Waterstones experience with disabled child

[Reasonswhy]

My child has a regressive neurological condition that makes her enjoy things much younger than her
age (9). We went to Waterstones today after a difficult medical appointment for a nice treat. The shop was deserted so it was calm and pleasant and my daughter headed for her favourite section, the young children’s books. She was enjoying looking at them when a staff member came up and said loudly “you’re far
too old to be reading them” and my daughter’s face just fell. I was so shocked, I wear a sunflower lanyard to alert people to a hidden disability, but even if she hadn’t seen that, surely it’s not right to comment on what anyone chooses to read? We just left
as my daughter was upset and I didn’t want to add to that by taking on the ignorance of the staff member in front of her and explaining the condition, but I’m hurting for her as it was meant to be a nice treat after a horrible blood test snd she walked away feeling judged.

I’d be surprised that anyone seeing a 9 year old on reigns wouldn’t realise there was an additional need of some kind, regardless of sunflower lanyard. In any event I’d have just made a comment in reply that my DD loves whatever the book was about. As a parent of a disabled child I tend to pick my battles, and a seconds long interaction in a shop isn’t one that I’d pick.

Staff member probably thought they were helping in an encouraging way i.e. you should expand her horizons.

I think by leaving you made it worse for your daughter. You could have just explained.

Complaining might result in training but it might also result in worse service as staff are too scared to mention or say anything to anyone.

You don't have to divide your child's disability. What's wrong with giving the assistant a 'look'?

A "seconds long interaction" can linger for life though.
My daughter chooses younger children's books as she has severe dyslexia. A comment like this would have put her off books and bookshops.

If it’s always been a safe place, why let one interaction with a staff member change that? People make mistakes, they make careless comments or can be clumsy in their choice of words - that’s always going to happen, and at times our kids will feel hurt. I can’t create a world that means my DD is never upset or hurt, I can help her learn how to deal with thoughtlessness.

Unless you have reason to think the staff member was being malicious, I’d let it go and focus on my child. There are other, more important, battles to fight.

My son has a hidden disability (sometimes not so hidden). Sometimes he can wear the lanyard sometimes he can’t.
When he can’t, if we need one, I’d wear it. Or my husband.
I’m sure when they were first introduced the idea was you, or someone in your party had a hidden disability. Shouldn’t matter who actually wears it.

Yes it can, but my child world is going to get very small very quickly if she reacts to every comment, or sees me react to every comment.

A comment left to stand might impact, but children have parents who help them understand the world around them and to explain and put such comments in their place. The best gift I can give my DD is learning when to stand her ground and when to let it go. The world isn’t going to bend for her.

There was no reason for the assistant to 'make a link' regarding the lanyard (I've not heard of this but will be aware in future) but there was no need for their rude attitude AT ALL.
Why did she need to even make a comment except for .'oh thats a lovely book' OR 'can I help you with anything?''
OP I would make a complaint about the interaction, asking that they train their staff to be aware, regardless if lanyard used or not. Explain your child's upset and that you didn't complain in store as bringing more attention to your child's situation would have caused further distress for DD.
I am surprised by Waterstones though as I've always found their staff aware / professional.

The lanyard isn’t really relevant as the staff member shouldn’t have spoken to any 9yr old who was looking at books for younger children like that. Such a 9yr old could have reading difficulties, be choosing a present for a younger sibling, etc etc.

The staff member’s comment was very weird. The only situation I can imagine a comment like that being made was as a dig at children messing around with the books, but as you’ve confirmed your daughter wasn’t doing this then that’s pretty much ruled out.

So, it was either a clumsy conversational attempt at ‘do you need any help finding the ‘right’ area for your child, or it was just rude and thoughtless. If it was a young member of staff, it might have been thoughtless rather than rude - ie staff member didn’t stop to think there might be other reasons for an older child to be looking at those books. Either way, I’d contact the actual store first, either in person or by email so the staff member’s can receive further training and hopefully so you can get an explanation and reassurance it won’t ever happen again.

I respectfully differ; my daughter has enough judgement, mean girl comments and general knock downs in life. Her safe space should remain that, and having read so many helpful comments has helped me understand why I felt so rocked by the comment, and my daughter’s face completely fall. I fight battles every day for her, the big gun ones: education, medical, but sometimes it’s the smaller ones that actually need addressed because they are the ones that hurt her most, so as a mum that hurts me most. I also focus 24/7 on my child.

it sounds like a real lapse of judgement OP. Saying that though, my friend is a manager of Waterstones and complains about kids going in and sitting reading books like it’s a library so maybe she was just grumpy! Either way I think it was a lapse of judgement on the shop workers part.

This sounds very out of character for a Waterstones staff member. They absolutely comment on what people read, they are usually avid readers themselves and the staff training encourages them to chat about books and share their love of them. This comment doesn’t fall into that category.

I’d also love to know where you found a calm, not busy Waterstones! Any time I’ve been it’s been really busy.

To

I agree that it's probably worth giving some "feedback" to the shop. A disability is just one of a thousand reasons that a child might be looking at books for a younger audience and the shop assistant clearly made a huge assumption.
(I am a 30+yr old woman whose favourite section of Waterstones is the picture books!)

However, I think how you handle your daughter's upset afterwards is way more important than the staff member being called out. Explain to your daughter that the staff member was wrong. She's not too old. Introduce her to some of her favourite authors and illustrators - they must love picture books if they're writing and illustrating them! Explain that not everyone understands differences and that means she is free to ignore unkind opinions. (And this doesn't just mean disabilities - people are also intolerant of others interests, opinions, jobs, lifestyles etc when they don't "confirm") And - and I think you already know this - but continue to go to book shops and buy books - even if it's difficult at first. All reading is good reading and your daughter should continue to get pleasure from it!!

You’ve had some harsh responses OP and I think some people are very caught up on the lanyard which is neither here nor there.

Definitely contact head office, it can avoid it happening again especially if DD is likely to want to go there again after an appointment.

You didn’t do anything wrong in the situation and your daughter sounds fab looking at the books with amazement - I remember being a child and thinking the library was just heavenly 🤩

I hope you get a voucher and DD has a great time picking out a new book.

The lanyard is completey irrelevant- wear what event you want.

The staff member was pig ignorant and downright rude.

Even without a disability it’s rude, with a disability it discrimination.

You need to complain. I would have not complained face to face as I do not like confrontation.

Ask chat gpt to draft and email. Insist on some answers and demand diversity and inclusion training for staff and awareness of SEND.

who speaks to kid like that!?

My DD has very complex needs including autism, ADHD, global developmental delay and developmental trauma with language and processing disorders - this approach absolutely does work for her.

A very small one in the middle
of a busy shopping centre outside Glasgow 😂not a soul in sight apart from us inside!

Exactly this 🤍

Her comment was literal judgement though?

regardless of any Sen, anyone can read and look at what they want.

I am sorry you and your daughter had such poor customer service. The member of staff reminds me of two individuals.

I use to work with autistic adults who attended Special School. One was lucky enough to get work experience in a local independent book shop. ( Sadly no longer there)

He upset about few customers as he was very abrupt in how he spoke to customers.
He said something similar to another child.
He also, directed a woman to a diet book as she needed it. He had no idea he was being rude.

In my local co op there is a autistic man who fills shelves. People often interrupt him asking where a certain product can be located. He comes across as very abrupt.
He makes noises and stims.
Regular customers step in and help him with other customers.

I am not excusing the upset caused to you and your DD and better customer training is needed for the individual who spoke to your daughter.

I would email or write to the store and explain the upset and suggest better training.

Regarding the lanyard have you got the one that says 'carer' on front that may be more helpful. They also now send out badges too.

I have my own 'classically Autistic ' adult child and can relate to your upset. After 30 years DC has learnt now admits he learns in a different way. Although, I sometimes still have to speak up.
In this situation I would of said ' We likes these and dont need any help'.

Terminology and attitudes have changed. However, words and thoughtlessness still hurt.

I hope your DD continues to find bookshops and libraries as a 'happy place'.

You are being very unreasonable.
You are wearing the lanyard not the child which says to others that you are the disabled person. People aren’t going to play your guessing game. You should have been upfront with the employee. Yes- The employee needs extra training, however you are not making it easy either. If your child can’t wear a sunflower lanyard then speak out. Just politely say that these books are age and stage appropriate for her and she loves them, you don’t have to disclose any more information. The employee would be mortified if they had known what’s going on.

Wish I’d said “we love these books and don’t need your help today, thanks”
hindsight eh? I was so frozen seeing my wee girl’s face fall I just couldn’t process what to say. And I’m normally not afraid to be fiery when needed 🤷‍♀️

Sunflower website clearly states the parent can wear the lanyard if the child cannot. I do not think the staff member needs to see “proof” of a disability to have the common sense not to criticise the choice of book section anyone finds themselves in.

I would have expected the person wearing the lanyard to have the disability. So perhaps she was steering your child to what she thought was more suitable material because she thought you did not have the ability to do that due to your hidden disability.