Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

[cococream]

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

Would it be ok for the boy to slag off an older sister and call her a whore then?

Surely its basic respect for women

I'd assume it's because he's fell down the incel rabbit hole on the internet rather than assuming the op has made the whole thing up.

So you were 22 when you first met him, is that correct? He probably does think you are with his Dad for money, ask his Dad to put him straight.
The little brother thing is weird, his Dad is probably 13 years older than you, it's a strange way to view the relationship.

talking about the many many posts on this thread who did say that.

How do you work out the dad is 13 years older than her?

Can't see anything in the OP that justifies her being called a whore or such. There's also nothing she could add that would justify her being called out of her name.

No I don't think he should be thrown out, unless his views continue and get worse in which case I'd send him to his mother's house if it was me.

All female relatives deserve basic respect, he shouldn't be saying that about a big sister either.

WHERE exactly in my post did you read that it's ok to slag off an older sister exactly?

I am helping you, nowhere!! Literally said the opposite.

My point was that bickering and arguments between siblings are normal, and to stay well out of it, but same is not acceptable with a step-parent, or a parent full stop.

I said probably, though that would make him a young father at 26 when DS was born.
I would have confronted him in front of his friends, I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

May I just remind people that the OP has never said that the boy will be kicked out, nor that she wants him to be kicked out. She said she agrees with the punishment of grounding him and not allowing friends over until he apologises. A punishment his parents decided on together by the way.

Yet it’s still her fault according to so many on here.

Young? He could've been 17 or 18 when child was born. So if 18 would make him 5years older thanOP

why would he want a little brother role to his fathers wife? is that not weird and slightly off putting.

siblings and sibling like relationships would talk to each other, not have a family meeting.

you are blurring the lines, you are his stepmother not his sister. You cannot be his sister or in a sister like capacity you are in relationship with his father. I think your age and possible attempts as sister/ age mate familiarity will be part of the issue.

Maybe OP can clarify, if he's MC he could have been 36. 😆

Fgs I doubt she goes round calling him her brother. The point is that the role of stepmother isn’t actually defined. People have totally different opinions on what is expected or appropriate. Some think it’s being a parent, including disciplining and raising the child. Some think being a stepmum is totally hands off and barely speaking to the child. Some think it’s being a friend.

But this is not the OP’s fault because she wasn’t authoritarian enough.

You’d expect your partner to choose between you and his son? What could possibly go wrong there.

Regardless of the ins and outs of the wider issues, the lad's language and behaviour aimed at the OP is disgusting. No one deserves to be spoken about/to in that manner, whoever they are. The fact the lad is only 16, yet is using awful language to describe a woman, doesn't bode well for his future relationships. Questions: how old is the OP's partner? How long from splitting with his wife was it before he met the OP? How long did the OP and her partner date before moving in with him? Why does the OP's step-son believe the OP destroyed his parents marriage? Where has this notion come from? Another family member??!! Clearly the adults - the OP's partner, the OP and the ex-wife get along well and are working together. Has your partner sat down with his son, without you being there, and actually asked where his beliefs have come from? Has your partner explained why his marriage to the ex-wife failed? The step-son won't apologise because he believes he's correct, and unless he can be made to understand differently, then he's not going to change his views. To say that the OP and the step-son have a good relationship, isn't really true. The OP may have believed that, but this incident must make her now see, that's not the case. She's been politely tolerated.

Would you be saying this if it was her biological son? Would you accept that off your son and blame yourself for overhearing it?

OP not telling us the age gap.
OP, Were you involved in his care prior to getting withhuIs dad. Not many 22 year old know a non family 9 year old well and are friends with his mother and form a relationship with his father unless they are involved with the family some way, usually as a baby sitter or family au pair, not stereo typing Swedish BTW. But the gold digger bit and you destroying the oarents marriage and him living with father for better standard of living and you looking at the relationship with son as sibling type, indicates to me a level of wealth and a maybe a relationship that developed within the family dynamics, between you and your partner. Even if it started after they split up. I'm guessing you were employed to look after him at some stage. If you were external to the family and met after the parents split it's hard to see how you would be good friends with his mother.

I was using such abusive and extreme language towards somebody.I lived with including calling them a whore, a sex toy, a home wrecker, and then defending my opinion.When I was caught and refusing to apologize - i'm not sure I'd want to live there in the first place if I felt that way about somebody Ihad to live with

He has somewhere else to go and if he has such extreme misogynistic views about his stepmother, he can leave he isn't going to apologize for it. He has an alternative home. The op doesn't.
If that isn't an option, then his mother won't have him.

Do you know?I wonder why generation after generation of men end up misogynistic bastard ads because women like you defend them. Oh but he's just a child. Less than two years off being an adult and making excuses for him.

Women are actually responsible for behaviour like this. They don't stamp it out in their children.

Not necessarily. My partner is 10 years older than me, and had my stepson when we met. I’ve never been his au pair, or nanny, and they’d been divorced for 2 years.

I got on with his ex wife very well. It’s actually within the best interests of the child that everyone gets on and is able to collectively care for the child.

Why must she have been the family nanny? I took it to mean that she was 22 when she got to know her DSS, ie when she started the relationship with the dad. Why have you invented from the facts that she must have known the child in the capacity as a nanny/au pair before the relationship with the father started?

And why must she have been the nanny to now be friends with the mum? Theres absolutely no reason why she couldn’t be friendly with her husbands ex if she wasn’t a previous employee. In fact I’d think it was less likely that they’d be friends if the OP was previously employed to look after the child.

no I don't think its OPs fault at all, but at the of the day, there is a hierarchy to their relationship and pretending it doesn't exist and that they're age mates isn't helpful to her or him.

she's not his parent but she is an authority figure in the home and that its ok. That is a boundary that should be acknowledge. they're not mates.

Most teenagers would think in their bitchiest phases that their dads much younger wife who is always trying to pretending were sibling is a gold digger and most likely would say that to their mates. It is not right and absolutely his parents should come down like a ton of bricks. But none of it is even remotely surprising.

Don't think it even means that he doesn't like her, he just thinks she's a try hard. Obviously younger than his father in an obvious and embarrassing way to him at this age.

You can understand his thought process and how teenagers minds work without condoning his behaviour or thinking its OPS fault.

I think the punishment is not fit for purpose and will make things worse.
The important thing here is to tackle the underlying issues that meant he behaved like this in the first place. His parents should be highly concerned and are being naive in the extreme to think punishing him as they might for breaking a curfew or some other misdemeanor is sufficient to address serious misogyny and deep resentment of you and your role in his life. Equally so in believing a forced apology ever achieved anything positive for anyone.
Your H needs to sit him down for a serious talk covering a range of topics from his views about women to his feelings about the separation.
I hope he steps up to that and doesn't brush it under the carpet, because this is intolerable for you to live with, and it may escalate if not properly addressed.

The situation is that his father is with a younger woman and he is not living with his mother. That is bound to create strong feelings. I think what your dss said is horrible and misogynistic but I suspect it has a lot more to do with his feelings towards his mother and father and anger at the circumstances than with you. He may have also have heard other people talking about you along these lines as not all exes, friends or relatives hold back when talking about the new woman. I think your DH needs to talk to his son alone.

What does that mean? He stays with his Dad not Mum because Dad is richer??