To feel hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items than she would buy for herself

[paintbynumberss]

My mum has behaved in some hurtful ways in the past so I'm unsure if my judgement is being clouded by past experiences of her.

I had £1.21 in my bank account today (pay day is tomorrow) and no food in the house so my mum kindly brought around a small bag of basics - chicken, bread, salad, juice etc - to tide me over until tomorrow. My mum is fairly well off (as in she has a couple of holidays each year, she drives a high end car bought nearly new, owns a good sized house in the countryside with no mortgage) but isn't ostentatiously so.

The juice she bought for me was Asda's own brand. I'm perfectly happy with own brand, it's what I buy for myself. It tastes the same to me, and I'm single and living alone on quite a low income. I don't see the point of spending more than you have to on juice. However my mum would not buy own brand juice for herself - she buys Copella or Innocent, depending on what's on offer. She is comfortable shopping at M&S for her food shop also, whereas apart from a few items here and there, M&S is out of my budget.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items that she wouldn't buy for herself? I would understand if she couldn't afford to buy two people branded juice but I know she can afford it. As I say, my point isn't branded vs own brand per say but that I feel hurt that she would buy her daughter cheaper items than she would buy for herself. I experience it as an insinuation that I'm not as worthy of the quality that she is. I don't have children yet but when I do I'd want to give them the best that I could. AIBU?

@FastTurtle was this a typo?

I’m absolutely loaded but I try and buy my DS as much as possible

I have never heard anyone refer to themself as 'absolutely loaded' before!

And she worked hard for it. She doesn't have to give that lifestyle to her daughter. She's an adult and if she works hard, she can live like her mother. She should be grateful she bought her groceries. If i couldn't afford groceries, I will be grateful for any brand.

Wow. You're presumably not going to allow yourself to have pennies in the bank in future then, are you.
Assume next month you'll start either making more, or spending less, so you've not got to rely on your mum , who you'll possibly complain about.
Think about what you'd do differently in future, so you can be fully independent from your mum, if her purchases upset you.

"Scraps"

Like she brought her some mangy OOD fruit and veg the shop was all but giving away and a slightly mouldy loaf which was 10p to shift it 🤣

I don't know. If I had a friend who was really struggling and I decided I would buy say £30 worth of grocery's to help out. What would be best? Go to M and S if I normally shop there or got to Aldi which is right next door in my area and get her twice as much for the money 🤔 I think I'm going with getting her twice as much for the amount I can spend. Would get premium brands but would probably feel it was more of a help to friend to get as much as possible. I know in this case it's a daughter but as my ability to help isn't unlimited (and we only have the daughter's perception of her mother's income or outgoings) I think I would feel the same if it was my daughter. The mother may have had a particular amount in mind she was prepared to give ... and regardless of how rich or poor the mother is that is her choice and she may have felt that getting as much as possible within her chosen amount was best. 🤔

You don't seem to have read the post I was replying to, nor to my own post. You've picked up on one word and entirely ignored the point I was making.

Obviously we don't know the background, but based on what you've posted you're being unreasonable.

How well off your mum is isn't really relevant. She has presumably worked/ made life choices that have placed her where she is now. She isn't obliged to step in and help out, although when my kids get older if they were in your position I absolutely would.

I absolutely mangled my post and didn’t edit it in time! Here’s another attempt.

To be completely honest, OP, I would have sent my daughter some money to go and get a shop in; or, if she lived close by, I’d have told her to come round to mine and help herself to whatever she needed and wanted.

I would NOT take her a bag of basics, no.

There is always a first.

That’s exactly my thinking, I decided to answer as a mother who does help my adult DC with food. It’s all well in and good people answering who don’t have DC or only have toddlers but those answers are hypothetical. I actually do the shopping and I start with a budget and think how can I help my DS the most. I was a young teen mum and have been hungry I would have loved to receive a bag of groceries and i wouldn’t have even considered where they were purchased.

I'd be more than happy with the thought she'd helped tide me over.

No, no
I have
My point still stands

I also have adult (student) DC who sometimes need occasional help with shopping.

I buy them what I would have bought when they lived at home. I do an online Ocado shop and focus on purchasing the things that’s it’s hard for them to stretch to: salmon fillets, pine nuts, decent tomatoes, big jars of marmite and Nutella, basmati rice, lurpak etc etc

if my friend was struggling for money and needed a shop I’d get the same brand of essentials that I buy (bread, cheese, eggs, etc) and then throw in some treats.

the idea of loving and caring for someone enough to do a shop for them but then buying cheaper versions of what I would buy for myself feels like dreadful behaviour.

@FastTurtleI’m amazed given that you’re “absolutely loaded” that you have a budget for your shop. As a working adult I’ve never budgeted my food shop. I just buy what I need/want. I realise this is very fortunate, but genuinely I’m curious why do you bother? Presumably you can afford it so why waste your time trying to meet an arbitrary target?

I think this is so much deeper than wether your mum bought branded labels.
I would suggest talking to a professional counsellor about past underlining sadness and emotional pain that's clearly unresolved.
Carrying emotional pain doesnt go away without a healing process this will bring freedom acceptence and peace to you.

I don’t budget for my own food, tbh I haven’t looked at the price of my own food in years. I do however want to help my DS and I decided how to do this is set a budget and buy as much food that he likes from that amount of money. I have done a lot of thinking about how to help, how I wanted to do this and what I was prepared to do/provide. This feels the right decision to me and I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to help adult DC.

I also help my DS in so many other ways , such as filling in forms, helping him manage his money and giving him money, regular lunches out, twice a week meet ups, I bought him a flat too. Sometimes I do find it exhausting as he’s almost 40 and I do worry about what will happen after I die.

It would be interesting to hear from the DM of the original poster.

I think the reason for you having no money is important.

If poor health, especially escaping DV nobody would blame you for being in that position.

However if it is life choices, especially if you have had an affluent start to life with lots of opportunities, she must get feel that buying expensive things isn't really helpful in the long run. That it gives you no reason to try and be more independent.

It's not typical for a a grown adult to need their parent to do this. Obviously life can throw a curve balls and families help each other out,, but if you just won't get a different job/cheaper home etc I imagine she's a bit frustrated.

This.
I also wonder how often the OP's mum does this, she describes it as such a normal thing when it really isn't.
Unless the OP is a young adult student etc

Equating how much her DM/anyone loves OP/you with whether they buy you named brands or not seems kinda... materialistic...

Yes that's good in theory but do you actually know that one of the M&S brands OP mentioned is superior to Asda for any of those reasons? She says she can't tell the difference.

She was being kind! When we are adults our parents don’t have to do anything for us anymore if they don’t want to. My mum has never bought me any shopping since I’ve moved out, ever. I’d say she’s been really thoughtful here. Be grateful.

Shes seen what you usually buy and got that. Perhaps assuming you perfer that and bought what she she thought youd want not what she would want

Why are you so short of money? Do you have a proper job?

If I were you and had been given products 'superior' to those I would normally buy, I would feel somewhat embarrassed - and wonder if the donor was having a subtle dig about my standard of living. Just be grateful for the kind gesture.

That situation would be rather like being treated to a meal at a much more expensive or posher venue than you would normally use. It could make you feel awkward to be on unfamiliar ground, especially if you felt obliged to return the favour later.

Get a grip and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re a full grown adult, your mum doesn’t owe you fancy food (or otherwise). Be grateful and next month manage your finances better. Or go hungry for a day or two. Been there. It builds character.