Waterstones experience with disabled child

[Reasonswhy]

My child has a regressive neurological condition that makes her enjoy things much younger than her
age (9). We went to Waterstones today after a difficult medical appointment for a nice treat. The shop was deserted so it was calm and pleasant and my daughter headed for her favourite section, the young children’s books. She was enjoying looking at them when a staff member came up and said loudly “you’re far
too old to be reading them” and my daughter’s face just fell. I was so shocked, I wear a sunflower lanyard to alert people to a hidden disability, but even if she hadn’t seen that, surely it’s not right to comment on what anyone chooses to read? We just left
as my daughter was upset and I didn’t want to add to that by taking on the ignorance of the staff member in front of her and explaining the condition, but I’m hurting for her as it was meant to be a nice treat after a horrible blood test snd she walked away feeling judged.

They don't need to know. They just need to be aware there may be additional needs of some sort and not say utterly stupid things

I would definitely complain. There was no need at all to make that comment.

Ideally, with hindsight, you can push back on what she says without explaining about your child's disability. Something along the lines of "oh no, these are her favourites", "oh no we love Peppa". It's not about what the lady thinks, it's sending a message to your daughter that you're with her. Breezy, with a smile, just batting her comment aside.

I agree with you that explaining about your daughter's disability to a 3rd party is not appropriate, but validating to her that where she is is totally fine, in your opinion, is important for her to hear. And it's much more powerful for her to hear you say it to the stranger than for you to just say it afterwards to DD.

It's always hard in the moment though, and I'm afraid it gets harder as they get older. I had a similar thing with my teen paying money in at the post office recently and I just couldn't find the words.

I dont tend to bother with my lanyard /wristband for a hospital appointment though, because hospitals tend to be aware people may be ill. So that's pretty irrelevant

I didn’t want to divulge my daughter’s disability in front of
her as that is a major trigger for her and she was already upset by the judgemental comment so we just left.
Regardless of whether she did or did not see the lanyard on me
when she approached us, I still think it odd that she would tell a
child they can’t be in a section of a bookshop. We go to bookshops all the time as our happy places, and on the whole the staff could not be nicer, disability or no disability

I agree the staff members comment wasn't OK. At best it was clumsy and ill thought out, and at worst it was very rude.

However I would say it's useful to know who has the hidden disability so that any support can be directed appropriately.

I’ve never heard of a parent wearing the lanyard either, and I have a child with a hidden disability. I don’t think the practice is as widespread as you’re assuming.
I’d have also assumed you were the one with the disability.

A lanyard should not matter. The staff member needs better training. It is worth a call to management. No one has to be in any kind of trouble. This can be a learning experience for the employee and other staff.

wish I had said this at the time!

The lanyard is commonly used to alert others of a disability, and it really
didn’t matter in that instant that I was wearing it not her while she is on reigns and holding my
hand, regardless she shouldn’t say something judgemental to a
child, especially if she thought I as her carer had a disability!

People say all sorts of stupid crap. Go back, keep calm and explain it to them.
She needs to know not to do that.
If you dont want to go back email the customer service.

A nine year old on reins would alert to a disability in any case. I don’t think you need a lanyard in that case. The staff member was very thoughtless and more training might help. Lots of children don’t read to age level for one reason or another. Mine doesn’t and this would hurt them too.

I’m surprised at the shock of a parent wearing the lanyard for their child. There are many obvious reasons why a child may not be able to wear one. It can also be upsetting for the child to make themselves stand out from even more when they already feel different.

I often attach my son’s lanyard to my handbag when he can’t tolerate wearing it safely. I have many friends who do the same or wear it for their children.

The member of staff was incredibly rude, I’m so sorry your treat was ruined.

My father in law wears one for my mother in law who has dementia so it’s not that unusual. (She just throws it off)

OP, it must have been so upsetting for you both.

I’m 61 and love reading young adult fantasy novels.
I am always in Waterstones and if a member of staff tells me I’m too old to be in that section there will be consequences! 😏

The thing is, it's an incredibly dumb and unreasonable comment, regardless of whether anyone's disabled.

It's a shop, for selling things. A customer is showing appreciation of one of the items for sale. As a shop assistant, do you really say to them, "You shouldn't be enjoying that; it's not for people like you!"?

It's not just rude and uncalled-for (nobody asked her opinion). It's also absurdly bad salesmanship.

I love books and I read all kinds of things. I'll read any book I bloody want to, thank you very much. Some kids' picture books are actually very clever and witty. Why is a bookshop assistant trying to put people off reading?

Quite!

You think because the child has a learning disability they should just be spoken about as if they aren't there?

Another in the camp of not experiencing a parent wearing the lanyard for their child, and I work in a customer service environment which is very hot on inclusiveness. I would assume you were alerting people to your needs.

But the staff member was rude. It may have been a clumsy attempt at suggesting older age group books, it might have been because older children have been causing trouble in the younger section and they were unnecessarily rude about it. It could be they are one of those who thinks people should only read certain books at certain ages (in which case a book shop is definitely the wrong place to work!)

I'd raise it with the store but I'd go first for how rude the staff member was to your daughter, regardless of disability and then also express that "it isn't a common knowledge thing but sometimes parents wear the sunflower lanyard because their child can't. Maybe this is something you could include in your disability training in the future as it would help set you above other stores in terms of training"

I think the lanyard/who was wearing it is a red herring. The shop worker shouldn't have made judgemental comments regardless, and should not ever pass judgement on any customer. Lanyard or otherwise.

There are many polite and sensitive ways of enquiring whether somebody would appreciate help. This wasn't one of them, and I agree with pp that it would be good to alert the store management to this, so retraining can be done.

Sorry you and your DD experienced this, OP.

Many years ago in Waterstones I walked around with an expensive art book in my hand. I decided I couldnt afford it, so put it back on the shelf and bought a cheap SF novel. After I had left the shop a person calling himself the manager accosted me in the street and accused me to intending to steal the art book. He told me I was banned from his store and tht he had pointed me out to all the staff. I had a real "go" at him and reminded him that he had no legal right to make such an assumption unless I was caught outside with unpaid goods in my possession. I informed him I intended to make a formal complaint about him to head office and did so. I wrote to the head office threatening legal action unless I recieved a letter of apology. I got my letter and a £10 voucher. A few weeks later I received my grant cheque and went in to buy the book, using my voucher in part exchange. I was hoping the manager would appear so I could show him the letter from his bosses, but he was nowhere in sight. His ignorence of the law was shocking.

I've also never encountered the parent wearing the lanyard for the child. But it doesn't bloody matter. Not all children with a disability wear a lanyard, and there is no obligation on them to do so. The reins on a 9 year old were surely a massive hint that there was some form of disability. And even without that sodding enormous hint, criticising a child for liking books is just wrong. Conversation might be "Can I help you find anything?" or "What sort of books are you looking for?" or maybe "What are your favourite books?" There are loads of kids who are at a reading level below their peers, and one of the biggest steps to helping them is to promote a love of books.

Honestly, if you have the emotional energy, I would contact the bookshop, and suggest avoiding comments like this.

I love a good picture book and I'm 36!! I don't see how anyone can be 'too old' for a book they get pleasure from reading?

Literally speechless. What is wrong with some people? I’m so glad you went back and bought it with the voucher towards it too😊

The shop assistant needs training. I hope you find your daughter a lovely book somewhere else.

There is a lot of misunderstanding here about sunflower lanyards - there are 3 types, the person with the disability, their carer, and the awareness one which is white. The awareness one is worn by customer facing staff to make others aware that they have been trained to support.

Details here:
hdsunflower.com/uk/