Breastfeeding needs a gritty reboot

[RightOrAMeringue]

Currently bf’ing DC2 who’s 11w old. It’s going fine, but it was still nippy/exhausting/difficult/annoying while I was getting into it again. I don’t think it was physically any easier than DC1, just I knew what to expect and didn’t over-analyse things this time. But, inevitably, the old algorithms have thrown up a lot of bf’ing kool aid, telling me (I didn’t ask) about how wonderful it is and how it absolutely is not to blame for sleep problems/PPD/anxiety/exhaustion etc etc. There’s always a footnote just to remind you that IF it is painful/not working/you hate it, it’s defo a you-problem and to “reach out”. To who is always vague, and usually will involve money.

AIBU to suggest we sack all the woo/ crunchy mama content and call it what it is: metal af? None of this “it’s best for your baby”; like, b*tch, we know. Someone not bf’ing their kid is not usually based on total ignorance, and to suggest as much is just internalised misogyny. Bf’ing is hard, it’s messy, it’s visceral, it’s a new skill your body is learning to do when it’s just been put through the wringer….can we just tell people that? So that when they inevitably get to that point where they’re hunched over a tiny crying baby at 3am, drenched in sweat, trying to put a nipple into their mouth even though it feels like 1000 papercuts when they do because they love their baby more than life itself…they can go “oh yeah, I was told about this”. Not “that smug influencer never mentioned this” or “I’m doing it wrong”.

The nhs needs to hire someone who can make some content depicting the reality of breastfeeding (with a good soundtrack, maybe Slipknot/ similar), and trust that women won’t be put off like they’re flaky children. They won’t be. People do hard things all the time - run marathons, physio, academic stuff, growing an actual human being and birthing it, be it squeezing it out your vagina or undergoing major abdominal surgery. They do it KNOWING it’s hard…BECAUSE it’s hard, even?? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe we need to start being more honest about breastfeeding and people will actually engage with the messaging.

I absolutely agree 🤘

On the other hand, for some people it is not a terrible experience, and reading your description might put people off from giving it a try. There has to be a balance.

I think plenty of women know that breastfeeding isn’t always a walk in the park and actively choose to bottle feed because of that.

I understand where you're coming from but if breastfeeding is painful then there is a chance that there's an underlying issue that can be resolved (e.g. latch, tongue tie, technique). I think there's some social groups where formula has become the go-to so breastfeeding knowledge has disappeared - my mum didn't breastfeed so I found the lactation class in NCT plus resources online hugely helpful.

Currently breastfeeding my 14 month old as I type. It's definitely a mixed blessing - when she first got teeth she definitely bit me a few times, she still insists on feeding to sleep and my evenings after 6pm are now a total write off. Sometimes I feel touched out and just want to go off to a pub and get a taste of pre mum life for a night.

I loved breastfeeding. I'm a huge advocate.

However, I think we have to be much more honest about a) how hard it can be to establish and b) how it's not very compatible with expectations of the mother's role in the modern world.

Bfing is much more achievable when it's the only thing you have to worry about and sitting on the sofa for hours is made possible for you.

For most of us, this isn't the case - we still have to keep the home running, everyone else fed, housework done, other children cared for. The demands are not realistic.

Couldn't agree more, OP. I'm months into breastfeeding number 2 and there is almost no group of people I relate to less than floaty maternal goddesses beatifically sharing how much they love the sacred bond of breastfeeding.

For me it's a sensory nightmare and I will be so happy when the time comes to stop. Both times took a lot of time, effort and energy to get established (not to mention horrific mastitis). I don't need to be told 'oh but it's so good for your baby!' (As if any other reason would motivate me to do this!!). I would like to be told 'yeah, you're in the trenches of something really difficult, aren't you actually completely fucking badass'.

I understand where you're coming from but if breastfeeding is painful then there is a chance that there's an underlying issue that can be resolved (e.g. latch, tongue tie, technique).

Tbh I think this message is part of the problem. For the first few weeks at least, it's going to be painful regardless. Best to prepare people properly for that. Eventually the nipples toughen up and it all gets hugely better, but that takes a few weeks.

I think I was just lucky but it wasn't painful for me. I don't think it's a universal experience but do get your point

And the other thing is, while I 100% believe in the benefits of bfing, the difference in outcomes with formula feeding is minimal. No harm in acknowledging that.

For myself, the less tangible benefits were more motivating. And I think it was (in the longer term) very good for my mental health. But that's just me.

Quite right. I remember the shock of starting to bf #2, it hurting like a bitch, and thinking 'but I thought I'd cracked this with your elder sibling - why don't you know what to do? Why does this hurt so much again?' Also, the pain from it making your womb contract down quickly - nasty.

I could tell from the tone and volume of the ante natal info about breastfeeding that information was being withheld, but having no experience, I didn't know what.

They could do an evidence based leaflet like they do for mammograms and smears I suppose. Maybe Netflix could sponsor it.

But unfortunately the positive outcomes are imperceptible at an individual level in a developed country so it'd be a hard sell!

Absolutely this. I actually found all the messaging about how it shouldn't hurt if you're doing it right really unhelpful. Of course issues like tongue tie and problems with latch should be investigated (and NHS support on these issues is virtually nonexistent in places), but I think it would also help to just acknowledge that sometimes it's just sore. With both of mine I had several weeks of soreness because my nipples weren't used to being vigorously pummelled 18 times a day. There was never anything wrong with the latch etc, it just took time for them to toughen up, but I was so sure we were doing something wrong at first.

Congratulations on your baby ! I agree with the sentiment of your post but when you run a marathon or do a degree people in the most part are cheering you on, 'you got this' etc, not offering alternatives or saying you're mad to keep going. With bf a lot of the time you will be told there's a perfectly good alternative out there so why beat yourself up?

Actually, no. It shouldn’t hurt, at all. There might be some nipple tenderness or sensitivity, letdown can be quite a fierce tingle like pins & needles, and the contractions in your uterus can be hardcore, but if you have actual nipple pain there’s a latch/positioning issue that needs resolving. Never just grit your teeth and hope it’ll get better, don’t resign yourself to it hurting for ‘the first week or so’ because that’s how mums end up with cracked nipples and mastitis, and babies don’t gain weight and before you know it there’s formula top ups and then it’s a slippery slope to pumping, bottles and so on.

Don’t struggle on thinking it’s meant to be sore. It’s not.

Maybe the breastfeeding mother rates would dramatically reduce if the NHS gave the ugly truth first.
It can be lovely, it can be dire, you can feel over-touched and in the pits of despair when baby only wants you and you are worn out and contemplating jacking it all in. Tell that to a first-timer!

This is nonsense.

It hurt at first. After a few weeks my nopples toughened up and it didn't hurt any more.

Its not even difficult to understand. Our nipples are not used to that kind of constant stimulation. Of course it's going to take a while to adjust.

It hurt me for 14 months with a tongue tie division and lots of pissing about with positions. Must of been a me problem, obviously not trying hard enough or reaching out enough 🤣

Of course it’s sore to start with. I breastfed for 18 months, there were no issues, but the first few weeks did hurt! My nipples we’re just not used to it.

I never found breastfeeding a particularly bonding experience and just wanted most feeds to be done with. But it was vastly easier than faffing about with bottles, and I didn’t want to trek to the kitchen in the middle of the night, so I persevered.

It’s not hard for everyone.

It was honestly the easiest thing in the world for me. I had not even a second of discomfort and I fed mine for a year each. I have modest sized boobs but produced copious milk and honestly, I bloody loved breast feeding. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life when I have had that feeling of intense calm and happiness - I put it down to hormones or endorphins or oxytocin. Whatever it was, it was bliss.

I saw two private lactation consultants, as well as having input from my midwife and health visitor, AND a peer support breastfeeding group who all said both of my babies had a perfect latch. The GP confirmed their views with my first that there was no tongue tie. The issue wasn't the baby or the breastfeeding, it was that my nipples were just sore. Within a few weeks it resolved.

I don't know where this perception has come from that it's simply inconceivable or impossible that some people might just find it painful to start. It's a weird kind of gaslighting, this idea that a woman must be mistaken about her own body. But if issues with latch, positioning, tongue tie etc. have been ruled out and a woman is still sore, we have to accept that it sometimes just hurts.

I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life when I have had that feeling of intense calm and happiness - I put it down to hormones or endorphins or oxytocin. Whatever it was, it was bliss

This applied to me too. The hormones were magical.

I'm so jealous 😅 I'm much more of a 'grit your teeth and think of England' kind of gal

You're speaking nonsense. Quite simply because any suggestion that anything involving pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding will be universally the same for everyone is nonsense.

Yes, breastfeeding can hurt. It doesn’t hurt everyone. Sometimes that hurt is an adjustment and sometimes it’s fundamental and will never improve, and sometimes it’s from something that can be changed.

Yes. It can be good and bad for mental health.

More realistic information would be helpful. That describes a range, what’s normal, when to seek support and where to get that support. The harder learning but less faff long term trade off.

I’d also very much like it if advertising breastfeeding support services was regulated or had a code of practise. In a similar way that formula has to avoid preying on vulnerabilities.

I'm talking about my own experience, I did not say it hurt for everyone

I bf both of mine until they were 2. Dd had a massive tongue and slurped- health visitors were always trying to give me advice about her latch but it didn’t hurt and she gained weight so it was ok. ds had the fiercest latch where it felt like he was going to shear off my nipple every time he fed- which was 5 million times a day. So yes it was painful and no there wasn’t anything wrong and yes it did get better. He was my second child- he gained weight well and was quite content. My nipples hurt- there’s no point saying they didn’t!