WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

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DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

Very good advice

You feel stuck, and that can happen. I moved away for my DH job too with young kids. It’s easy to feel isolated in these circumstances. Try not to go down the “grass is greener” rabbit hole, Get some hobbies, outside of being a wife and mum, something just for you that you enjoy, one or two nights a week. You’ll make new friends that way too. Good luck x

I think exactly this too OP ..

Presumably your children will start school the September after their 4th birthdays, you can do what masses of other parents do and use wrap-around care or a childminder, or you can be at the school gate for 3pm, it’s up to you how you manage the school years - I was a single parent from when mine were 11, 9 and 5, I had three kids at three different schools some years, in a very rural location. I worked during school hours, drove them all to their various activities and to see their friends, and it was sheer relentless hell until they were all driving themselves around.

I’d suggest moving back to town before they start school, if your marriage doesn’t survive your current dissatisfaction at least you’ll be near people and things to do.

What does your husband want the future to look like? Does he similarly regret his life choices thus far?

As money isn’t a problem, get a nanny, retrain. We can all lose weight if we really want to. I think you are bored and somehow blaming it on your husband for being older. Count your blessings, get a grip, and take action!

Focusing on gratitude will help this situation. Really sit and write down every day all the blessings in your life. I'm glad you've reached out here because some will tell you the problem is your immaturity. I don't mean that in a horrible way, I have struggled with that a lot myself. I'm early 50s now and had to go through incredible heartache and mistakes to get to where I am now, full of gratitude for my boring, small life (that I love!). The glamour is over, you've got children. It's the next stage of your life. This is their childhood and they're looking to you to focus on them and be grateful.

The grass isn’t always greener it just looks that way.

TV is dead anyway as an industry. So even if you hadn't moved away, you might be career changing anyway.

I know several former well-established TV producers working on household name shows that are now retrained in their late 30s. Two as teachers, one who did a data science boot camp course and has become a data analyst for a big beauty brand, and another went into the civil service and now works in the transport department.

You have several decades of working life ahead of you. You are comfortably off and so have the luxury of being able to retrain in a new job without too much financial pressure.

Don't be so precious about child care. No one is saying you must leave them in a nursery for 12 hours every day but to refuse to use any is ridiculous.

What industries exist in the area you moved to?

Your children mean the world to you, so don’t ruin their lives by leaving their father whom they love. Put them first, they can’t change things but you can without leaving a good man who provides for you all. There is lots of good advice on here as to how you can make things better, but whatever you do, don’t ruin your children’s lives.

Your DH being in mid 40s should not be a concern unless he has aged really bad, which doesn't sound the case. Are you willing to compromise on your wealth to spend more quality time with your husband? Any workaholic would have to compromise on a number of things, including his stamina and time devoted to the family. You cannot have the best of both worlds unless you want to sound delusional. Probably a few good years of dating with no sight on end would have given you some perspective on how lucky you are

“All I can think of is how things could have been.”
When we do this, all we think about is a better life, when in reality it might have been a lot worse. Count your blessings.

Count your blessings and stick it out - many SAHMs feel like that at some stage - including me- but it’s worth it . That time goes by really quickly and is invaluable for their development and family dynamics. So many women in their thirties long for a husband and children and end up not able to have a family. And relationships are hard when children are little.

I agree with a lot of others. You are only 30 years old! You have your whole life ahead of you. I would re train and look into adult day or evening courses. You have 2 kids and hopefully for their sake you can work this out. Maybe some date nights would help? If u have a babysitter?

My observations are:

Put some effort into the situation like finding a job which will give you some focus and stimulation. Life with young children as a sahm can feel a bit stifling and boring.

Try to reconnect with your husband. There must have been something other than wealth and comfort that drew you to him? He’s only mid 40’s!!! That’s absolutely nothing, as you will soon find when you hit that age.

In short, these are the choices you have made and your situation sounds quite enviable in a lot of respects. And as for the whole “passion” thing, I am sorry to sound harsh but …grow up!! The grass is not greener.

I think what you’re experiencing is really normal. I think there’s a stage after big life events (marriage, baby no 1, baby no 2) where life just settles down and starts to feel a bit dull because you haven’t got that adrenaline rush of some massive new change. I also understand about the career, but I had my DCs in my thirties when I was much more established in my career and I still ended up in a similar position to you. I retrained in my forties and now have a new career which I love just as much. You are still young, you have financial freedom, you can lose weight and feel glamorous again and you can retrain and build a new career. And you will be able to put your heart into that when your old friends are dealing with pre-teens, precisely because you had your family young. Go for it!

Lots of great advice here that I hope will open your eyes to the choices you have available to you to make things better. And you not only can - but should. It’s not good for your children to have a bored unhappy parent, hankering after something better (even if you think you put on a good front to them and do your best to be a good mum). And it’s terrible role modelling to tolerate a situation you don’t like without making plans/taking steps to do something about it. That was my mother and I vowed I’d live my life differently (and I have). She became a SAHM in the 50s (when that’s what you did when you had kids) and she was not a happy woman. Also - surely childcare options in the UK are not that bad? I’m in New Zealand and my granddaughter had to go to nursery at 8 months when my daughter went back to work. It was a lovely place and she thrived there. Have you actually looked at the options available in your area?

I agree with others, you do need some kind of job or other focus in your life. I think you are just bored at the moment and need something else. Apart from that, count your blessings.

You made a choice and now you have your kids who you adore, but you also want the single child free life, isn't this kind of wanting to have your cake and eat it? You can't realistically have both... or are you thinking you want the kids but no hubby?

Sorry OP I don’t think you are being realistic, you have a husband who earns well. Several holidays a year, no money worries and you won’t put your kids in nursery. Either make a change to make things work for yourself, get a divorce and be prepare for your husband to meet someone else and he will have the resources to do what he pleases.

What age are your kids? Could you find childcare a day or few mornings a week to start exercising to feel a bit better about yourself?

I would have much rather my 20s have been in your position on exotic holidays with a rich partner! My now husband was a student in his late 20s we had no money, no holidays and it took years to buy a house.

You sound very shallow and spoilt tbh. I could guarantee your friends in your 20s would have gave anything to be in your position back then.

Early 30s is a pretty common age to reassess..your life is comfortable and its probably stopping you push to make things more fulfilling. You need to make changes but they would be hard - getting fitter or retraining and going back to work.
Lots of people think grass is greener on the other side remember as much as you are envious of old friends lives there will be at least a few of them envying you with a nice home, husband and kids

Maybe start a new hobby one night a week. If I had more money like you I’d join a pottery class as I’ve always fancies it but it’s bloody expensive. Maybe you’d make some friends who you have more in common with than the mums like a shared interest. You do sound bored but I think it sounds like it’s a you problem because your life sounds lovely

Honestly, grow up.

you have a lovely life with two lovely children, you don’t work and you have the finances and agency to do what you want to do.

all of those people that are settling down now are setting down to get what you have got.

this is a you issue and YOU need to fix it.

get a new career, retrain what ever.

put some effort in to your marriage and commitments.

you will feel better for it

I think it is quite common to have a bit of a wobble after having kids. I would start with how you are feeling about yourself. Get your weight under control, may be join a gym and/or some classes. You might meet other people who are more your tribe along the way. Try therapy. Consider doing some kind of voluntary work just very part time if your childcare responsibilities allow. As the kids grow up you will have lots more options. A second career is very possible in time. Don't panic!

With the best will in the world, you sound bored and like you need something to occupy your mind. Retrain, start a small business, get a part time job in something that really interests you (you have the luxury that the salary is unimportant). Anything that stops you blaming your boredom on your marriage.

This is going to sound very harsh, but honestly!! You need to give your head a HUGE wobble. Look around and see how life is for most. Grow up and count your blessings, because as I read it you’ve got a whole lot more than most.

Stop looking at others, comparing etc, it brings you nothing, concentrate on the life you have chosen and be thankful for what you have, build on that.