To feel hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items than she would buy for herself

[paintbynumberss]

My mum has behaved in some hurtful ways in the past so I'm unsure if my judgement is being clouded by past experiences of her.

I had £1.21 in my bank account today (pay day is tomorrow) and no food in the house so my mum kindly brought around a small bag of basics - chicken, bread, salad, juice etc - to tide me over until tomorrow. My mum is fairly well off (as in she has a couple of holidays each year, she drives a high end car bought nearly new, owns a good sized house in the countryside with no mortgage) but isn't ostentatiously so.

The juice she bought for me was Asda's own brand. I'm perfectly happy with own brand, it's what I buy for myself. It tastes the same to me, and I'm single and living alone on quite a low income. I don't see the point of spending more than you have to on juice. However my mum would not buy own brand juice for herself - she buys Copella or Innocent, depending on what's on offer. She is comfortable shopping at M&S for her food shop also, whereas apart from a few items here and there, M&S is out of my budget.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt that my mum bought me cheaper items that she wouldn't buy for herself? I would understand if she couldn't afford to buy two people branded juice but I know she can afford it. As I say, my point isn't branded vs own brand per say but that I feel hurt that she would buy her daughter cheaper items than she would buy for herself. I experience it as an insinuation that I'm not as worthy of the quality that she is. I don't have children yet but when I do I'd want to give them the best that I could. AIBU?

Could it be that your mum was busy and she was near Asda than M & S when she was looking to buy? Maybe she didn’t want you to have the M & S food and really like it and then get into you into debt if you continued to buy it? Or you then start resenting the cheaper food you buy?

Yes I do buy cheap own-brand stuff for the food bank.
Why? Because that's all I can afford to buy for myself.

Not sure who said the original post that saraclara quoted - but I'd love them to come back and explain why I should only buy Heinz beans, Tropicana juices, DeCecco pasta for the food bank while I am scrimping by and buying Tesco value beans, juice and pasta for myself - beans and pasta in particular are all the same to me.

It was @GetThatToadOutOfMyHole .

And yes, it makes no sense to me, in a 'number of people helped with my £5' sense, and also disparages those who are struggling themselves, but still want to help others.

@GetThatToadOutOfMyHole We buy stuff for the food bank. I often get soap powder or liquid or washing up liquid because it's the stuff they dont get enough of and have to ask for. I may put in toothbrushes and toothpaste, specially at Christmas when they give out more sweet food. If I buy food no I dont buy what I have myself because they need food people can cook in a microwave. If I buy an expensive tin of meat it would be one can instead of 3 tins of meatballs. At Christmas I do the reverse advent calendar so I stock them up again for the post Christmas shortages.

Virtue signalling people buy what they eat themselves, those who have experienced poverty themselves know that is not usually the most help.

Where do these people come from, I ask myself? The contempt they showed for that original poster, over her really fairly innocuous question, was bizarre. I think they see the first one or two bolshy answers and it gives them confidence to join a nasty pile on. It shows me how a good proportion of posters on MN just come here to vent their spiteful spleens in the nastiest possible way to complete strangers, and make judgements about people they know nothing about, on zero evidence, where there is no fear of real comeback. They often appear to be seething with jealousy (“you’re so ungrateful”) under the veneer of moralism..

Or, as many have pointed out, her mum has noticed what SHE buys and went out of her way to get the stuff her daughter is used to and chooses for herself.

I would always buy my kids the best I could afford. I can’t imagine choosing the cheapest possible brand for them.

Judt say thanks to her and be grateful.

Spite aplenty here.

OP, you know YANBU. It’s hard enough being poorer than your friends and family without them making further efforts to keep it that way.

Fresh juice is hardly an essential. If I was broke I wouldn't be wasting money on any brand. I'd just drink water and spend the money on edible groceries.

But anyway, she got you the stuff you admit you use yourself. Why would she buy something different all of a sudden?

It's an odd thing to be bothered by really. So there's obviously much more to it.

When my eldest daughter was in this position I just bought her what she normally used. I never thought to get top end brands unless her usual buys were out of stock.

That might be a reasonable response but would depend on why my child was struggling. If would certainly help in instances such as: poor mental or physical health; young in a low paid job and had high rent, single parent or couple with low income and struggling with housing and childcare costs etc. However, if the child (as OP, single and no kids) had what would be considered an adequate income if they budgeted appropriately but were skint because they were spending inappropriate amounts relative to their income on non-essentials e.g going to the pub, eating out etc. I would only do as OP’s mother and give food shopping to make sure they ate. Would of course give generous amount as cash as birthday and Christmas presents for them to use for the fun stuff.

What many are overlooking is that OP said that she can’t even tell the difference between own brand juice and the fancy stuff. So if her Mum had bought her the posh stuff it would have been a complete waste of money!

It’s consumerism gone mad that people are conflating motherly love with how much they’re prepared to be ripped off for overpriced juice that the recipient couldn’t even pick out in a taste test.

I totally agree. MN can be vile sometimes, just like a group of playground bullies.
If I were the well off grandmother as described, where my DD was so hard up she couldn't even afford cheap food, I would take great pleasure in treating her and her family to some treats. Indeed, I would invite them to my own home to eat. The 'I must never, ever expect even a smile from my own parents because that is entitled' group on MN has really gone too far.

She does say that her mum has previously behaved in hurtful ways in her first sentence.

Oh look - another 'plop and drop' first time poster with no posting history....

If you were my DD I'd think you were ungrateful and entitled. Your Mum didn't want you to go without food so brought you some. She has probably noticed that was the juice you buy for yourself. Next time perhaps she just won't bother.

OP if i was your mum i would not have wanted to appear profligate and wasteful delivering you m&s shopping when you'd told me you were down to your last pound.
I also, as a parent of an adult, wouldnt have wanted to bail you out too much as long term it wouldn't help you, depending on the circumstance....
How often are you down to your last pound? Do you budget? Is there a chance your mum thinks you overspend or dont manage your money the best, and is hoping you'll learn from this experience so doesn't want to deliver a load of expensive m&s goodies on you?

Even if the reason your DD couldnt afford stuff was because she repeatedly chose to spend her money on the wrong stuff?
An old acquaintance of mine was perpetually down to her last £1 every other month. Yet the first thing she always did when money came in was book to have nails done at £25 a pop, and buy decor items for her place, new bedding, nick naks she fancied, stuff.

She wasted money all the time and just never seemed to learn to wait to book the nail appointment at the END, of the month, if she had money left to spare once essentials were paid for....

Yikes - interesting thread.

I think @paintbynumberss you are lucky that your mum bought you groceries to tide you over. Many people don't have a mum who would do that.

Yep! Hitting all the right notes too... daughter with not enough money to feed herself, selfish boomer mother who goes on holidays, buying own brand...

Oh look poster with a difficult relationship with her mother who has previously behaved hurtfully towards her comes on MN to assess whether she’s unreasonable to feel hurt.

Is called ungrateful, spoilt, a brat, a spoilt brat, entitled, rude, told to drink water, learn to budget, get a better job. Repeatedly. Spitefully.

No shit she doesn’t want to come back

If this was my own DD rather than 'an old acquaintance' that I clearly disliked, I would still want her to eat well. I would definitely also be talking to her about financial literacy, as I already do to the one 'spender' amongst my DC.
I thought you were going to suggest going to give a much worse example.

Yeah I know. Sorry I was just reiterating it.

Your logic appears to be that the OP should automatically be grateful for any scraps because some people have no living mother or no relationship with their mother. Do you always apply the same logic when friends or family or even others in war torn areas are struggling for whatever reason? There's always someone worse off so stop moaning.