Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

336 replies

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 14:53

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

OP posts:
ShiftingSand · 29/10/2025 18:55

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

So they don’t believe their own child’s ex was violent and they use emotional blackmail when they find out that their grandchild won’t be able to be a bridesmaid. Maybe if they contact the ex they will discover from his reaction that he’s not the person they thought he was.

HeyThereDelila · 29/10/2025 18:58

Your family sound abusive and controlling too; I’m so sorry OP.

Could they have chosen this date deliberately? Don’t risk a row with ex DH. They shouldn’t have put you in this position.

Douchey · 29/10/2025 19:01

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

Urm what?! I feel like id go very low contact with my family if they didn't believe me about something so serious.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2025 19:08

I'd just go grey rock with whole family. They sound awful. Make the most of your time with your lovely DD and let the wider family get on with their toxic relationships.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 29/10/2025 19:16

Suggestion- contact him in whatever way you usually would, and say-
’DSis is marrying on your birthday, and wants DD as a bridesmaid. Obviously she can’t as it’s your day. DM and DF insisted I ask, though.’

That way you aren’t asking so he’s less likely to withhold her. In fact he can potentially annoy you by letting her go, which might float his boat.
Worth a try?

RomComPhooey · 29/10/2025 19:17

AGirlCalledJohnny · 29/10/2025 15:39

Everyone (apart from you OP) sounds atrocious. Don’t lie and say you asked, it sounds like they’d be happy to contact him and ask themselves anyway. Just rinse and repeat it’s not possible and keep your head down, esp as your DD isn’t bothered (wonder why?).

They’ll tantrum no doubt, but you know exactly how they will react so make your peace with it, grey rock and detach as they inevitably do. Like who the fuck threatens to not see their only granddaughter because she has COURT ORDERED contact with your abusive ex for the eejits who thought it would be oh so charming incredibly arrogant to spring a wedding on everyone in 6 weeks during the busiest, highly planned, time of year for most people.

Do let us know how that all works out OP 🤣

Edited

Not only are people stretched by commitments at that time of year, it is a very expensive month for most people. It’s a big ask to expect people to stump up for travel, hotel stays and wedding gifts in December when they’ve only had 6 weeks’ notice. A longer run up gives people time to budget. It’s a dick move all round.

I’m sorry you have been put in this position. They’re being unreasonable.

Coconutter24 · 29/10/2025 19:22

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 18:22

One of my parents always answers their elderly relatives phone so I can't speak to them without my parent knowing, if I go round because my parents live near to them they also come round and take them out so I don't get time with them.

The other on the other side of my family is bedbound so always has a relative with them, my parent tells me if/when I can go and see them, if I turn up outside of those times I get emotional abuse about how I'm putting that relative under so much pressure and they need a lot of rest, even if my parents not there, someone else will let my parent know.

If I cut my parents off they'd prevent all contact with these relatives, so I am holding on until those relatives are no longer around.

Show quote history

You will be far better off without your family, obviously I understand keeping the contact for the sake of the relationships with the elderly family.

Original poster
SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:33

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 29/10/2025 17:01

If it's safe to contact the ex - I'd do this.

if not - I do a ambiguous - I've done all I can text and remind them it's all court ordered contact times.

Are you the only ones who had the date withheld till now? As 6 weeks in Decemeber there may be more than a few who have other commitments or can't get time off work.

Edited
Show quote history

Apparently no-one knew when it was, not even my parents, my parents think it's sweet and kind of romantic they kept it secret.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:37

tanstaafl · 29/10/2025 17:37

I mean, your dick family wouldn’t think of inviting your exH just to ensure your DD is there, would they ?

If they do and he goes I won't be there

It's one thing to sit near him at DDs school events, or her birthday parties but to go to a family event and he be there, I couldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:38

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 29/10/2025 17:40

Hmmm. Why on earth would you continue to have anything to do with them? They don’t believe you when you say that your exH was violent (?!wtf?!), they know the CAO terms and that you’ve been dragged through court REPEATEDLY(!) and still planned the wedding for one of only 2 days in the whole year that you would have trouble having DD…and then threaten YOU will be ruining things if you don’t jeapordise what sounds like a shaky truce with exH? Who needs enemies with family like this? If you want to, you can pretend you asked and it was a no. Otherwise, how old is DD? If she’s old enough you could say to her that if she wants to be a BM she can check with Dad, as it’s his day to have her.
Tbh this would be the final nail for me. The threats and drama (making themselves out to be the victims when they chose the date!!)… not healthy to have them in your life. Sorry OP. YANBU!!!

She's 11

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 29/10/2025 19:46

is your ex likely to say Yes if your parents did contact him

Original poster
SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:49

Lotsofsnacks · 29/10/2025 18:41

Omg your family are so abusive to you OP, how dare they ‘gate keep’ elderly relatives, can you not sneak in at all when they don’t know you are going? They can’t watch the one that lives nearby 24/7?? What do u think the reason is they don’t want u going? Is it inheritance related maybe?

Re: wedding, sod them, just don’t go!!!

Show quote history

The one who gets their phone answered by my parent I literally cannot speak to them without my parent, if I go round to their house without my parents permission they turn up, parent is this relatives carer and lives nearby so knows as in house face this relatives and they can see coming and going.

The bedbound relative I literally cannot see without my parents permission, because they find out if I try to. They literally give me a time and day I can go, and if I'm working if I want to see this relative I have to sort work around it.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 29/10/2025 19:50

I would tell ex to say no no way would I put up with this on principle they are being ridiculous

I wouldnt go myself with all this drama

Loloj · 29/10/2025 19:56

If it was me I would be telling the ex that your DD was being a bridesmaid on that date and ask to swap dates for the following weekend - or even offer him extra days. If he says no then just don’t send her - what’s he going to do? There is nothing he can do as he would be laughed out of court. I had the exact same situation but with my son being a page boy for my sisters wedding. I had threats of him sending the police to my sisters wedding to collect him - total ridiculousness. I received a letter from his solicitor reminding me of the court order - all just trying to control me. He didn’t actually care about missing/ delaying his weekend - he just wanted control.

I understand that you don’t want the hassle but you should stand up to him - flexibility is expected from family courts and if he refused to swap because your child being a bridesmaid fell on “his weekend” it would not be looked upon favourably.

Having said all of that, your family don’t sound very supportive and if they think he is such a great guy why don’t you ask your parents to contact him and ask for the weekend to be swapped?

PollyBell · 29/10/2025 20:02

Loloj · 29/10/2025 19:56

If it was me I would be telling the ex that your DD was being a bridesmaid on that date and ask to swap dates for the following weekend - or even offer him extra days. If he says no then just don’t send her - what’s he going to do? There is nothing he can do as he would be laughed out of court. I had the exact same situation but with my son being a page boy for my sisters wedding. I had threats of him sending the police to my sisters wedding to collect him - total ridiculousness. I received a letter from his solicitor reminding me of the court order - all just trying to control me. He didn’t actually care about missing/ delaying his weekend - he just wanted control.

I understand that you don’t want the hassle but you should stand up to him - flexibility is expected from family courts and if he refused to swap because your child being a bridesmaid fell on “his weekend” it would not be looked upon favourably.

Having said all of that, your family don’t sound very supportive and if they think he is such a great guy why don’t you ask your parents to contact him and ask for the weekend to be swapped?

Edited

Why should the op? Peollw always speak about being flexible when they expect the man to do it, if the man expected the woman to be flexible it would be called demanding and the op would be told not to put up with being treated that way

The family is ordering the op around and your solution is to order the ex around?

Greyhound98 · 29/10/2025 20:03

I was going to ask do your parents not realise your Ex husband is an arsehole, but it seems they think you’re the problem.
I’d leave them to it personally, they sound very disloyal to you.

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 29/10/2025 20:05

Have your parents ask him if they're so sure it shouldn't be an issue; give them permission to do so.

Emptyandsad · 29/10/2025 20:16

Don't ask him and don't tell your family you've asked him. Any lie could come back and bite you in the bum.

Tell them the truth (especially since DD isn't bothered).

And if they kick off then tell them to get stuffed. It will be no loss to you if they go no co tact. Win win

Namechangerage · 29/10/2025 20:27

Why can’t you just say you asked and he said no?

Ocelotfeet27 · 29/10/2025 20:42

I think the first poster is right, day you asked exh and he said no. Unless you think they have some way of contacting him and will hassle him.

If you think they will contact him I'd just decide whether I valued my relationship with all of them more than I was worried about asking exH for a different date, and then act accordingly. TBH I would probably not budge for such disgusting people, lovely older relatives I wanted to see or not. What disgraceful behaviour.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2025 20:53

I would just be reiterating that this not something you have any choice over but if you really do want to try

"Hi ex,
I know it is your birthday on X date but I have just been told that it is the same date that Sis is getting married and she wants DD to be bridesmaid. I have tried to explain that you having DD on your birthday is in the CAO and non negotiable but they are insisting. So, its up to you. If you are happy to facilitate DD being bridesmaid then I will of course swap for another day, but if not then I completely understand and will communicate this to my family. Thank you"

Then whatever he comes back with (almost certainly a no, to make life harder for you) then you have that to show them.

Frankly they are vile bunch and I wouldnt be putting myself out for them. As for keeping the wedding date a secret, well I hope they are prepared for the amount of dropouts they are going to get! Keep us posted on the epic tantrum that wil follow that one!

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 29/10/2025 21:21

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

Oh that’s awful. That he’s created a narrative blaming and undermining you
I believe you
it’s appalling A violent man emerging as the wronged party
.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 29/10/2025 21:33

I’d not lie, there’s a chance if you say you’ve asked him and he’s said no, then they will take it upon themselves to sort it out, and contact him.

So either say on reflection you aren’t prepared to ask him to cancel his birthday plans at such short notice (and if sibling had told you sooner, you would have had chance to get this sorted but with only 6 weeks notice it’s too late) or you contact him, explain your sibling’s wedding is on his birthday but you’ve told family dd will be with him, just so he knows if dd talks about it, and then he has the opportunity to volunteer to swap days, but at least he knows about it.

Cucy · 29/10/2025 21:35

I personally would text him and ask him.

Say your sister is getting married and wants DD to be bridesmaid.
Say you’ve explained it’s his bday and that you don’t usually deviate from the contact order but she wanted you to ask him anyway.

If he says no, then simply screenshot the message.

Your family seem awful.

Farticus101 · 29/10/2025 21:39

OP, I'm so sorry you have to put up with your horrible ex, horrible parents and horrible sibling! I hope you have nice people around you too. I can't get my head round your family threatening to go no contact with you for something that you can't really do much about, also them liking your abusive ex. Words fail me...

Seriously, you deserve so much more than to be exposed to such horrible people. I would be telling them how messed up they all are to be honest.