Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

Her sister has put her in an awful position and is pretending that her niece not being there ruins the whole wedding.

Obviously that is rubbish because if the nieces presence was that critical they’d have agreed the date first.

@SpoilingTheWedding I think even if you ask him he might lie to them (say he says no and says later to them ‘spoiling the wedding never asked’).

So I’d phrase it as ‘birthdays are massive in his family and if I ask him, he will definitely say no. But here’s his number - if you ask, he might say yes to you?’

Give them the control and see what they do.

Jesus wept, not only would I not be asking him I’d be blocking my family and never contacting them again. You poor thing, a hideous exH and awful family.

In light of this my response would be:

1. tell brother to go fuck himself
2. tell parents to go fuck themselves
3. block all of them on everything and make room for better people in your life

Honestly OP, it is not acceptable to threaten you with banishment if you don’t ask your abusive, controlling ex for a favour to please others.

You could try the court ordered it and there is no time to go back to court and try to get that changed.

Yes this is exactly what I would do

“exH, my sibling is getting married and would like DD to be a bridesmaid. I’ve just been told the date of the wedding and it falls on your birthday. I have informed my family that our CAO stipulates that DD spends the day with the parent on their respective birthdays. My family are disappointed and have asked me to ask you directly. I am remaining neutral. Whilst I think it would be a very memorable and special occasion for DD to be involved in, I also understand the CAO is there to make things simple and predictable. Therefore I said I would ask you, but please understand there is no pressure from me for you to agree to this. Whatever you decide is fine with me.”

I would probably write something similar on an email and copy in everyone. Though maybe in real life that’s just too awkward. I’d just like everyone to see exactly what I’d written and to whom so no one can twist anything

I’d do this. You can’t win. It’s not reasonable to keep the lie up indefinitely. If you don’t say anything then you risk “my dd had the chance to be a bridesmaid and you wouldn’t let her” narrative from him. Best to be as upfront as possible - tell him the event is happening and you’ve told them dd can’t come as it’s his day but warn him they may get in touch - tell them he’s said no, or hasn’t replied or tell them they need to speak to him themselves. Nobody is happy but they can’t pin a big lie on you or call you obstructive etc.

I have an ex like this and family who think I exaggerated it all and he was charming.

I might tell them I asked him and he said no. But I suspect they may then chase him and then I look like the drama queen they think I am so probably just say absolutely not and if tell them they cannot accept this then they are telling me how little they care about their daughter. Frame it so they will look bad not you- it’s all about appearance with people like this.

No fucking way do you rock the boat with ex when if/when he kicks off instead of support you get shit from them too. You are worth more, you can stand your ground and not need to feel guilty, and if they fall out with you over this what are you loosing? Do they support you?

Is there any chance your ex will cancel DD coming that day as he has birthday plans? I wouldnt pretend to ask him and would genuinely ask him just incase he ends up rearranging later on and end up with DD on the wedding day despite all the trouble x

One of my parents always answers their elderly relatives phone so I can't speak to them without my parent knowing, if I go round because my parents live near to them they also come round and take them out so I don't get time with them.

The other on the other side of my family is bedbound so always has a relative with them, my parent tells me if/when I can go and see them, if I turn up outside of those times I get emotional abuse about how I'm putting that relative under so much pressure and they need a lot of rest, even if my parents not there, someone else will let my parent know.

If I cut my parents off they'd prevent all contact with these relatives, so I am holding on until those relatives are no longer around.

Sounds like them cutting contact would be doing you a favour! (If you don’t rely on your mum for support in other ways)

Don't think telling checkable lies puts you in a good light. Or on the high moral ground.

even if they didnt want to tell guests the date you tell the wedding party ffs

hope noone turns up

I've given my opinion. OP can do whatever they want.

Omg your family are so abusive to you OP, how dare they ‘gate keep’ elderly relatives, can you not sneak in at all when they don’t know you are going? They can’t watch the one that lives nearby 24/7?? What do u think the reason is they don’t want u going? Is it inheritance related maybe?

Re: wedding, sod them, just don’t go!!!

Yes. On reflection, that def sounds like a reasonable solution.

Your parents sound awful OP and I'd be trying to get as much space from them as possible. Weddings tend to put this kind of behaviour into overdrive so perhaps its a mercy that its only in six weeks time. I'd keep out of it as much as possible.

I agree with pps that their treatment of you could be why you ended up with an abusive ex in the first place. I hope you can get some kind of help to deal with this. Best of luck to you and your DD.

Oh dear god your parents are arseholes

I would suggest to your family that gatekeeping and isolating the vulnerable elderly might be viewed askance by a social worker or the police. If they decide to make your contact with these people difficult, you will have nothing to lose by calling social services and requesting an investigation.

Yep, agree with this. Just invites trouble with people like this (ex and your shitty relatives).

They should have told you sooner. Who keeps the date secret. They all sound like hard work.
I wouldn't risk rocking the boat with your ex. Not in December. You dont want any drama with him overlapping on to Christmas.

Wow! Wedding in December with no save the date.

I think your daughter attending as bridesmaid will be the least of their issues. They probably are going to have a lot of no shows.

Id 100% say you asked him and he said no. End of.
Your family are horrible. I hope your life gets easier, and happier once you can distance yourself a bit further from them.

In which case Fuck the lot of them and enjoy your future without them in your life

I'm so sorry. You have a violent ex and a family who believe his bs.
Personally, I'd already have gone no contact. You deserve better.
Let them phone the bastard if they don't have a problem with him.
Sending hugs 💐