Breastfeeding needs a gritty reboot

[RightOrAMeringue]

Currently bf’ing DC2 who’s 11w old. It’s going fine, but it was still nippy/exhausting/difficult/annoying while I was getting into it again. I don’t think it was physically any easier than DC1, just I knew what to expect and didn’t over-analyse things this time. But, inevitably, the old algorithms have thrown up a lot of bf’ing kool aid, telling me (I didn’t ask) about how wonderful it is and how it absolutely is not to blame for sleep problems/PPD/anxiety/exhaustion etc etc. There’s always a footnote just to remind you that IF it is painful/not working/you hate it, it’s defo a you-problem and to “reach out”. To who is always vague, and usually will involve money.

AIBU to suggest we sack all the woo/ crunchy mama content and call it what it is: metal af? None of this “it’s best for your baby”; like, b*tch, we know. Someone not bf’ing their kid is not usually based on total ignorance, and to suggest as much is just internalised misogyny. Bf’ing is hard, it’s messy, it’s visceral, it’s a new skill your body is learning to do when it’s just been put through the wringer….can we just tell people that? So that when they inevitably get to that point where they’re hunched over a tiny crying baby at 3am, drenched in sweat, trying to put a nipple into their mouth even though it feels like 1000 papercuts when they do because they love their baby more than life itself…they can go “oh yeah, I was told about this”. Not “that smug influencer never mentioned this” or “I’m doing it wrong”.

The nhs needs to hire someone who can make some content depicting the reality of breastfeeding (with a good soundtrack, maybe Slipknot/ similar), and trust that women won’t be put off like they’re flaky children. They won’t be. People do hard things all the time - run marathons, physio, academic stuff, growing an actual human being and birthing it, be it squeezing it out your vagina or undergoing major abdominal surgery. They do it KNOWING it’s hard…BECAUSE it’s hard, even?? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe we need to start being more honest about breastfeeding and people will actually engage with the messaging.

YABU. You need to do what is best for you, but please accept a lot of women find breastfeeding much easier than formula feeding too.
I certainly did... I found it way more stressful making up bottles and was so glad it was only 1 or 2 a day of the follow on formula from 7 or 8 months.

So absolutely true. I've breastfed for years in total and although in my vague memory it was all easy breezy, the first few weeks never were. A new baby feel like a stranger really! It's be nice not to be made to feel I'm supposed to float away on a cloud of bliss. The third time I did, but it was hard won via absolutely no expectations.

Breastfeeding was a horrible experience for me. Everytime my baby pulled away they had a big circle of blood round their mouth, expresses milk was pink with blood and I was told my latch was fine... even tried it twice!!

I found formula feeding much less hassle! Whack a bottle in the steriliser, boil the kettle, or lie in bed because its not my turn! Rather than the endless faff of nipple shields, which boob was fed from last, sitting right, relaxing right, pointing my nipple to their nose, pulling down layers of clothes, baby sucking wrong and needing to break the seal, cream on nipples, air drying nipples, time to pump, nipple shields, need to find somewhere to feed, feeding every bloody 20 minutes rather than hours apart... instead of scoop, scoop, pour, pour, rinse, chuck in some Milton.

And those lovely snuggles where I can actually see my baby's face abd look them in the eye instead of only seeing my massive tit lol

I put it down to the fact my nipples never changed. They always looked the exact same when I was expecting them to change with hormonal changes. Any Breastfeeding friends always looked like they had huge saucer sized areola with long finger like nips. All said never experienced pain beyond mild nipping so maybe that's what it was, my boobs didn't get the memo!

To clarify I meant tried breastfeeding with two babies! Not tried to latch twice lol

This was the biggest shock for me, by a long way: the way that breastfeeding made me constantly on call and unable to be away from the baby for even short periods. I totally thought that DH and I would be entirely equal parents from day 1 - and we were both off for the first 8 weeks, so it seemed very doable. I had not appreciated at all that there is absolutely no equal parenting a breastfed baby, and anyone who says that if he does all the nappies it works out the same can do one.

I breastfed both of mine to around 9 months and it was physically easy for me but I did not really enjoy it - and both times I was pretty desperate to stop when I did. I felt uncomfortable in my own body while breastfeeding. Looking back, I think I'd have enjoyed early motherhood far more if I hadn't breastfed.

I have a love hate relationship with breast feeding.

Love - i don't find it painful, if we are both just cuddled on settee it can be a lovely relaxing moment for both of us, if im not needing to go anywhere, if im alone or with my husband and I can just sit with my boobs out, it's all good.

Hate - I can't breast feed in public, I find it too messy and chaotic, I have a fast and powerful let down, if she moves her head someone may be getting sprayed.

I don't feel comfortable showing my breasts in public (absolutely fine with anyone else doing so, it's just a me issue) and baby won't accept cover-ups. So I've just given up attempting to feed in public, so now I pump (which i hate) and take bottles out or give formula.

Hate - messy in general, my bed often smells like sour milk and I have milk stains on sofa.

Hate - time consuming, some moments my baby is happy to go 2 hours between feeds, the next she wants fed every 20-30 mins and my day feels like it's consumed with feeding.

Hate - had mastitis twice early on

Hate - leaks

Pros - oxytocin

But ultimately I've found it a pleasant experience that i will miss.

But surely it’s the baby who decides how much they take how often? I would have loved for my bf babies to sleep for 3-4 hours between feeds rather than feeding every hour. Sometimes I felt I was pinned to the couch all day.

This. I do actually know women who only heard awful things about breastfeeding and almost didn't even try (cf also all the negativity about having children at all, which nearly had me convinced that I didn't want them).

I actually know loads of women who found breastfeeding easy. I did. And actually did find it so wonderful we did extended breastfeeding. I am aware many don't, and it mostly seems down to luck, but it's unhelpful either way to say ALL women find it difficult/painful/messy vs ALL women find it easy/wonderful/bonding. Neither is true.

I'd say that the messages I received are pretty balanced, or even slightly too much on the "breastfeeding is hard" angle.

I had such a love hate relationship with breastfeeding my first!

It was so tough and I was so tired. I am so grateful I could do it and I had a lot of support to enable me to.

But I posted a couple of times in a breastfeeding group for help, and wish I hadn’t. I was struggling so much with the lack of sleep, she was waking every 40 minutes and all the replies I got were “oh it’s natural to feed to sleep! It’s just what the babies need!”

It made me feel like shit that it wasn’t a beautiful experience for me all the time and I was resentful of it sometimes and all I wanted was a few hours of unbroken sleep, I thought something must be wrong with me because everyone else seemed to love it so much.

It's so different for everyone isn't it. To be honest, like many things with first-time motherhood this is what I found most difficult to contend with because I tried so hard to breastfeed both of mine and it didn't work. It was never that painful for me but my son was a ridiculous eater. And everyone said oh all babies are like that but then my second came along and I realised...no they're not. I had no issues with supply or pain but I physically couldn't stay awake long enough to feed him because it was so relentless - not least after major surgery. Number 2 was very mucusy after an emergency section and after a few days couldn't latch any more because she couldn't breathe through her nose. Maybe I could have tried longer but she was very jaundiced so I decided fed is best. I guess what I'm trying to say is breastfeeding is like every other part of motherhood. We are all so judged and criticised for our decisions when ultimately, we are all doing our best with the hands we've been dealt.

Am donning my tin hat to say I loved breast feeding.

I absolutely agree-like anything-that is it is not for everyone and that is ok.
My sister hated it and didn't do it.

My health visitor told me I would have been a wet nurse in days gone by 😂
it's ok to have loved it and ok to not!

Edited to say a happy fed baby is best and however that works for you is right

… which is their right @humblebea

It hurt like hell for me for all 4 of my kids. I served 4 months of breastfeeding for each of them, and then no more. There’s a limit to how much pain I can take. Oh yes but I must have been doing it wrong! Cheers for the victim blaming!

I managed it through gritted teeth, but it’s easy to see how it could harm the bond between mother and child when a mother resents a child for giving her such pain. What would it take for a health visitor to admit this? I think it’s worrying when they have been trained to be totally tunnel visioned in this area.

So much of the talk around breastfeeding seems to have been designed to make mothers who struggle with it feel like a shit, loser mum. Surely this isn’t a good thing?

Yes - I was always told that breastfeeding was amazing for bonding but it was TERRIBLE for bonding for me. Breastfeeding hormones made me constantly angry, ragey, irritated. And stopping breastfeeding - every time I dropped a feed I experienced debilitating depression. Even when I dropped a pump session I got the same response.

NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT ANY OF THIS. I used to suffer from PMDD so I might just be bad with female hormones, but literally no one even mentioned the mood issues with breastfeeding as a possibility to me...

Also, I have exclusively FF DC and exclusively BF DC, so I know these hormonal mood swings are from breastfeeding and not just from being postpartum. My bf experience has honestly been wild

I am one of those (that and other reasons)
I wish people would accept I WON'T BE BF as a full sentence. No negotiations, no attempts to persuade mothers otherwise, just NO.

The 'victim' of my choice has spent the evening doing cartwheels round the garden and playing swing ball with his dad.

We also have to acknowledge that there are just some people who can't. Despite lots of support, repositioning, checking latch etc etc, everybody gave up on me. It just wasn't natural for me, it felt awkward, and grossed me out. I just couldn't get it. My nipples were dripping blood from the off. I have very delicate skin and there was no way my flat nipples were going to cope.

So, yes, maybe the reality should also acknowledge that not everyone can it naturally and with ease, and that's OK too.

Breast feeding is great

Breastapo? Ffs that’s so offensive.

I fed both mine for ages during the cluster feeding bit. Like hours every evening! I am quite lazy though and just lay there and fed whilst reading books on my phone or watching TV. I'd have found getting up and making a bottle more of a faff! It was especially good with DC2 as I got out of alot of toddler wrangling. Obviously if it had hurt it would have been very different. Also DH had extended pat leave which made a huge difference with DC2 as I was able to sit and feed.

Yeah I agree my SIL didn't even try because she had been told how hard it was and no one in her family ever had. Which was completely up to her but having seen how easy it was for me and how much less of a faff it was than bottles she now is considering having a go with her next baby when it comes along!

I 100% agree with this. Breastfeeding is not for the weak.

I think they play it down so as not to deter women from doing it but telling them it’s going to be easy and happy and convenient is a lie that you realise quickly.

I would have loved someone to say, breastfeeding is hard, it’s toe curlingly painful, you will bleed, you will cry and you will want to give up, but it gets easier (until they get teeth) and there is the email address/phone number etc for when you need a shoulder to cry on or some advice.

That would have made it much easier to be mentally prepared

I’m replying to this in particular but a lot of people have - rightly - pointed out the benefits of breastfeeding in terms of convenience/ easiness/ less faff with bottles etc. I wholeheartedly agree with all that…but those benefits don’t come until you have the breastfeeding skill down. When I was in the first weeks with DC1, tearing my hair out about cluster feeding, sleep deprivation, my supply etc it felt like all these perks of bf’ing were behind a locked door, and I wasn’t clever/ maternal/ patient enough to open it. I really think that we need to face up to the difficulties of getting breastfeeding established, because unless people manage it, none of the benefits exist. And, no matter how it’s sold, how you sugar-coat it or avoid making people “ill” with horror stories (which….I mean do you know where babies come from?)….people WILL find out. They’ll try it and they will discover a bunch of people let them down…and now are nowhere to be seen to actually help them with the challenges they’ve come up against. It’s quite a serious problem. Not for the 1% of mothers who are still breastfeeding at 6m ( https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/breastfeeding-in-the-uk/ )….for the other 80% who tried breastfeeding and gave up. It’s a retention issue, not a recruitment one.

Im afraid that those who found bf’ing the easiest thing in the world (technically me included with DC2), whilst that’s lovely and has its place as an authentic experience, it is so far from that of the majority, and it really needs to take a backseat as a narrative if we are to get the 6w bf’ing rates up, let alone the 6m. Being ultra-positive and extolling the benefits whilst refusing to acknowledge the difficulties is clearly not working.

Completely disagree, i would say the opposite, bottle feeding is not for the weak

I tried with my first and I didn’t know before what a horrible and exhausting experience it could be. I did not know about pumping and the schedule and hated it. Also didn’t realise that it would be down to just me round the clock. Also my diet needed to revolve around it too. I hated it.
Went to bottle and what a difference.
with my second, straight to bottle. Both healthy and great kids.