Waterstones experience with disabled child

[Reasonswhy]

My child has a regressive neurological condition that makes her enjoy things much younger than her
age (9). We went to Waterstones today after a difficult medical appointment for a nice treat. The shop was deserted so it was calm and pleasant and my daughter headed for her favourite section, the young children’s books. She was enjoying looking at them when a staff member came up and said loudly “you’re far
too old to be reading them” and my daughter’s face just fell. I was so shocked, I wear a sunflower lanyard to alert people to a hidden disability, but even if she hadn’t seen that, surely it’s not right to comment on what anyone chooses to read? We just left
as my daughter was upset and I didn’t want to add to that by taking on the ignorance of the staff member in front of her and explaining the condition, but I’m hurting for her as it was meant to be a nice treat after a horrible blood test snd she walked away feeling judged.

I think she was just trying to be nice tbh
You could have used it as an opportunity to educate her on hidden disabilities
I'd not complain, that seems way OTT for what is just a sales assistant trying to be helpful (albeit, in a clumsy manner)

I'm really sorry to hear your daughter had this experience. We had similar when I took my autistic son to a Santa Breakfast. It was all going well until 'Santa' came over to our table to say hello. At which point 'Santa' himself told my son that he was too old for all this. It was absolutely awful - and I totally feel your pain. Who are these people to tell a disabled child what they should like or what they should believe? Do they understand the pain they cause?

Stuff like this will happen. And people wont associate you wearing lanyard as your dd having a disability. I have sen kids. Shop assistant doesnt sound malicious just clumsy.

I learned to deflect. So I probably would have reply -

'Oh no I love looking at these type of books. Dd is looking for one we can share together.'

With a big fake smile on my face

you’re taking this personally because you have a disabled child whose disability isn’t visible (you were the one wearing the lanyard, not her).
People, including children, have a wide range of reading abilities, regardless of learning difficulties or disabilities. The staff member shouldn’t have made the comment they did or assumed what was “age appropriate” for your child, although in their mind, they were trying to be helpful.

It might have been a gift for someone or you be a teacher looking for some new literature to use in your classroom. They wouldn’t know, they thought they were being helpful.

That said, everyone is free to browse and buy whatever they like. It’s understandable that you felt offended, but it’s best not to take it too personally and move on. Model resilience to your daughter and use this as an experience to have something ready to say if it happens again.

How is telling a child that she’s too old for the books she’s looking at helpful in any way, clumsy or otherwise?

Wearing a sunflower lanyard with a child who is 9 and on reins doesn’t in any way imply disability?

Come. On.

sorry I missed this where did she say she was wearing reigns?

It’s not the job of staff to interfere with browsing customers. And a bookseller is just that - someone who sells books. Which this one has just failed at.

Here (when the screenshot loads!)

Even if she wasn’t wearing them, plenty of children have delays or challenges that would mean they read below their age category. But surely a 9 year old on reins is a bit of a giveaway.

My son has complex autism. If the ear defenders, sounds he makes and stimming doesn’t give that away… I can’t help you.

Where does op says reigns?

She says hidden disability with op wearing the lanyard

The post above yours. I helpfully provided a screenshot.

Also, as I pointed out, even if there were no physical signs like reins (which there were), the child might “just” be cognitively delayed.

Some of us also can’t get that lanyard round our kids neck.

The thing with sunflower lanyards is that they don’t give any indication of what the hidden disability might be, it could be physical, sensory, a mental health condition or ND. If, like the OP, you don’t want to say what it is, (which is quite within your rights) it makes it difficult for anyone to know what support to offer. If anyone that gets an interaction wrong they are immediately branded as being deliberately nasty.

A woman who works in a bookshop discouraging a child - of any age- from reading? I find it almost hard to believe (not saying it didn't happen it's just WILDLY inappropriate)

As a parent I'd have rolled my eyes. As a parent of any child with or without any disability whatsoever, I'd be keen to introduce the fact that the world is full of people who make passing comments. Because it is.

Shop Assistants shouldn’t be making negative.’passing comments’ to customers. ‘That’s a really good book!’, fine. ‘You should be in another section, not looking at that book’ , not fine.
How about, at the checkout, ‘Is this top for you? I really don’t think it’s your colour…’ Would that be ok as a ‘passing comment’?

That's not "making conversation" though. Making conversation is "Hello, how are you?" or "Do you need any help with finding any books?".
Saying something judgemental is not conversational. This is on a par with people telling someone their child is "too old for a pram" when they know the grand sum of nothing about them.

I'm surprised at Waterstones staff. They're usually great people.

How is saying something rude "trying to be nice"? If that were the case, all that needed to be said was, "We also have books for older children over there" so that OP could go and look if she wanted to.

People shouldn't need to be educated on hidden disabilities. It is something anyone is perfectly able to read up on and educate themselves about.

Am bewildered at the posts saying this is a normal way to start conversations. You wouldn’t expect salespeople to behave like this in any other scenario - browsing baby clothes ‘oh those are too small for you’. Browsing crisps ‘oh that flavour is too spicy for you’. Browsing a car ‘oh that car is too fancy for you’. What on earth is the point in discouraging people from buying things in your workplace? The disability being obvious or not isn’t even the point. It just makes it heartbreaking instead of stupid.

Failed at? This poor staff member would probably be mortified to know what a commotion he/she has caused. OP, I get it was mildly unpleasant but you should let it go.

tbh - good! They should be mortified and then they hopefully won’t make such a horrible comment again.

its easy to say ‘oh I’d have said this massively witty comeback’ or ‘I don’t let comments like that bother me’ - well good for you! Often ND children sleep badly or have medical/emotional needs during the night, so parents sleep badly. Added to that the exhaustion of trying to get your child to dress/eat/travel/study/behave ad infinitum and you’re not best placed for finding the mental space to let mean comments roll off you or witty come backs.

I’d imagine the op was on ‘red alert’ for the morning - trying to get her daughter to the appointment calmly and on time, coaxing her through the painful experience and advocating for her to health professionals. She probably let her guard down in the shops and was enjoying a couple of moments peace and her daughter’s happiness before the staff member blindsided them with her judgemental comment that made them both feel bad.

Should we expect the staff member to know the op’s back story? No obviously not, but she shouldn’t be making mean/unnecessary comments to anyone!

Should we expect posters on here to know the op’s back story and respond appropriately and with compassion? Yes we bloody well should! Telling her to be more resilient or handle the situation better in a variety of ways is sanctimonious and uncalled for.

op - definitely contact Waterstones in whatever way is easiest for you and well done for helping your daughter as best as you can.

E. Nesbit, various. All the Little Women books. Anne of Green Gables. All the Mary Poppins. Noel Streatfeild. Secret Garden. Borrowers. The Alice books. Some Chalet School. Narnia. And really old - The Children of the New Forest.

I adored them and so many more. I'm sad that most children today wouldn't want to read them.

That is beyond awful. I'm so sorry

Perhaps you - and the Waterstones staff member - should make fewer assumptions, particularly if it risks leading to judgmental and unkind comments.

just a wee update: I spoke to the store manager who was incredibly apologetic, and horrified to hear his staff had told anyone, NT or ND, that they shouldn’t read anything. He said he will go over inclusivity training with her and has invited my daughter and I back to the shop to choose a book as an apology and to try and make his branch a positive rather than a negative experience.
thank you all for your help and solidarity, being a parent of a child
complex needs can feel really isolating at times and this week has been one of them so 🤍

To be fair to pp op didn't mention the reins until a number of posts in. I didn't know about carers wearing the lanyard until this thread (maybe this should be widely known but it clearly isn't).

However the staff member definitely sounds clueless and in need of a word on sensitivity.

Edit: xpost with op's update - nicely handled by the manager

I was quite shocked by this. When i read the title i initially thought that your child might have caused a disturbance.

I think the staff member’s actions were ignorant and wholly unnecessary. Why were they offering unsolicited advice on what age range of books your child should be looking at? Surely they should have the sensitivity to appreciate that there are multiple reasons why a child may have a reading preference that doesnt correlate to their actual age - and it doesnt warrant their comment.