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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

336 replies

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 14:53

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

OP posts:
456FTMCoffeeDiet · 29/10/2025 17:20

Say you asked him and he said no.

Alittlefrustrated · 29/10/2025 17:27

Please don't pretend to have asked OP. They sound capable of going over your head and speaking to him directly. You'd risk being found out. He'd love that, and their opinion that you are the problem, and a liar, would be supported.
I'd send him a message to say you've said no, due to the court order, but they are upset and might contact him.

nicepotoftea · 29/10/2025 17:36

Alittlefrustrated · 29/10/2025 17:27

Please don't pretend to have asked OP. They sound capable of going over your head and speaking to him directly. You'd risk being found out. He'd love that, and their opinion that you are the problem, and a liar, would be supported.
I'd send him a message to say you've said no, due to the court order, but they are upset and might contact him.

I agree.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 29/10/2025 17:36

MostArdently · 29/10/2025 16:54

My only opinion here is that your ex is a dick, your family are dicks and you are better off without the lot of them. I wouldn’t ask him because he'll just cause problems and your poor DD will be stuck in the middle. Who the hell doesn’t tell people the wedding day till 6 weeks before then expects everyone to be able to turn up?

Agreed, particularly not telling months in advance, someone whose daughter they want to be a bridesmaid and whom they know to be in a difficult court situation with their ex.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/10/2025 17:37

Elektra1 · 29/10/2025 16:12

Yes I think you are being unreasonable to refuse even to ask. I have been in a similar divorce situation and although there were many rows about whether the kids were “allowed” to attend their friends’ birthday parties on “dad’s” time (usually they were not), for a major family event something could usually be accommodated.

If you ask him and he says no, then he’s the dick, not you. If you don’t ask him and either tell your family you didn’t bother, or lie and say you did and he said no and that lie is then exposed, you look like the dick.

The ex is abusive. OP has explained that she doesn’t want to ask him because he has caused difficulties before around swapping dates. That’s why there’s a CAO in place - to make it clear who has DD and when, and to stop any opportunity for him to cause problems. DD doesn’t particularly want to go to the wedding and OP’s family are so controlling that they have known this date for a year and not told anyone until six weeks before the actual event.

I can’t see how her family can fail to be aware of the court order and yet they manage to pick one of the dates that’s a no-no. Parents are threatening to go NC if OP doesn’t ask, and they refuse to believe he’s abusive. And you think OP is the unreasonable one ?

tanstaafl · 29/10/2025 17:37

I mean, your dick family wouldn’t think of inviting your exH just to ensure your DD is there, would they ?

nicepotoftea · 29/10/2025 17:38

Myfridgeiscool · 29/10/2025 17:18

I’d keep it short, factual and neutral: which is the best way to deal with abusive people.

Under the terms of the Child Arrangements Order DD will be in the care of her Dad on that date to celebrate his birthday. She will not be able to join you for the wedding.

There's never any point in asking an abuser to deviate from the court order, they either refuse or you will ‘owe them one’. The CAO is in place to prevent this happening!!

There's never any point in asking an abuser to deviate from the court order, they either refuse or you will ‘owe them one’. The CAO is in place to prevent this happening!!

I think people are missing this.

Doobedobe · 29/10/2025 17:39

I would probably ask him half heartedly. Expect him to say no. Then communicate the no.
Then you have done all you can do. There isnt much else you can do and you have done as asked and the answer is no.

pictur · 29/10/2025 17:40

Op is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. This is how I see it.

a) lie and say she’s asked him when she hasn’t, potentially getting found out later on
b) ask him and risk him using it against her in the future
c) tell her family no, she can’t ask him and they have to basically get over it.

No easy solution. I would do C and to hell with them going NC or whatever else

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 29/10/2025 17:40

Hmmm. Why on earth would you continue to have anything to do with them? They don’t believe you when you say that your exH was violent (?!wtf?!), they know the CAO terms and that you’ve been dragged through court REPEATEDLY(!) and still planned the wedding for one of only 2 days in the whole year that you would have trouble having DD…and then threaten YOU will be ruining things if you don’t jeapordise what sounds like a shaky truce with exH? Who needs enemies with family like this? If you want to, you can pretend you asked and it was a no. Otherwise, how old is DD? If she’s old enough you could say to her that if she wants to be a BM she can check with Dad, as it’s his day to have her.
Tbh this would be the final nail for me. The threats and drama (making themselves out to be the victims when they chose the date!!)… not healthy to have them in your life. Sorry OP. YANBU!!!

ItsameLuigi · 29/10/2025 17:41

Pallisers · 29/10/2025 15:02

Tell them to contact him and ask him then. If he says yes tell him thanks and just so he knows, you would never have asked it of him. If he says no tell him your parents are batshit and you warned them not to bother him.

And I'd be very, very low contact with my parents if they took my violent ex's side over me.

I cut my mum out of my life for this reason.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/10/2025 17:42

Outside9 · 29/10/2025 16:13

There's literally no harm in at least asking. He may no, but at least you can say you asked.

YABU.

You’ve never been in an abusive relationship have you ?

Catstersdoggs · 29/10/2025 17:45

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

On basis of this I wouldn't go to wedding and not sorry about upsetting family.

Lillybuff · 29/10/2025 17:48

If they’ve known for a year, why on earth would they keep it a secret, what’s the point in that? Moreover why keep it a secret from you knowing there is a court order in place and it would need to be well arranged before hand not in 6 bloody weeks!!

Let the golden child have the wedding without you, sounds like you’d be dodging a massive bullet to be honest - they sound bloody awful. Anyone (even family) who sided with my abusive ex can sod right off!! I’m sorry you have to put up with this crap. 🤗

Elektra1 · 29/10/2025 17:50

Rosscameasdoody · 29/10/2025 17:37

The ex is abusive. OP has explained that she doesn’t want to ask him because he has caused difficulties before around swapping dates. That’s why there’s a CAO in place - to make it clear who has DD and when, and to stop any opportunity for him to cause problems. DD doesn’t particularly want to go to the wedding and OP’s family are so controlling that they have known this date for a year and not told anyone until six weeks before the actual event.

I can’t see how her family can fail to be aware of the court order and yet they manage to pick one of the dates that’s a no-no. Parents are threatening to go NC if OP doesn’t ask, and they refuse to believe he’s abusive. And you think OP is the unreasonable one ?

Show quote history

Yes I do. Ex was abusive in the relationship. They are now co-parenting. Part of co-parenting involves trying to co-parent. If the other party continues to be obstructive, at least you tried. As for DD not being bothered about attending the wedding: it is her aunt’s wedding and in my family the child would not be given the choice. If her father says no, he says no. Otherwise, she should attend.

hearts1989g · 29/10/2025 17:51

Surely your family know what he’s like and how you’d expect him to act. No harm in asking and if he says no don’t bother pushing it - you tried ?

Rosscameasdoody · 29/10/2025 17:55

Elektra1 · 29/10/2025 17:50

Yes I do. Ex was abusive in the relationship. They are now co-parenting. Part of co-parenting involves trying to co-parent. If the other party continues to be obstructive, at least you tried. As for DD not being bothered about attending the wedding: it is her aunt’s wedding and in my family the child would not be given the choice. If her father says no, he says no. Otherwise, she should attend.

Show quote history

I think OP is more concerned about him saying yes to be honest.

Inthebasement · 29/10/2025 17:55

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

Wow. That is beyond hurtful to you. I’m sorry that you were not better supported.
I’m assuming your sibling knows the arrangement with your ex, and did not take that into consideration. Thats fine, her choice, but not fair to pressure YOU to have to ask a favour of someone who has abused you to suit her decision.
I’d stand firm, say no, and maybe even consider whether your family are healthy for you to be around..

Elektra1 · 29/10/2025 17:56

Rosscameasdoody · 29/10/2025 17:55

I think OP is more concerned about him saying yes to be honest.

Show quote history

Sounds like she doesn’t much care for her sister then, which is a different issue entirely.

Aimtodobetter · 29/10/2025 17:56

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

Why not have your parents do exactly this - if he is manipulative he might actually say yes to them and whilst then they will probably be assholes to you about it at least you’ve avoided the other drama of running the wedding. You can sell it to them as - he has so much respect for you that whilst he will never say yes to me, he might say yes to you guys?

JustSawJohnny · 29/10/2025 18:00

I'm so sorry, Op - both your brother and parents sounds like absolute shits.

I'd be tempted to go NC but I fear you've had a lifetime of this kind of shit from them so they have you primed for accepting their vile behaviour.

Do you even want to be at the wedding?

Could you get DB to approach Ex, rather than you?

Could you send a message to DB along the lines of 'Unfortunately the arrangement for Ex to have DD on his birthday is court ordered and last time I dared to even ask to swap a weekend he refused to send her home. Maybe he'd be more likely to change dates if you ask? It's always a flat no to me. Here are his details.'

That way you put the onus on him and avoid having to speak to ex?

Maybe that's bending over backwards too much to meet really unreasonable demands.?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

nicepotoftea · 29/10/2025 18:01

Elektra1 · 29/10/2025 17:50

Yes I do. Ex was abusive in the relationship. They are now co-parenting. Part of co-parenting involves trying to co-parent. If the other party continues to be obstructive, at least you tried. As for DD not being bothered about attending the wedding: it is her aunt’s wedding and in my family the child would not be given the choice. If her father says no, he says no. Otherwise, she should attend.

Show quote history

If the other party continues to be obstructive, at least you tried

I think the bigger potential problem is that he says yes, and then uses it as a bargaining chip either now or later.

it is her aunt’s wedding and in my family the child would not be given the choice.

Given the way the OP has been treated, the short notice, and the lack of concern for OP's need to keep to the terms of the court order there is no obligation for either of them to go.

Notonthestairs · 29/10/2025 18:02

pictur · 29/10/2025 17:40

Op is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. This is how I see it.

a) lie and say she’s asked him when she hasn’t, potentially getting found out later on
b) ask him and risk him using it against her in the future
c) tell her family no, she can’t ask him and they have to basically get over it.

No easy solution. I would do C and to hell with them going NC or whatever else

I agree. There isn’t an easy answer.

If she lies and is found out (at any point in the future) she’s laid herself open to further abuse. If she asks he’ll use it against her. If she doesn’t ask her family will behave atrociously (and he will claim he’d have cooperated if given the chance).

Sorry Op - your family should never have put you in this position.

Viviennemary · 29/10/2025 18:03

Why not just ask. He can only say no.

pictur · 29/10/2025 18:05

Viviennemary · 29/10/2025 18:03

Why not just ask. He can only say no.

Rtft