To feel hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items than she would buy for herself

[paintbynumberss]

My mum has behaved in some hurtful ways in the past so I'm unsure if my judgement is being clouded by past experiences of her.

I had £1.21 in my bank account today (pay day is tomorrow) and no food in the house so my mum kindly brought around a small bag of basics - chicken, bread, salad, juice etc - to tide me over until tomorrow. My mum is fairly well off (as in she has a couple of holidays each year, she drives a high end car bought nearly new, owns a good sized house in the countryside with no mortgage) but isn't ostentatiously so.

The juice she bought for me was Asda's own brand. I'm perfectly happy with own brand, it's what I buy for myself. It tastes the same to me, and I'm single and living alone on quite a low income. I don't see the point of spending more than you have to on juice. However my mum would not buy own brand juice for herself - she buys Copella or Innocent, depending on what's on offer. She is comfortable shopping at M&S for her food shop also, whereas apart from a few items here and there, M&S is out of my budget.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items that she wouldn't buy for herself? I would understand if she couldn't afford to buy two people branded juice but I know she can afford it. As I say, my point isn't branded vs own brand per say but that I feel hurt that she would buy her daughter cheaper items than she would buy for herself. I experience it as an insinuation that I'm not as worthy of the quality that she is. I don't have children yet but when I do I'd want to give them the best that I could. AIBU?

But the mum HAD an instinct to help: she went and got what op would have got had she been able to.

After my mum had an operation, my sibling and I went and got her groceries. She wasn't unable to pay, but we told her not to bother anyway: we wanted to help at a time when she needed it.

BUT we actually tried quite hard to get the brands we knew she has. We were trying to do what we thought was needed. I'd be really hurt if I heard she was thinking we ought to have got her what we buy. In our case there isn't necessarily the monetary discrepancy - but that's kind of the point: it's the op who has injected that as a factor. The mum might have just been doing exactly what we did which was try to be helpful and step in. We just thought mum wanted her groceries - not ours.

I don't think this is a case of reasonable or not. You're worried about money, and that wears you down. If you're feeling very low, then it changes how you see things. I'm exactly like this.
She might not have wanted to flout the fact she has money. She might have wanted to 'teach you' not to live above your means. I'm afraid I have no idea what she thought (and trust me, mums can come up with some pretty odd ideas)
I think I'd just have to let it go, and try not to resent her. It would be hard for me, as mine and me have history, however now she's elderly I try and just forget about the past.

@paintbynumberss isn’t coming back

@Blondeshavemorefun
I said that about 4 pages back .,,

Well she’s had 4 more pages to return 😂😂

If she's going to buy you food it should be with generosity. But how did she know you needed it, did you tell her? Maybe you're both in this together?!

It’s not a “theory”, it’s a factual explanation of why different brands of the same type of product taste different. A pp somewhat facetiously asked it to be explained like they were five. So I did.

whether or not the M&S brand is “superior” depends on your definition but f superior. I would always describe freshly squeezed juice as superior to concentrate for example.

the point here however is not can the OP taste the difference, but whether the mother knows she can’t. Because unless the mother is aware that the OP cannot tell the difference or in fact prefers the cheaper brand, going out of your way to pick up cheap versions of what you’d buy for yourself is odd.

She didn't bring you Asda essentials orange squash, she bought you juice.

I'd just be happy I wasn't left without even if it were the squash 🤷

@FastTurtle

no! You should be buying him caviar and wagu beef! Why aren’t you?

But picking up the very same version as OP always buys, as opposed to hunting out a version that is cheaper but hitherto unfamiliar to op and her mum, is presumably less odd?

Indeed, it might even be said she "went out of her way" to make sure OP had what she knows op uses.

It's not that I can't see why OP might take umbrage at this situation. It's more that I think that, in taking umbrage, it indicates there are other issues and feelings op needs to delve into that are fuelling her response to it, because, all other things being equal, getting given what you need when you can't get it yourself is a great outcome.

I’m the mum of adult children who live independently.
I don’t live near enough to drop things by, but in this sort of situation I would transfer them some money.
However I would be annoyed if they bought ‘’posh’ brands, I would expect them to get as much as possible for their money.
I expect it’s buying things that are expensive/not necessary that got you into this situation.

Completely agree.
Always a race to the bottom on MN.
Her mother has form.
I cannot fathom a situation where my children would have pennys in their bank account.

I would insist on giving them sveral hundred for an emergency fund, because I can, and I would never want them stuck.

My friends would 100% feel the same.

The OP has stated there’s form and this is obviously indicative of a bigger issue.

i also think there’s many circumstances where providing less than your own level of comfort is pretty grim and is the source of much outrage on MN:

Eating steak whilst your DC eat sausages (even though they like steak)

serving you’re self better wine and giving your guests crap

spending on premium cereal but only ever donating Tesco basics to the food bank

not allowing your cleaner to have the naice coffee

Jeez I was ripped apart once for saying that if my Adult DC are late additions to the family holiday and travel separately to me I won’t buy them business class tickets (if we travel together i do). I was effectively called Satan

I agree with this.

I'd definitely give some cash too.

But I'm not sure where the grocery shop is concerned that I would necessarily have bought different food from my dc's usual choice, if I knew what it was, just because I eat the different one. It's not as though they are in the home watching you eat it - and even then, my dc sometimes prefer different brands and I wouldn't think no, they must have the expensive one. I can't see the mum's behaviour really falls outside that. If I didn't know which brand they used, I would then buy my own preference.

As I posted above, I bought my mum her brands when I did her supermarket shop to help out after an op. It didn't occur to me to buy the things I like, as it was for her - even though I paid.

Every month or every so often?

I wasn't going to come back, because some of the responses have been quite rude. However, I would like to clarify a couple of things:

I do have a "proper" job @Yelrab. I'm a manager in the public sector, and I'm doing really well to have the job that I do at such a young age. I'm not spending being my means and I'm not making excessive purchases. Unfortunately being single and the cost of living is such that I'm having to live pay cheque to pay cheque at the minute and I had a few unexpected essential expenses this month. I am responsible and wise with my finances but as we all know, unfortunately sometimes unforeseen things come up.

My mum doesn't know what brands I use or prefer. I would understand if she was buying me what I like, but she wasn't.

She wasn't buying what you like but she brought you want you like....

When I was a kid, my mum used to use Stork Superblend (cheap baking margarine) to make my sandwiches for my school packed lunch, but always had Lurpak on her sandwiches at lunchtime, so I understand why you feel the way you do, @paintbynumberss.

Yes you are unreasonable and overthinking it. Your mum was kind without acting superior or overindulgent or overly critical. My mum would never have helped me out like that. I would have got a lecture on how to budget and live within my means instead. Be thankful.

You sound ungrateful.

She is doing you a favour - why would she spend more than necessary to do you a favour above and beyond what she spends on herself. You pocket watching her is weird.

Ignore the faux ignorance in these replies OP, I know exactly what you mean. My ex-best friend of many years, used to buy herself the fanciest bread/food items and then buy her child and DH Asda smartprice! It always used to baffle me if I was ever there when she was using these items as sure enough, every time it was the cheap shit for DH & DD and the finest luxuries for herself. Finances with her DH are split 50/50 so it’s not a case of her being the breadwinner, she’s just always been the type of person to put herself first, even before her own child. I was around a lot when her DD was a baby to help as she was a single parent and I frequently had to buy things for baby which she hadn’t.
My point is, people like this are usually the same in every aspect of their lives. Have you ever noticed this sort of thing previously ie: growing up?

Should she have brought round oysters? Cristal? Beluga?

If the OP is living month to month, I would absolutely want her to have an emergency fund.

I had a child living 15 minutes away from me in another part of the city, immediately after finishing university.
I would pass that way and would drop in treats like his favourite food, favourite fresh pastries etc.

Why wouldn't I, I'm his mother.
I wouldn't buy cheap crap I wouldn't eat myself, thats for sure.

I can see why he hasn’t learn how to budget himself if he’s had these many handouts. Particularly at 40!