Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

And anyone working in retail won't be able to book a short notice day off in December, for one thing. Daft couple.

I wouldn't get involved, they can ask him if they want, sounds like they have a relationship with him.
They need to ask in writing by email or text for evidence.
Not your problem.

Don’t say you asked & he said no. They could check and it would get even more complicated for you.

They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me

If (and its a big if) this is a completely factual account of things, your family are obviously fucking mental, awful people, and I've no idea why you'd want to go to their wedding.

I expect there's a lot more to it though...in which case again, I have no idea why you'd want to go to their wedding 🤷🏻‍♂️

ExH has charges against him for his violence towards me, I have a life long condition as a result of something he did to me.

DD has disclosed abuse to school from ExH towards both her and his own DNs since ExH and I split up, which both cafcass and court took very seriously and cut ExHs contact with DD and ex-BIL was advised to keep his DC away from ExH too.

My parents think marriage is for life, and death of one partner is the only reason to leave. They think I've over exaggerated my condition and the police where heavy handed to charge ExH.

I'd send one brief text to ask,
..as in Sister wants to know if DD will be available as Bridesmaid on xx December, can you take her?

then tell them he said no, and if they want DD there,they need to speak to him about it.

There is a great aunt on one side of my family (the sibling of one of the relatives my parents gatekeep) who is on my side, she is the only person whose ever believed me and has told both my parents and my sibling that they shouldn't expect DD to be there given the circumstances but it's falling on deaf ears.

I do thankfully have friends, neighbours and work colleagues I adore as my chosen family so I am not completely alone.

@SpoilingTheWedding
"ExH has charges against him for his violence towards me, I have a life long condition as a result of something he did to me.

DD has disclosed abuse to school from ExH towards both her and his own DNs since ExH and I split up, which both cafcass and court took very seriously and cut ExHs contact with DD and ex-BIL was advised to keep his DC away from ExH too."

I had to haul my jaw off the floor after reading this, OP. I send you my most heartfelt hugs. I hope the lifelong condition you have been left with is manageable, and that this series of experiences hasn't traumatised your child too much.

As regards the cheekyfecker's post: words fail to encompass the depth of my contempt for such snide vileness.

I can only say in respect of your parents and sibling: I would engage with them on only the most superficial level from here on in. Your supportive great-aunt sounds like a treasure. And I hope you manage to maintain contact with your other beloved relatives.

I have experience through a good friend of horrendously toxic parents. Whatever you do, it will be wrong for them, so you can only do what's right for you and your DC. My very best wishes and support. 💐❤️

Can this great-aunt keep your lines of communication open with the older people, while you go NC with your parents? Does she have any entree to their homes, can she take letters to them that your parents won't intercept, etc?

That they are minimizing your abuse at the hands of your ex (and that nutty "marriage is for life" nonsense) would be enough for me. It's too bad if you have to take a step back from the elders you DO like, but this is not healthy.

Tell them to F off and go NC.

(And frankly I would contact social services about potential elder abuse if you parents are running roughshod over the older folks.)

This...... when they get the response they can decide for themselves (if he says no) whos sabotaging the wedding

Unless it's a really small, family only wedding, by only sending out invites now for a wedding in 6 weeks there will soon be a lot more drama to keep them distracted from you and DD. Lots of people will reply no and they'll be chasing up RSVPs and adjusting seating plans etc for the next 6 weeks. The stupidity of keeping the date secret is going to cause lots of problems and you being the first of the issues won't seem as big a deal.

If DD did want to go, I would try to ask in a way that might work (can she come for the ceremony then go to your birthday, give him Christmas etc) but as she isn't bothered just keep your head down until the rest of the consequences roll in. Right now the whole wedding is how they imagine it except DD, in a few weeks it'll be different.

Avoid pointing out how stupid it was though, they'll shoot the messenger, just wait it out.

Unless it's a really small, family only wedding, by only sending out invites now for a wedding in 6 weeks there will soon be a lot more drama to keep them distracted from you and DD. Lots of people will reply no and they'll be chasing up RSVPs and adjusting seating plans etc for the next 6 weeks. The stupidity of keeping the date secret is going to cause lots of problems and you being the first of the issues won't seem as big a deal.

Very much a side issue to the whole situation you are in, OP, but I totally agree with this.
When planning ANY event, the first thing you do is check the availability of anyone who is crucial to the event. Birthday do - then the person with the birthday, and presumably their spouse. Christening - then the Godparents and the Vicar, and, in normal families, the Grandparents. Wedding - the wedding party (ie Best Man and Bridesmaids) and at the very least, B&G's parents, but again, in most families, siblings too. This is before you book ANYTHING, but once you've sorted the date, then you tell people you really want to be there, the date as soon as you know it, so they can keep it free if they want to, or, if booking something else, they do so knowing they are missing the wedding. This is even for a random day in June or July. The arrogance of people getting married in December, to presume that everyone they invite will just drop everything to be there, is astounding. Even before taking into account they know that the courts have mandated your dd has to have I hope supervised contact with your ex on certain dates.

The B&G are bonkers.

Technically unsuperised but Ex-MIL or Ex-FIL are always there because ExH lives with them and they rarely if ever leave him alone with DD.

THIS is your family, OP.

Choose the people who love, support and are actually there for you.

You've had a lifetime of being treated like shit by 'blood' - show your DD that she doesn't have to put up with it.

It'll be the best thing you ever did for her.

The essential issues have gone right over your head haven’t they ?

Your family sound very, very selfish and short sighted to want you to ask exH to deviate from the court order.

I would send your sibling and parents a message saying: I am sorry that DD will not be able to attend the wedding. I cannot risk any disruption to the situation with DD and exH so will not be contacting him about this. You all know how serious things have been and I cannot risk any further problems. I hope you understand.

They sound immature and ridiculous keeping the date secret. If your DD’s attendance was so important, they should have checked.

No, I just have a different opinion to you.

Sister has put her wedding on the ex’s birthday. Ex is difficult about changing childcare dates around so OP sticks to CMO.

OP has found that previous requests for swaps have led to obstructive behaviour from ex.

I’ve raised 2 children from early childhood to adulthood in a similar situation. I would still at least ASK my ex if the kids could attend my sister’s wedding. He can say no. If he says yes and there’s a bit of difficulty to deal with later as a result, I’d say my sister’s wedding was worth dealing with that for.

It’s ok for people to have a different opinion from yours, you know. Sneering responses to different opinions are unnecessary.

The OP knows him, you don't

I'm assuming neither does anyone else responding. Moot point.

@SpoilingTheWedding I think I'd have cut family off except for the great aunt but understand you won't because of the gatekept relatives you want to be in touch with. The whole dynamic is awful and I'm really glad you have a chosen family/support network.

... have you asked him yet? Or given his number yo your sister do she can ask?

OP "I do thankfully have friends, neighbours and work colleagues I adore as my chosen family so I am not completely alone."

I am so glad you ahve nice people around you.

I am so sorry your family are behaving so terribly.

I'd be going no contact with anyone, including your parents, who thought that you should stay with a violent, abusive man 'because beliefs'. Fuck them.

Thought I'd update to say that I didn't text ExH but I've since had a text from him telling me he's been invited to my siblings wedding and he will be going.

So I won't be going.

My DD will be at the wedding though.

There will be photos all over social media with my ExH in saying "My family" from parents and sibling.

WHAT?!

How on earth are they justifying that?!