and I never envied any of them because we were at different stages. Something I read on here a lot: comparison is the thief of joy and in your case I think it rings true.

Andregroup · 31/10/2025 18:08

The grass is not greener. You have an awful lot to be thankful for. The life of a single woman and the dating scene is not like an episode of Sex and the City at all; it can be really grim. Your life would sound like heaven to some people.

tenderbee · 31/10/2025 18:10

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:05

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

It's okay and not okay to feel this way.

  1. About your mates, it would surprise you that many are wishing to have your kind of life, I'm been serious right now.
  2. If there are no major issues in your marriage which I don't think there is any, it is really easy to bring life into things again.
  3. I think you married right, movies have deceived many of us to think butterflies in the belly, raging emotions and the rest of all that unsustainable nonsense are the things that make marriage sweet and last. I disagree.
Understanding, peace, respect and financial resources are much more important than all of that temporary feelings and you have all that! Count your blessings and hold them dear please.
  1. I think it's normal to add a little more weight after children, but if it makes you really unsettled, work on it, diet, light exercises?
  2. Gradually change schedules around your home to accommodate spontaneous activities between you 2.
  3. Have sex more often.
  4. Openly acknowledge & appreciate him to his face, in front of the children, when it's just 2 of you. Don't only appreciate him in your mind, compliment him, appreciate him to his face, it helps your mind when you hear yourself say it.
  5. Learn new skills, new hobbies maybe?

Overall, I wish you well. Enjoy your marriage, enjoy your husband.

MissKitty0 · 31/10/2025 18:15

If you have all this money and you’re unhappy with your body you could always have a “mummy makeover” surgery. I know someone who had this and I’ve had surgery before so I’m not against it. Stay off social media as it’s all BS. That’s probably why you’re unhappy. You’re comparing your life to something that isn’t real.

LAMPS1 · 31/10/2025 18:18

It’s an ideal time now, to work towards gaining some new skills or education to help you with a new career once your youngest is in school. Put the children in a morning pre-school for three hours so that you can do that. They will benefit from socialisation.
If you want to lose weight to regain your confidence, make a plan to do that too. Don’t waste this precious time of your life in regret. We all have periods of regret and disappointment but we have to keep moving forward somehow. You sound a little bit depressed and in a rut …and maybe you need to act to regain a positive sense of yourself.
Once you have a new dimension to your life, you might find your marriage shifting into a new gear.

Sharptonguedwoman · 31/10/2025 18:25

Ask if you can go round and listen.

Sadza · 31/10/2025 18:31

It sounds like it might be a problem with having lost yourself a bit. I think you need to find a job, a challenging one using your skills and connecting with new people. The rest of you life actually sounds quite good. Also comparison is the thief of joy, stop comparing and just appreciate what you have.

TheHillIsMine · 31/10/2025 18:32

It seems like this is all a shock to you. Did you not consider the future when you married him?

MikeRafone · 31/10/2025 18:32

If and it is an if, you want to lose weight you can, if you want to find something you can do for free that will for fill you, you can. You sound a bit like Ria in butterfly

YourAmplePlumPoster · 31/10/2025 18:36

You don’t lack for money so I suggest you get yourself an interesting hobby where you can get out and meet other adults and not feel isolated or some kind of WFH job.

MayeJane4 · 31/10/2025 18:38

Ok. Saying this as someone closer to your age, your husband is not old. I really don't think that is the issue.

I think life has chapters and you are hyper fixating on a previous one rather. If you reframe what you have said however it looks like this - you had a wonderful time in your early twenties, fell in love and now live a wonderful life where you get to live very comfortably indeed and be with your kids every day and actually enjoy every minute of their childhoods. That you did not have to date in your 30s which is usually awful. And have a successful marriage to a lovely man who adores you. And I bet even with a few more pounds you are still wonderful and beautiful!

That isn't to say marriages don't need work though. Can you focus your energy on your marriage and the now rather than in the looking back. When was the last time you and your husband had a weekend break away together or even dinner out?

Conniebygaslight · 31/10/2025 18:39

It sounds to me that you just don’t fancy your DH anymore so are viewing anything to do with him as boring. I married an older man, met him at 25, he is still the love of my life 28 years later. Yours isn’t.
I do think if this was a guy posting about being bored by his older wife he’d be roasted.
I think once you fall out of love with someone for whatever reason, you just can’t get it back, so I think you need to end it.

Comicalblackcat · 31/10/2025 18:40

Violetanddill has hit it perfectly. Try and bring some fun and laughter into your marriage. Do you have any hobbies that you could connect with volunteering this would get you mixing with different people who have a connection with you through your interests. My husband was 20 years older than me, I gave up a very glamorous career and I don’t regret a single moment spent with him there was no age gap for us, it’s just a number. Your husband sounds a lovely grounded man talk to him and let him know how you feel. Your weight seems to bother you so for YOU try to loose a bit THEN when you have got to a weight you like treat yourself to some new glam clothes. I really wish you both all the best I hope you succeed. 👍🤗