Breastfeeding needs a gritty reboot

[RightOrAMeringue]

Currently bf’ing DC2 who’s 11w old. It’s going fine, but it was still nippy/exhausting/difficult/annoying while I was getting into it again. I don’t think it was physically any easier than DC1, just I knew what to expect and didn’t over-analyse things this time. But, inevitably, the old algorithms have thrown up a lot of bf’ing kool aid, telling me (I didn’t ask) about how wonderful it is and how it absolutely is not to blame for sleep problems/PPD/anxiety/exhaustion etc etc. There’s always a footnote just to remind you that IF it is painful/not working/you hate it, it’s defo a you-problem and to “reach out”. To who is always vague, and usually will involve money.

AIBU to suggest we sack all the woo/ crunchy mama content and call it what it is: metal af? None of this “it’s best for your baby”; like, b*tch, we know. Someone not bf’ing their kid is not usually based on total ignorance, and to suggest as much is just internalised misogyny. Bf’ing is hard, it’s messy, it’s visceral, it’s a new skill your body is learning to do when it’s just been put through the wringer….can we just tell people that? So that when they inevitably get to that point where they’re hunched over a tiny crying baby at 3am, drenched in sweat, trying to put a nipple into their mouth even though it feels like 1000 papercuts when they do because they love their baby more than life itself…they can go “oh yeah, I was told about this”. Not “that smug influencer never mentioned this” or “I’m doing it wrong”.

The nhs needs to hire someone who can make some content depicting the reality of breastfeeding (with a good soundtrack, maybe Slipknot/ similar), and trust that women won’t be put off like they’re flaky children. They won’t be. People do hard things all the time - run marathons, physio, academic stuff, growing an actual human being and birthing it, be it squeezing it out your vagina or undergoing major abdominal surgery. They do it KNOWING it’s hard…BECAUSE it’s hard, even?? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe we need to start being more honest about breastfeeding and people will actually engage with the messaging.

any suggestion that anything involving pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding will be universally the same for everyone is nonsense.
Absolutely. By all means be honest about your own experiences but those truths put across as universal are generally the negative ones not the positive. It is often stated as fact that it will be agonisingly painful, that you will be tied to the sofa for hours of cluster feeding etc. It isn't difficult for everyone. And it's OK for all the range of experiences to be given voice

Maybe breastfeeding evangelicals don't mean it or don't realise what they're doing, but telling people it shouldn't hurt when for a lot of people it clearly does even if they're doing everything "right" is very unhelpful and comes across quite judgy.

I had a hard time with breastfeeding due to a tongue tie but literally everyone I sought help from gave me some version of "you're doing it wrong" rather than listening to me and helping me identify the problem. It was all "you should be feeding this often, baby should be doing this, this should be happening". Good of you to tell me what should be happening but how about you look at what actually is happening and listen to what I'm saying?

I breastfed until 18 months in the end, but the lack of meaningful help from so-called experts and so-called support workers with feeding coupled with the intense social pressure to breastfeed meant I had severe post natal depression until around 8 months.

Exactly. Breastfeeding wasn't perfect for me, but most of the time it was fine and I fed three children for around 18 months each. The lazy part of me absolutely loved not having to faff around making up feeds and sterilising bottles, and I also liked the fact that, if they were distressed or poorly, I could always give them some comfort that would also get some nutrition into them.

It’s hard and doesn’t work for everyone but is better for baby if it works but not a disaster if it doesn’t

I actually really needed this post today. Thank you.

It can be fucking hard. Having really good support is critical.

im in the U.S. and I’ve got money and education, which gave me easier access to certain pathways, though officially the paths are open to everyone. the way it worked for me is that while I was pregnant DH and I attended a free breastfeeding class put on by a group of IBCLC certified breastfeeding counselors. Then we had their hotline number to call 24-7 after the baby was born. When we had very big problems we did call in the middle of the night. Someone talked us through and then had us come to the office in the morning. They set us up with a very intensive plan towards breastfeeding success that started with syringes and tubing. We met with them daily for a couple of weeks as they monitored DD’s weight and transitioned us from syringes, to SNS. It was largely covered by our insurance and we paid a copay. Supporting breastfeeding was their full-time job, not something they fit in around other responsibilities or areas of knowledge.

Some people genuinely don’t suffer or struggle with it. I certainly did with DD, ended up in hospital for 5 days with mastitis / infection (nipple went black). It was not pleasant. Once established with DS1 though it was fine and I found it easy, but the first few weeks was hard. I started to express 100% of the time and then just tried him on breast at 4wks and he latched and no issues for 7 months.

The difference is minimal? In my case it was non existent. There’s no difference between my children and a child who was breastfed. Genuine question, what is this minimal difference?

It's a difference at a population level.

At the level of the individual woman/baby, there's no difference (at least on average).

All the negative impacts fall on the woman though.

It's a classic example of what economists call an externality: where the social and private costs and benefits diverge.

And even if there were a difference, you couldn't possibly prove it as there's no "control" baby.

Spot on.

Ah, I get it now. That makes sense!

Defo helped cause my pnd with my first so I totally avoided with my second and felt so much happier in a big fan if do what you want and don't shove your own opinion down others throats then we can all just do what's right for ourselves 😁

This!

My big gripe when I went to ante natal classes was how it was all pushed towards the benefits of breastfeeding, nothing about bottlefeeding (unless you stayed behind after class and specifically asked) and nothing about problems and how they can (possibly) be overcome.

If you are adult enough to be bringing a child into the world, you are adult enough to be given the facts. You should be told the pros and cons of both, how to express, how to safely prepare bottles, and what to do if you have problems.

I also think mixed feeding wasn't talked about enough - it was very much presented as all or nothing.

I was lucky as my mum breastfed me until 1 and she warned me about the realities of it, the discomfort, the mastitis, the horrible feeling of being your child's only source of nutrition. She urged me to pay for a proper lactation consultant as she herself had an amazing midwife, without whom she would not have been able to BF me. Knowing the NHS is the way it is now, I knew I would have to pay for that kind of support. It was the best money I ever spent, I would have 100% given up without her.

And for the record, the NHS midwives were beyond clueless about BF. It was actually shocking. One came over and pinched the top of my nipple and shoved it in baby's mouth i.e. the exact OPPOSITE of how to get a good latch.

I didn't really find it wonderful until the 6/7 month mark, when most British women have given up. Still BF at 14 months and it really is magic. It helps me sleep, helps us connect, calms him down, fantastic when teething or sick.

But in the early days, not giving formula just meant I was completely and horribly sleep deprived and no one, NO ONE, from my circle of friends could understand why I couldn't just go out on an evening and leave the baby with dad. Just shows how much ignorance there is. Most people formula feed so it never enters their mind that BF means baby is just glued to you for a long long time.

currently reading this whilst breastfeeding my biting baby.

Haven't RTFT but I agree.

I used to tell the young, vulnerable mums I worked with that I BF because I was fat, skint and lazy. Baby sucks the fat right off you, costs nothing, and I don't have to make bottles in the middle of the night or remember a bag and milk and blah every time I leave the house. Have boobs, will travel.

They responded MUCH better to that than, "breast is best". Because salad is best and they didn't eat that. They didn't think the 'best' advice was for them. It was for white, middle-class mums.

Whilst they are coming up with your suggested content they also need to refocus on some of their midwifery team not making you feel like an absolute failure and a useless mother for being unable to feed your child. 5 years on the way the midwife running my ward made me feel still infuriates me - I really wish I had complained about him and his treatment.

The UK has become extremely paternalistic. The attitude you allude to - 'don't tell them the truth, they'll panic / make the "wrong" decision" - is embedded throughout society, whether it's education or healthcare. I agree that people should be given the facts, good and bad, so that they can make their own decisions.

It’s hard ! I have 3 kids , first one was the easiest but I still hit mastitis a few times , second one was ok but she wouldn’t accept anything but the Brest until she was 4 , I had to literally run away from her at times . 3rd child was awful , she wasn’t putting weight , every tom such and Harry if a midwife and heath visitor had their own stupid ignorant opinion and they only got me in touch with a breastfeeding consultant after 4 weeks and although she was amazing all the bad advice had done damage I had mastitis 13 times in 18 months It’s hard , yes it’s the best , yes we need help and yes I would I still do it all over again .

Totally agree.

I was extremely unimpressed that there was a complete failure to mention the fact that a full term healthy baby can refuse the breast and scream the place down in frustration. I had every intention of bf DS1; he had other ideas. Not one single mw in Liverpool Womens could get him to feed properly in the five days I was in. My community mw was very helpful and told me he was just like her second and she bottle fed him, unlike her other two.

When I filled in the antenatal blue book for DS2 I answered the bf/bottle feeding question with the words ‘ the baby will decide’.

I do agree but a lot of women find bf very easy, produce lots of milk, have no pain or latch issues, baby feeds like a dream and on a schedule.

I’m in my 50s now and I still say that bf was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If I were a cow, they’d’ve shot me.

Yes, very aptly worded!

Yeah I would be so deterred if I read that description! I EBF both mine for 14 months each and found it ridiculously easy and simple.