WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

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DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

Comparison is the thief of joy. It is trite but so true. How do you know others aren't wishing for your comfortable life where you have time to spend with your kids? No money worries, a lovely house?
I think you need some hobbies and interests outside the family - a sport, a book club, something just for you - as raising kids is a full time job.

It appears that you have moved from being 'in love' a transitory phase, to loving each other and your family, which is a more productive phase that mature adults inhabit. I am not sure why you are unhappy. You have friends and a lovely home and DC. You are regretting missing out on changing partners and unlimited sex and parties. I will tell you a secret: all that stuff is not as fun as it looks. And a 15 year age gap is not that huge. Cultivate some interests aside from DC - learn to paint, write novels with the intent to get them published, learn a new language...you are bored.

You sound spoilt and immature. Looks fade for everyone. Find some purpose beyond motherhood if that's what you want. Nobody is stopping you. Do a course or get a part time job. Grow up.

Being blunt OP, it sounds like you've had it really good and really easy. I'm not saying it to be unkind, but you sound like you need a reality check.

Most people would kill to be in your position. If the worst thing you can say about your life, is that you're vaguely unfilled and the spark has gone from your relationship after being together years, you should be happily counting your blessings, and not comparing your life to that of other people.

Your problems are fixable. If your partner is one of the good ones, as it seems he is, there are things you can do to improve the relationship. As for feeling unfulfilled, when the children are at school, you can find something you are interested in / passionate about - you have the luxury of it not even needing to be a paid role! The opportunities are limitless. Most fewer have so much less agency in their lives, and so much less opportunity to do the things that make them happy.

You could do something new: a part-time course, p-t job - sounds like you need to carve out a life of your own. You’re in a great position - it doesn’t matter how much or how little you earn - you can do something that you enjoy. Sounds like you need a change. Good luck!

First thing i think is how very fortunate you are being a stay at home mum, i,ve always had to work around the clock to pay a heavy mortgage, that comes with huge sacrifice to child and self so look at it that way you have p r e c i o u s time with the kids and not been worked every hour x

The grass is always greener. Your friends living the single life might well be envious of you being settled with what sounds like a good man who is providing well for you and your children.

I don't think this is about your marriage, I think it is about not having an identity outside of being a mum in your current life. I remember feeling that way when my children were small and I was a SAHM.

I would say that although your children's wellbeing is important, so is yours. I'd start making plans for a new career. You are still young! Work out what you would like to do and plan how you can achieve that. I think you'd feel much better with something to look forward to. It sounds like you have the luxury of not having to worry too much about it making good money.

Stop looking backwards and start looking forwards.

You've done it all at a very young age . Im much much older than you ( 60s) and that young to settle l, even in my day. You sound very discontented. I think you seriously need to think what you want out of life before you make any further decisions. You sound impulsive.

Better men?? Better than your own?? I think you should be counting your blessings

OP I had my first child mid 30s and my second in my 49s and I feel like you when I look at people I know having a different life, that’s not age related, it’s the reality of motherhood hitting you square in the face. Social media makes it seem so much worse because it’s always that perfect photo and envy does take over when you’re sat in on a Saturday night watching cartoons not even strictly and thinking everyone else is out having a ball.

Theres a lot you can be doing before you walk away from it all. The romantic phase of marriage settles down with kids and responsibility, it changes into a more boring domesticated phase but if you still get on and have feelings for each other (might not be the list you once had) then there’s something to work on if you want to.

leaving’s of course an option but you still won’t have the carefree lifestyle your single pals do. I spoke recently to a beautiful young woman of 30 who was lamenting her lack of love and children in her life and how she felt she was never going to get the chance of a family. Her insta doesn’t give any of that away. The grass is always greener.

for your own sanity get a part time job, put your kids into nursery, you’ll be doing them a favour and yourself too. Frame it to your husband as for your own sanity too if he doesn’t like it then get him to stay home the hours you work. Being loaded with multiple foreign holidays isn’t essential.

Work on what’s within your reach before making huge drastic choices, you’ll always look on others lives as being more interesting anyway

Grass isn't greener on the other side, grass is greener where you water it. I dont think this is about the age gap. It's about you yearning a past life. I do think you are making alot of excuses and assumptions about what you can't do and actually sounds like you're in a very privileged position to do whatever you want - should you want to start working again. I left London 7 years ago, moved away for DH job, became a SAHM (for the same reasons as you) but really missed my old life- after 4 years of not working, I now work full time (self employed) in my old field, fully remote with travel to London every month and earn more than double. Before I started doing that I did a post grad course in something different which inspired me to get back into my old career. I suppose the point I'm making is that things can change but you need to make the effort - stop blaming the age gap, just do something, take a course, start a business, learn something. You don't have to be a martyr to motherhood. I still do school pick ups and drop offs. As kids get older they want to do after school clubs. All your friends are probably envious of your life. And once they have kids they will be no different.
Now when I go back to London I hate it, (loved it when I lived there) - you couldn't pay me to move back.

You have everything to be happy, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Loose weight and get a part time job or do some volunteering.

Lose some weight and take a part time job in your old field if you can.

This. The grass is always greener. But you need to give your head a wobble. I have had to work to pay a mortgage and as a result spent a lot less time with my kids than I would have liked. I would literally have killed to be in your position.
As others have said, you are bored, and a bit spoilt. You have no idea how the others are feeling. A school friend of mine ended up in a similar position to you (except they moved to Singapore for the husband's job), she was the envy of all of us, going through Tinder nightmares, and struggling with money worries, dire flatshares, and/or awful work/life balances. You say yourself you wouldn't want to leave yoru kids in childcare. How many of your 30 year old friends with 30 year old husbands can afford that choice, whilst still keeping their lifestyle, do you think??

The cards are all in your hands. You are bored, and you have put on weight. What are you waiting for? Join a posh gym, and start working out. I started strength training 6 months ago in small group personal training classes and absolutely love it. It's full of women, and lots of them swan off for a coffee after (I can't I have to go to work). You will get your confidence and your va va voom back. Your relationship is perfectly normal. After a few years, that's how things evolve. But if you feel better about yourself and work on the relationship, it will pick up a bit.
Or join a book club, get part time work (even if it's volunteering in a charity shop!), anything to broaden your horizons. Or, start working in a local school or retrain as a teacher. Or look at social media courses like digitalmums, and do that from home. If you don't need an income, but want to do something, that could be an option.

And finally, don't over think your career potential. If you stopped at 24, you have really no idea how much potential you had, you only worked a couple of years! - everyone has high ambitions at 24, but very few people end up at the top of the pyramid. If you are not willing to sacrifice time with your children for work (which you clearly are not), then your career would have stalled in any case, even if you had had them later.

These years are tough but you need to start developping some interests beyond the children, which you can then build on when they go to school and are away for most of the day.

And by the way 15 years is not a 'shocking' age gap, especially now you are in your 30s!!

This. You need more in your life for you.. you need to find a way to make this work. Childcare is fine..and work on your relationship more. You have a great life and it's normal to feel like this with small kids. Its a really short phase.

Completely agree with this.

I badly think that comparison is the their of joy here and you have SO many ‘if I hadn’t’ and almost are imagining a make belief life. In my social circles and in the same age, nearly all my friends met their partners at University or the few years after, and so none of my friends same age as you are marrying. We are all married, with children. I’m a SAHM and plan on going back to work when my youngest is in school. You seem very all or nothing tbh and I bet even if you left your husband you wouldn’t find the things you think you’re missing. I don’t know any single men our age. All are married with babies or toddlers.

Taking money out of it, OP, how is your relationship with your husband?

Also agree with this!

It's hilarious that you think 30 is old and that you can't still be gorgeous. You're in your prime now! Honestly, I'm 46 and still pretty...🤣🤣❤️

Agree it’s absolute tosh. I’m in peri (yes I see an experienced gynecologist and have had hormonal testing) and I am 33!!!! Very young but still in peri ffs. Women don’t get offended we are told we are too young, we get offended when that’s used to dismiss us and gaslight us when we know our bodies have changed.

I was your age once, living in London, interesting job, active social life, boyfriends etc. I was also full of insecurities and not particularly happy. As others say, the grass is always greener….You’ve had your family young and this gives you an advantage: you can now reinvent your career and have lots of time to do this.

Younger side to have kids?! Having a baby in late 20s isn’t particularly young?

Going against the grain a bit here OP, but has no one pointed out that in ten years time you will still only be 40 and your DH will be 55?

If you’re bored and unfulfilled now, it will be even worse then.

I felt like this when I was a couple of years older than you - I didn’t really love my husband, I was bored and unfulfilled. I didn’t like my life.

I left and didn’t look back.

(Oh, and it didn’t ruin my children’s lives.)